(Closed) How much control can you have over your BM's?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What can you tell them to wear
    Color of dress only : (9 votes)
    8 %
    Dress type and color : (38 votes)
    32 %
    Dress type, color and shoes is ok : (49 votes)
    42 %
    Everything! they should be honored to be in my bridal party so they should wear everything I want : (21 votes)
    18 %
  • Post # 3
    3886 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    My take is if you’re insisting on specific shoes or jewelry, you should buy them.

    Post # 6
    7904 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

    You can certainly dictate everything about the dress if you choose as long as you are sensitive to their budgets.

    As for shoes, that depends on you and your girls. The first time I got married, we chose shoes together for everyone, including me, but that was a while ago when matchy matchy was more popular. Today, people are preferring more individualism among the BMs, so I let my BMs wear whatever shoes they wanted as long as they cleared them with me. Both wore shoes they aleady owned. In weddings I’ve been in, I’ve had to get specific dyed shoes twice, once at my expence, once at the bride’s mother’s expense, once I wore whatever I wanted, and the rest of the time I was given guidelines to choose my own shoes (like silver heeled sandals but not too strappy, etc.).

    If you are going to be demanding about matching jewelry, you should probably buy it.

    Post # 7
    334 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I also feel that if you want them in specific shoes and jewelry, you should purchase them. I had a bride ask me to wear a specific color of shoe and I didn’t have a problem with that, as long as she didn’t dictate the shoe I wore. What makes it seem important that they all be matching exactly? Maybe it will help to think about how cool it will be to see little pops of their personalities through their shoe and accessory choices. And at the end of the day, it’s just going to be less of a hassle to give them more choices since you live far away from each other.

    …And also I was fully prepared for this thread to be about poop.

    Post # 8
    6597 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2010

    @Floridian Belle:  You can definitely ask them to wear a specific colour of shoe but don’t get upset if you don’t like their shoes!

    If you want them to buy new shoes and new jewelry that would be less acceptable and you should pay for it if that’s what you want!

    If you insist they all get the same hairstyle, it would also be best if you pay for it. If you let them decide on their own hairstyles they can pay for it themselves!

    Post # 9
    335 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Speaking as a bridemaid, I think dress and color….we were forced to buy the same shoes and the bride ended up pickin.g shoes that were too expexpensive and I hate them and do not feel comfortable walking in such a high heel, but she went all bridezilla when I voiced my opinion and so that’s what we ended up with. I’m over it but also did not appreciate it. It felt like she forgot who she asked to be in her bridal and was expecting me to all of a sudden be a fashionista instead of the jock I’ve been our entire 16 yr friendship. Speaking as a bride I think its way easier to say black shoes, wear what you have or buy new, up to you. I think everyone is fairly capable of wearing appropriate shoes! I want my girls in the same dress, there are only two girls built the same and my specs are only that it be floral print. They can decide together on the style and color. I laughed when I read the bm title, I always read STD in my head as the “other” STD lol, it makes for some pretty funny thread titles LOL

    Post # 10
    3303 posts
    Sugar bee

    I only picked the color and the length of the dress. Everything else is their choice.

    Post # 12
    4194 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

    I feel you can control dress type/color, but once you start in on the accessories- unless you’re paying, it’s best to allow them some flexibility. If you wanted them in the same shoe color, make it something easy, like black or silver, which they probably already have/would wear again. I only had two MOHs- they ended up picking them same shoe on their own, but did different jewelry, which turned out nice.

    Post # 13
    341 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    My bridesmaids are all wearing blush, floor length amsale dresses, each is a different style but all the same length and color.  I asked them to wear nude, metallic, or any light colored or neutral shoe (which I am sure everyone already owns something that would work) and asked them to wear delicate jewelery.

    I think if you want them to all wear matching jewelry or matching shoes you should pay for it.

    Post # 14
    853 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I originally picked out a fabric, color, and length, and Bridesmaid or Best Man told me they didn’t like it. So I picked out a single dress. and surprisingly, the all love it, except 1 (who doesn’t like floor length, but she can hem it after the wedding). I don’t think my bridesmaids like having the freedom of making thier own choices.

    Post # 15
    1599 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I picked the dress color, fabric, and length. That’s about it. I want to make sure my girls are all comfortable and feel good about themselves so they can have fun that day.

    I also suggested silver or white shoes, but we’re having floor length dresses so honestly it’s not the end of the world if the shade of each girl’s shoes don’t match. I also don’t care if they’re wearing flip flops, stilettos, or ballet flats. I have foot problems so I would never force someone to wear a shoe that I picked out.

    I will probably buy each girl a necklace and bracelet, but 2 of my 4 BMs have guaged ears so they are on their own there.

    Also told them that hair/makeup/manicure/pedicure is up to them. If they want to do everything themselves, fine. If they want everything professionally done, fine.

    As long as the BMs look good and are happy with their appearance, I say give them some wiggle room. I would never ask these girls to spend a ton of money or be uncomfortable for my sake. 

    Post # 16
    8342 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I think it’s fine for the bride to choose the style and color of the dress, but accessories and shoes should be their choice unless you’re willing to pay for it.

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