(Closed) How much do you let your parents influence your decisions…

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My parents are paying too…. Honestly, go with the place that YOU love. I do feel a bit guilty that they are paying for everything, but they have sat me down countless times and told me that it’s my wedding and I need to choose things that reflect my taste and style. Of course, I always get their opinions on everything, but as long as they don’t totally hate it and it’s not over budget, I’m always going to go with the things that I prefer.

Post # 4
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

My parents paid for our wedding and let it be known that the money is a gift and we could do what we like with it. They even said spend what you want, keep the rest. My mom’s opinion is important to me in general, so of course I listen, but I did everything the way my hubby and I wanted in the end.

Post # 5
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t belive that money buys choice. I know a lot of people disagree with me, but I just don’t think that $$$=ultimate power. I think the wedding should be a gift from the parents, and what better gift than watching your kids have their dream wedding?

Post # 6
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

If it’s a venue decision, I would go for the place you love. That’s a pretty big thing to let them have the final say on…I”m sure they’ll be interjecting their opinions plenty ove rthe planning process, so you’ll have many chances to go with their first choice of options if you want.

I think that parents’ choices really come into play in terms of the guest list, if they’re helping to pay for the wedding. I feel like because they’re helping to pay, parents feel like it’s a free for all for them to invite their friend’s cousin’s daughter’s niece (not quite that bad, but you get what I mean), even if you’ve never laid an eye on this person. I personally haven’t had much issue with my parents preferring one thing over another in terms of anything else (centerpieces, cake, decor, etc).

Post # 7
Member
4485 posts
Honey bee

None of the parents are paying for ours. But since there is confusion going on with you, that is why you need to sit down with whichever parents are paying and have a discussion on what is expected.

Most people only get married once in their lives. There are a number of women who say they let everyone else influence their wedding choices to the point where it didn’t feel like it was the bride and groom’s day at all since they were so busy pleasing everyone else that no single aspect reflected anything about them. That is why it was very popular a few years ago for couples to have “do-overs” and call them the “actual” wedding because the legal wedding the first time around was such a disaster in their minds. Whatever you do, make sure you don’t have regrets.

That said, it is your wedding so it should reflect you and your groom. But at the same time, whomever is paying the bill gets the final decision as it is their money. Thus you need to discuss what is expected with those who are paying before you do anything further.

Post # 8
Member
3564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@crayfish: Wouldn’t it be nice if parents saw it that way, lol.

Post # 9
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

I didn’t let them influence our decisions any more than I would have done if we were paying for the whole thing ourselves – but, that’s still a good deal of influence. My mom is one of my best friends and I’m likely to be the only child of hers who ever gets married, so it was very important to me that she be happy with everything. Plus, she’s the conduit to all my relatives on her side, and so I frequently asked her opinion from the perspective of ensuring that they’d all be comfortable and taken care of.

The only thing I can think of that I totally changed just because my mom pushed me on it was having my dad walk me down the aisle. I’d wanted to walk alone, to show that I’m not a piece of property to be handed off. I’m really glad I let her sway me on that one (I have a fantastic dad, and he deserved that moment utterly and completely – and it was great to have the emotional and physical support of him by my side right before I walked down the aisle).

Oh, also, if it hadn’t been for my parents’ influence, we likely would have had an all-vegetarian wedding, instead of a 90% vegetarian wedding with one sustainably-caught salmon entree. Again, I’m satisfied with having made that decision.

My parents were very good about offering opinions when asked, for the most part, but not attempting to sway us much beyond that. I’m pretty sure they stayed at arm’s length that way because my mom has bad memories of her parents controlling every minute detail about her wedding to my dad. She wanted to make sure that my experience was what I wanted it to be.

Post # 10
Member
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

My parents are paying for my wedding but I made it clear your money- my wedding, not your money- your wedding. If they didnt like it we wouldnt have had a wedding.

My dad also would have liked me to just keep the money also rather than “waste” it on a wedding 🙂 gotta love him!

Post # 11
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@mishelleez: My dad said the same thing! He actually said, I will write you out a check for x amount (a large amount too imo) if you just elope or have a simple courthouse ceremony.

Too bad for me, I want a wedding. Haha.

Post # 13
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

my parents are not paying.. so i put my foot down. i listen to advice and they are very supportive but ultimately i go with what the myself and Fiance want..  because its our day

Post # 14
Member
456 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think there’s a certain balance to strike in this situation, but that in your circumstances, you should absolutely choose the venue you and Fiance love.  Maybe, when it comes to other vendors, if your parents have specific preferences about someone (i.e., “we just love peonies!”) you can attempt to accommodate.  But I think the venue should be about you two, regardless who is paying (as long as they don’t hate it!)

Post # 15
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

My mom and step dad have pretty much paid for everything, my biological dad has chipped in, and fi’s parents have picked up the dj and cake since it’s relatives of theirs doing that. But in the end Fiance and I have had total say in pretty much everything. The only thing that I really didn’t have a choice in was a veil, it came down to if I didn’t get the veil my mom and uncle liked with my dress, I wasn’t getting the dress. Other than that, everything from decorations, food, venue, ect ect my mom has given us complete say however I always ask her opinion and I also ask her to research things with me so that she feels super included and in a way she is helping decide things!

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