(Closed) How much do THEY matter? Or, to be or not to be a Bridezilla!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Good question! I got told by my parents after informing them that I wanted a very small, beach wedding that “that’s not a wedding, that’s a bbq” and the “wedding isn’t about the bride and groom, its for the family”.  Sigh.  So after many, many fights, and tears, I gave in and we’re having a huge (by my original standards) wedding for 150 with all the bells and whistles.  Oh and the kicker?  While my parents wanted this big wedding they refused to pay for most of the things they insisted on – like a band, limos, etc.  But god forbid we don’t have them or it won’t be a “real wedding”. 

I just keep trying to insert my personality as much as possible and breathe.  At the end of the day you do need to consider other people – but it is the one day that should truly reflect you and your Fiance.  Such a struggle sometimes though!

Post # 4
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think the place where the line is drawn usually and should depend on where the financial lines are drawn!  Of course it’s always way more complicated than that, but it’s a good place to start. 

Post # 5
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Whoever is paying gets to decide! I have never even met almost half of my guest list! 🙂

Post # 6
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hmmm, I think in our world, our families matter… to an extent.  We’re family oriented people so this is an event meant for us all.  We want them to feel involved but we don’t want to make it so they can chime in on decisions we feel are soley our own.  Like the colors, or mode of transportation or favors, etc.  But we have given them the liberty of inviting people they’d like to attend, even if we don’t feel like its necessary.  We don’t want to get into a potential fight.  So there’s a fine balance and I’m not sure how to work it out.  So far we’ve been fine.  I just happen to not be a bridezilla yet but I won’t rule it out.  Our families have been vocal but not pushy about their opinions and they haven’t been terribly upset when we’ve vetoed.  I think all the rest of our guest, while most of which are important to us, they don’t matter as far as the wedding goes.  Naturally we don’t want to offend anyone and we want them to come and have fun (again, most of them) but in the end this union is for my Fiance and me and our immediate families. 

Post # 7
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

See, while I’m VERY pro-being a good hostess, I think people also forget that without the bride and groom’s celebration of marriage, the wedding in question wouldn’t even exits. So technically, is truly IS the bride and groom’s day.

So, here’s my  take on the whole thing. Size, scope, style, location and date are definite “me” decisions when it comes to the couple. These are things the couple should decide what makes them, and only them, happy, and what they truly want, should go.

Things like meals, scheduling, seating and anything that affects a guests’ comfort should take into consideration the guests themselves.

But yeah, I REALLY can’t stand it when parents and other family and friends start telling couples they can’t have their wedding THERE or during THAT month or have SUCH a small wedding. That’s when I started to pull the, “You know what? It’s OUR day!” card. Because when it comes down to it, you two really need to be happy first.

Post # 8
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

The whole pushing guests that Fiance and I don’t know or care about thing really drives me bonkers but at the end of the day, they are paying for it so whatever – fine. Let them come. I won’t remember (or in some cases even know) their name and I won’t care because I’ll be marrying the love of my life!

Post # 9
Member
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

We drew the line at four guests. Don’t budge. You’ll regret it. Have the people you want at your wedding and let everyone else just deal with it. Our four person guest list was perfect for us and we didn’t have to cut anybody we wanted to have there from the guest list :-). 

Post # 10
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

This is an excellent question. I tend to feel my way through things, so if there is something I have my heart set on, end of story. However, I’m not what I would call “unreasonable” about that and I take the comfort and enjoyment of my guests very, very seriously. It’s going to be cold. I’m knitting them scarves. I don’t drink but Mom is going to need a few, so we’re going to work out having alcohol. But if someone wanted to dictate the color of my dress or whether or not I wear a veil, that’s just not going to happen. These are things that are personal to me.

On the other hand, we’re not getting much financial help. If my parents or his parents were paying for the whole thing, perhaps I’d feel differently.

Post # 12
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Littlebird – its truly amazing how many ideas people have in their heads about what a wedding “has to be like”. 

I’ll never forget my dad and his best friend (both printers btw) telling me how “interesting” our photographic post-card styled save the dates were.  After I spent hours designing them, lining the envelopes, and stuffing them.  Sigh.  We just have a very modern, non-fussy aesthetic, and my family is more into the over the top 80’s style big fat italian wedding….even though we’re not italian!

Post # 13
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think the balance point depends on what wedding issue is in question. The more important the area, the more say others want to have, and I would argue, should have.

The guest list is probably one of the most contentious areas. I too had dreams of a small wedding, then watched with fear as guest after guest crawled out of the woodwork thanks to the wishes of our parents—who were, admittedly, paying for most of it. But in the end, like you said, most of the extra guests didn’t come (with a few surprises) and I wound up where I started, with a small wedding of about 80 people.

The wedding is a day, and it is your day, but some people have memories like elephants. The slight of a non-invitation can follow you around for the rest of your life if you’re not careful with who you’re slighting (like say, family members you’ll see at those once a year holiday parties). It doesn’t matter than you don’t even like Aunt Sally; her invitation is one of the priveleges of blood relation.

I think you either accept the consequences of not inviting people, or you make the sacrifice and invite them for the greater good. In the interest of familial harmony, I went with inviting them. Looking back on it, I am so glad I did. I wish I had made even less fuss than I did make, because it really didn’t impact my enjoyment of the day.

What drives me crazy is when people deny the natural consequences of things. Like if they insist on not inviting a close relative who they know is going to be offended by the exclusion, and then they get all bent out of shape about it when Aunt Sally looks daggers at them at every holiday thereafter. Each couple can make the choice that’s right for them, but they don’t make these choices in a vacuum. The wedding day is not a vacuum. 

Post # 14
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Love this post!

I’m going to ditto some of what @Miss Chapstick had to say about “us” decisions & “them” decisions, with a “me” caveat: it depends on your own priorities.  (let me preface this by stating that Fiance & I are footing the WHOLE bill on our own – OUR decision – both sets of ‘rents offered to help)

I agree that size, scope, style, etc. of the wedding is a “us” (as in the couple) decision.  However, there are certain aspects of the “us” decisions that merit some consideration for your guests.  Our anecdote:  Some of our VIP people have are more comfortable with a “formal/fancy” wedding (FI’s side) than others.  My Hawaii-born&raised VIPs would be VERY uncomfortable at a “fancy” wedding.  We took this into consideration when deciding our wedding style…which is going to be daytime, aloha attire inspired. It was a high priority that ALL our guests feel comfortable at our wedding.

I also agree that meals, accomodations, scheduling, etc. are very “them” decisions.  We took into account that many of our close friends & relatives already have children, that these children are important to us as a couple & they should be considered in the food & bev options.  So we went with Brunch choices & got the full bar because it was the only one that included juice.  We also took kids into account when planning our ceremony & reception – we realized that getting a sitter is difficult for late night revels, so we eliminated the usual dancing & replaced it with tickets to Disneyland (our favors to each guest) to spend with each other (& hopefully with us) as the “reception”.  It was a high priority to make sure ALL our guests were having fun at our wedding.

But please note: NO ONE else had a “say” as Fiance & I made these decisions…none of the guests were consulted about their comfort or their opinion of fun.  Fiance & I decided what WE thought would make others comfortable or have fun, based on what WE wanted to do AS WELL.  The only people we ran things by were my Maid/Matron of Honor & her husband (both Hawaii-born) & my Bridesmaid or Best Man & her husband (close, local friends of both Fiance & I, who also happen to be parents) & that was just to check if what we had decided made sense.  Relatives (including parents) & other friends didn’t have a “say” in our wedding. 

Post # 15
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’ve never really thought of things like, “I prefer a small wedding” or “I want something low key” as Bridezilla-esque. I always think of people who want everything as lavish and over the top as possible, but lose sight of being a good host/hostess, as the quintessential zilla.

Having a style and a preference is necessary. Screaming at someone because you wanted aubergine purple, NOT royal purple, counts as zilla-esque. And really, it is the screaming, not a feeling of, “darn, not exactly what I wanted, oh well.”

Post # 16
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@ms.pascua

Your wedding sounds awesome! I’m personally not a Disneyland type, but in that situation, and for your reasons, that is just so cool. You will have some really great memories.

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