- 9 years ago
- Wedding: March 1996
… You know, them. The dreaded…. other people.
How much do they matter, really?
I mean this as a philosophical post, less than a plea for advice on any specific quandary. I feel like most of us here on Weddingbee are a little terrified of the stereotype of the Bridezilla, and as a result are dead-set against going down the road of becoming some inexplicable selfish brat over the course of the wedding planning. We can take that attitude too far, of course, and I see a lot of threads on the boards here where brides are having to encourage each other to stand up for themselves. With so many people involved in a wedding who have the potential to go a little bit crazy over the planning, and even try to hijack the wedding to force things to be the way they want, there are all different kinds of ‘zillas – momzillas, bridesmaidzillas, FMILzillas, jealous-friendzillas, even groomzillas.
So my question for the hive is: where do we find our balance? How do you decide how much their opinions and feelings and desires matter, or, to what extent it really is your and your FI’s day and everyone else should butt out?
Here’s my anecdote on the subject: Fiance and I were firmly decided that we wanted a very small wedding. We agreed very early on (like, hours after he proposed) that 50 people would be the ideal number for an intimate gathering where we wouldn’t feel overwhelmed and where we’d get a chance to have a real conversation with every guest. A few months later, our moms had let this idea gestate for a while and decided that they did not like it one bit. FI’s mom said we could not NOT invite at least 30 people from their family alone – Fiance told me he couldn’t even name thirty of his relatives. We discussed and we argued and eventually came to a peace accord when we all realized that no matter how many people we invite, only about 50 of them are actually likely to make the trip across the country and show up anyway!
So things were resolved, but I found myself pondering the question again over Thanksgiving. FI’s relatives were in town and Future In-Laws were very clear that they weren’t even fond of these relatives and couldn’t wait for them to leave. They hadn’t even seen them in over a decade and didn’t seem to mind. Right as the relatives were about to leave, they mentioned booking their flight to our wedding! I raised my eyebrows and asked Future Father-In-Law, “They’re, ah, coming?” He looked at me in surprise and said “Of course they are, they’re immediate family!”
I found myself thinking, where do Fiance and I get to decide on a matter like that? We haven’t sent out Save-The-Date Cards yet, but these people that FI’s parents don’t even like or enjoy being around (and, I might add, people whom Fiance could not have picked out of a lineup before last Thanksgiving) are just assumed to be attending our very small wedding. Again, I’m not looking for advice on this situation, because I made my decision right there; This is an area where “They” do matter. If it’s important to everyone that the relatives come, then fine, let them come, I’m sure it will be alright.
But as I said, it made me wonder. Where does the line get drawn? How do you decide, everyone – when is it about what everyone else wants, and when is it about what YOU and your Fiance want? I’m curious for your thoughts, and any anecdotes you have about having to either stand your ground or graciously cave in.