How much do you know?

posted 10 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 31
1945 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

We started dating when we were 14 and have only been with each other. We made the choice to wait until marriage to experiment with anything sexually.

Post # 32
2797 posts
Sugar bee

And to be clear, we have nothing to hide, we just don’t find our past sexual history all that relaxant to our relationship.


Post # 33
1336 posts
Bumble bee

loj5217 :  I don’t know how much I know because most anything that came up in discussion has been forgotten, it’s insignificant to me. I know his most recent ex before we started dating because we see her sometimes socially.  I know the name of his high school-college girlfriend because it comes up in old stories or anecdotes.  And I know the nickname of one other woman he dated because it’s funny and it was a bit of an inside joke between us for a while.  He might have mentioned 6-12 other women he’s dated & I wouldn’t know now.  

Such things have never mattered to me, they come up naturally in discussion as you’re getting to know each other of course.  But I don’t file it away, preserving the info.  They are just side notes given for context in a story.

That said, if someone were being particularly & unusually guarded with such info that would be a red flag.  If a partner is going out of their way to hide things & skirt over subjects something ain’t right, no matter if the subject is romantic history or finances, etc. 

Post # 34
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

<u>loj5217 :</u>  I know he was married and divorced and then jumped into a 4 year relationship pretty quickly after that was not good. Then he was single for about a year when we met.

I dont ask detailed questions about his sexual past aside from things that are health related. I dont care how many women he has slept with or what he has done. Aside from health, that has no impact on me and our relationship. We are compatible and happy and thats all I need.

Post # 35
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

I know how many people he’s slept with, who all of them are, and how he met them. There aren’t many, he was married to his childhood sweetheart for 20 years, so everyone else besides her and myself came during the time between his separation and meeting me. I’ve actually met all of them lol. His ex and I are the only two women he’s been in serious relationships with. He tells me all the time that he loves me way more than he ever loved her, but I think he’s just stroking my ego lol. He knows about all my exes and how many sexual partners I’ve had.

We didn’t really sit down and have an involved conversation about it, things kind of came out gradually over time.

Post # 36
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Wedgewood Las Vegas

Pretty much everything. I know he’s had a lot more partners than I have had…I used to know the names of the more serious ones, although he’s never had a real serious relationship until he met me. He knows my past too. We’ve shared when we lost our v-cards, etc.

I’ve met one of the girls he had some history with, and I do admit I got really jealous, although at that time it was very clear whatever they had was really over. He hasn’t met any of mine, just because they were all college flings, were older, and had graduated before he joined the college where we met. I also don’t keep in touch with exes. 

It wasn’t a hardcore conversation we had, but multiple chats when we first started to date. I’d say definitely within the first month. It was important to me to know the history of someone I was sleeping with, mainly for health reasons. 

I was more into his past, than he was with mine, but I do think it was important to both of us. We also have no secrets, and aren’t ashamed of our pasts, either. 

Post # 37
6635 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

loj5217 :  I don’t know names or timelines. I do know he never had sex as that’s just an important personal thing for us (not for religious reasons as is usually expected). I know he held someone’s hand and thought it felt like a dead fish, lol. And I know he’s made out with someone else at some point. That’s it but he clearly didn’t have much of a dating life anyway. 

Similarly I knew the vague background of anyone else I dated or went on a date with. It was important to me that I found someone who either held the same standards at I did or at least respected my right to hold those standards. I’m not an idiot, so I accepted that most people did have sex before marriage. I wouldn’t date someone who had a whole slew of women he slept with (for reasons of us holding different values) but I could handle one or two. 

I see on the bee a lot that no one has the right to care about someone’s past decisions but I disagree. Your past is part who you are as a person and your now is how you’ve grown – it may show changes in values, it may not. I certainly don’t need the nitty gritty details though! 

Post # 38
1291 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I know just about everything but we were really young when we first got together and back then it was way more important to me. Then we broke up for ~3ish years but stayed friends and stayed in touch. He’s not a casual-sex/intimacy type person so had a couple of girlfriends in that time that I knew about it.

Now the reverse is not true – he knows very little about my past. Not because I’m secretive but because he has no interest in knowing. He knows about my more serious other relationships just from random stories told over the years but that’s probably the extent of it.

Post # 39
1219 posts
Bumble bee

I find a good balance to be: 

1) Enough information that I know where he’s coming from in terms of sexual experience.

2) Enough information that I know what his prior relationship dynamics were like. 

I just like knowing what to expect to need to do in the bedroom, and I also like knowing if there are any red flags in terms of things like commitment phobia, poor conflict resolution, or baggage. 

Post # 40
3796 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I know his relationship history but not intimate details. I know a little bit about his hook-ups (mostly because they’re funny stories lol).  He told me about people that still live around here that he briefly dated because HE would be uncomfortable if the roles were reversed. It doesn’t bother me to hear about people he’s dated/hooked up with in the past. 

He knows very very little about my sexual past because it skeevs him out. He knows the basics like my first time and he knows about all of my dating/serious relationships. 

Things came up naturally in the first 6 months or so. Any time a past partner popped up, we talked about it. Weirdly, we both had random messages from exes from years ago within the first 3 months of our relationship so that allowed us to discuss these things fairly naturally.

Post # 41
2518 posts
Sugar bee

We talked briefly about our relationship history when we started dating, and we haven’t really talked about it since. I know he basically had one serious ex who he dated on and off for a number of years, I know her name, and I know how their relationship ended and roughly when. I know he dated some other people in between and during the periods they were “off”, but never very seriously. And he told me at some point that he never really slept with anyone outside of it being an exclusive relationship. 

Similarly, we talked about my relationship history in broad outlines – that I dated my high school bf for 5 years, a college bf for 1.5, was single for a couple years with maybe some shorter 3-6 month relationsips in there, had more recently dated someone for a year, then been single for a while, etc. We talked about how my last relationship ended. I asked if he wanted to know more and he said no. We’ve never talked numbers but I imagine I’ve slept with more people than him. 

Knowing basic relationship history and views about sex is important to me to make sure I’m on the same page as a potential partner, but at the same time I know that too many details will just torture me for no reason. I do think people’s pasts can be an important indicator and for that reason it’s good to know stuff like how many serious relationships someone has had, whether they’ve ever cheated on a partner or been cheated on, etc. I don’t need to know numbers or specifics though. 


Post # 42
2798 posts
Sugar bee

I know quite a bit about his 2 major exes and vice versa. I actually know one of them because she’s best friends with his sister, so we’ve hung out a few times.

I mostly know details about challenges in their relationships and why they broke up because it came up when we were talking about our approach to relationships in general – what works for us and what doesn’t, and what soft spots we might have.

We didn’t discuss our full sexual history because it’s not relevant to our relationship. I just don’t need any details that won’t affect me.



Post # 43
483 posts
Helper bee

I know everything pretty much, and he knows everything as well. It has nothing to do about being insecure, just every couple is different. It’s information learned over the years. If some couples don’t care to know some information about each other that’s fine too. 

Post # 44
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I know general things about some exes just from things coming up in conversation, but we’ve never felt a need to give a play-by-play of past relationships. 

Post # 45
1216 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

loj5217 :  Yeah we know about each others sexual past generally, but not out of a place of “needing to know”, it was just something we ended up sharing with each other over time as we discussed our previous relationships. I couldn’t tell you a number of how many people he’s slept with though because it really doesn’t matter to me 

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