Post # 1
I know this is a pretty contentious issue on here and it’s made me really curious a) what your perspective on it was when you got engaged and b) How your bridesmaids helped or didn’t help you.
*EDIT to add* and where are you from?
When I got engaged I didn’t even know that bridesmaids might be expected to actually do anything outside of the wedding day. I have 7 people in my bridal party and I’m quite sure most of them had never heard of ‘bridesmaid expectations’ either. When I heard about it being a thing, I made sure to tell them I didn’t expect anything of them.
That said, my oldest sister is helping with a lot of the wedding planning (I’m very lucky, she’s been waiting impatiently to do so for years) and she and one other sister are planning the stagette and shower – both of which will be very low key and non-traditional. I would have hired a wedding planner otherwise though because I thought THAT’S what my sister was/is doing, rather than it being part of a bridesmaid thing and they would have done that anyway if I didn’t have a bridal party.
Everyone else in the wedding party will show up on the day in a dress of their choosing within a certain colour range, as well as attend the stagette and shower if they’re able.
But I know that ‘bridesmaid roles’ do seem to be a lot bigger to some and it must have come from somewhere.. Fill me in!
Post # 2
I didn’t know they had to do things other than show up and take photos either. But I come from a different cultural background, so there’s that. I only ask them to help set up the day of, but no bridal party or bachelorette party was planned (I had neither).
Also, I am very particular and like planning so even if I knew they had roles, I’d most likely do everything myself anyway.
Post # 3
My bridesmaids didn’t help plan my wedding at all. My husband is pretty much the only other person that was involved in our wedding (and my mom helped some too). I didn’t have a bachelorette or shower because my bridesmaids/friends/female family members are spread out all over the country’s and I didn’t want to ask people to travel for them.
So all my bridesmaids did was show up on the wedding day in a short, grey dress. Oh and they all came to the rehearsal too! We all had so much fun together and I’m happy with the level of involvement my bridesmaids had.
Post # 4
One of my BMs and I shared a dress shopping appointment where we each chose our dress. Following some consultation my bridesmaids purchased a dress from a selection of dresses in a specific color/designer I’d selected. One who had been married before shared some vendor contacts. My mother’s friends (adopted aunt-type people) hosted a shower that most of my BMs attended.
I’ve been a Maid/Matron of Honor three times and a Bridesmaid or Best Man many more. I voluntarily did a great deal in two of the weddings, assisted in hosting showers and bachelorettes for most of the others and was just expected to show up in two. Never asked for hair/makeup, specific shoes, etc. The brides were never involved in planning the showers or bachelorettes other than confirming dates and answering questions about guest lists. I was never required to do anything other than buy a dress.
The expectations (requirements) some brides have of their BMs on the Bee are off the chain and make me wonder why anyone would agree to be a bridesmaid anymore.
Post # 5
I’m the first amongst my friends to get married and none of them had ever been bridesmaids before so I didn’t expect much, just show up on the day of the wedding in the dress I chose and purchased for them. I had 4 bridesmaids, 2 of them were able to attend/help with my surprise bridal shower and 3 of them attended my bachelorette party. They all attended the rehearsal dinner the day before the wedding and stayed with me at the hotel. I didn’t expect or require them to help with wedding planning at all. Tbh I think they had it super easy lol
Post # 6
I didn’t really need help as I had a planner and she was amazing.
However, my girls did do some great things for me…especially my sister, who was my Maid/Matron of Honor. I didn’t want a shower or bachelorette but she planned a spa day/dinner for me where they surprised me with a beautiful Tiffany cuff that I wore for the wedding. She also came with me to some of our vendor meetings, for company as I went to most of them with my Darling Husband. Two days before the wedding, she surpised me yet again, with VIP tickets to see Cirque Du Soleil. That one was the best because we were able to relax and unwind after all the hustle and bustle of planning..and that last week was the most hectic.
We all got together once, so the girls could pick and try on their dresses. My cousin came with me to my makeup trials and a few of my fittings.
The night before the wedding, my sister stayed at the hotel suite with me and because I paid for hair and makeup, we were all together in the morning.
I had no expectations so for them to be there with me throughout the process really meant alot.
Post # 7
Im from Toronto (as is my MOH) and I lived in NorCal mostly while engaged, moved to Seattle where we got married.
Maid/Matron of Honor bought a dress of her choice, but with my input, and showed up and spent the day with me. 🙂
Oh and she came with me wedding dress shopping!
Post # 8
I had 2 on my side of the wedding party. In the lead up, they did nothing. They live 2000 miles away though, so I think that’s fair :o) Had they been closer, I know they’d have at least voiced opinions about some of my ideas, made suggestions, etc. The day of/day before, both were around, helping decorate, chopping up veggies, whatever needed to be done. And that’s fine by me. I rather liked making my own (our own) decisions and not second guessing ourselves. No planner but our wedding was quite small, it would have been a waste.
On the flip side, for my best friend I helped make invites, helped plan/throw the shower with a makeup testing of just the bridal party beforehand to throw her off the scent. I gave her ideas if they came to me (mostly because I attended some weddings that summer that addressed things she was worried about) and gave my opinion when asked about cake and such. At that time I was a mere 3 hour drive away, so much, much easier.
ETA: the guys did almost nothing aside from buy their clothing about 2 days beforehand and joyride in the UTVs we rented. Oh and I think some helped cook but I know one of our guests joined my husband for most of that!
Post # 9
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
We picked dresses out (which I paid for), they organized a hen’s lunch, bought silver shoes and then got ready with me. I did spend the night before the wedding with one, but that was due to the fact I stayed with my family that night and my sister was one of my bridesmaids! I did bounce a few ideas off my sister during planning, but only because she’d got married two years earlier and offered opinions. I didn’t ask them to help plan in any other way.
Post # 10
Australia. My Fiance and I did all the planning. My 3 BMs came dress shopping one time and got their dresses, one came cake tasting with me, 1 came to my florist consult, 1 helped make centrepieces, and they booked brunch at a cafe. Other than that and a few other bits and pieces they were mainly just their usual supportive selves 🙂
Post # 11
I’m from Melbourne, Australia.
Where I’m from, the bridesmaids aren’t really considered to have a “role”. It’s expected that they will buy a dress of the bride’s choosing, but that’s about it. They can plan a shower or bachelorette party, they can help with the planning, but this is all completely optional. I have to say that, upon first getting engaged, I fully subscribed to these ideals for my bridesmaids. I didn’t expect them to help me plan, to come dress shopping with me, to attend other appointments with me, etc. I asked them because I valued my relationships with them, not to treat them like hired help.
In the end, I felt bad asking my family and friend to spend money on a dress they will only wear once so I bought their dresses. Half wore shoes they already owned, the other half bought new shoes (because they wanted to, not because I requested it). They all had their hair and makeup professionally done at their own choosing; half used a salon of their choice, not the one I used. My bridesmaids generously planned a local bachelorette party for me, which they all attended, and offered to throw me a shower (which I declined). My sisters came dress shopping with me and my mum, but the other bridesmaids didn’t see my dress until the day of. I ran the bridesmaids dress by them all before making a final decision, as I wanted them to be happy and comfortable.
My sister (MOH) also made our wedding cake, but she would have done that regardless of whether she was in the bridal party or not (she’s a chef). When we announced our engagement, the first thing she said was “I’m so making the wedding cake – oh, congratulations, too!”. Most of them offered their help, but I didn’t really take them up on it. I did ask my SIL (who was a bridesmaid) for advice on a few things, as she had gotten married about 4 years before me (I was one of the first of my friend’s to get married, so didn’t have many people to offer experience).
Post # 12
Well I don’t consider it the bridesmaids job to do anything other than support you on the wedding day.
Darling Husband and I did all the major planning ourselves. My Maid/Matron of Honor went dress shopping with me and outside of that there wasn’t much for them to do. They did do a local bachelorette party, but that was pretty easy. Outside of that the only physical project they helped with was two nights before the wedding when I had to un-label and re-label like 400 mini bottles of water with our personalized labels. Two of my bridesmaids came over and we all ate pizza and worked on water bottles. It took about an hour so not bad at all.
That being said I’ve helped quite a bit when I’ve been a bridesmaid…but it was because I volunteered. I’m a wedding photographer who also does graphic design, so for one of my friends I designed and had printed all of her wedding invitations and stationary. When her programs came in I helped her clip all the corners to round the edges and glue them to the sticks (to make them fans). I helped her do a lot of the decor for her wedding – because I had the skillset and offered, not because it was expected.
Post # 13
As a bridesmaid, I’ve typically just continued to be a friend of the bride, and we kept doing friend-things together. When one of us is planning a wedding, going out to brunch sometimes became going out to taste cakes, and going to the mall to shop for clothes became going to the bridal shop to look at dresses. It’s not really a different role or extra responsibility to do those things. Would I help her plan her birthday party? Well then I think I’ll probably help her plan her bachelorette party. Would I proofread a job application for her? Well then I’ll probably proofread her invitations for her.
Being someone’s friend typically means you’re involved in her life, and when her spare time gets filled up with wedding planning, being involved in her life will probably inevitably mean you do some planning too. It’s really not a big deal.
Post # 14
- Wedding: May 2017 - the garden house, seattle
i’m in seattle. my maid of honor and bridesmaid have helped a great deal, but the moh is my best friend and the bridemaid is a very very close friend who works as a project manager and has a take-charge personality. the thing is, i had no expectations; they keep volunteering. i feel incredibly lucky to have them.
exactly. one of the biggest reasons the two of them have been helping so much is that we’re involved in each others’ lives, and right now a lot of my life is about the wedding (with only 11 days to go – eep!).
Post # 15
First to get married. My bms bought a dress that moh chose, but it was only $30. They have to wear nude color shoes of their choosing. Help me set up chair covers day of(i asked and everyone is ok with it). Help me put together favors and centerpieces if they have time or want to help. Most of the diy stuff my moh is helping with because she likes crafts.