Post # 91
liza660 : It’s so tough! I’m also really punctual, and it took me a LONG time to get used to/accept that this is just the way my guy is. For me, liking my alone time and the life that he provides outweighed the disappointments of him working so much (but trust me when I say that there are!).
At this point, you have to do what’s best for you – you have time to figure out what you want and need, and find someone who can give that to you! Hugs!
Post # 92
Yes but the issue is that he does not work from home 🙁
I always feel like a second priority.
Post # 93
This really depends on our employment situation, which has changed drastically over the years. On one end of the spectrum, we worked opposite shifts (he worked a 40-hour M-F work week and I worked an erratic, usually evening and weekend-heavy, 35-hour retail job) to make ends meet, and I’d hardly see him at all. Usually, I worked a 48-hour workweek and he worked a 60+ hour one and we’d at least be able to go to sleep and wake up together.
On the other end, we worked across the street from one another for two years with matching schedules and could carpool to work and meet for lunch daily. That was the best for me, but his working conditions were so horrible that he couldn’t stay there long.
Right now, I am not working (in the final weeks of my pregnancy) and he leaves for work around 7:00 AM and returns around 7:30 PM. So… usually 3-4 hours on weeknights. On weekends, he usually sleeps in until 10:00 – 12:00 and is not up for being social until the afternoons.
When we couldn’t see each other much, we would make up for it by texting and sneaking in the occasional phone call or FaceTime chat when our breaks aligned. It made us feel closer together. Maybe you can do similar?
EDIT: I see Shoot4themoon already addressed this, but since your gripe is that he isn’t sacrificing for your relationship, surely you must realize that he’s sacrificing a lot to support you while you work extremely limited hours and have student expenses. That’s huge. Darling Husband did this for me during my last two years of college (it had taken me six years to get my AA while working menial/odd jobs) and I was so grateful. He did it partially as a calculated move to invest in me as his life partner. I wouldn’t be surprised if your Boyfriend or Best Friend was doing the same… most BFs won’t even split rent on an income-based sliding scale, let alone pay for your room and board while you basically do what you want. Just letting you know, if you don’t realize it already, that you have a really sweet deal.
Post # 94
Don’t marry a workaholic. Unless you only want to be his mistress.
Post # 95
I see him once most weeks and twice some weeks. We live together. We have completely opposite schedules. I’m usually in bed when he gets home from work and he leaves for work shortly before I get home from work. Whether we see one another entirely depends on if his days off sync with mine. Otherwise if his days off don’t then I might see him for a few hours. Even if we have the whole day together, we generally have to spend it catching up on errands and what not.
There’s really nothing to do besides accept what it is for us. Naturally keeping our jobs are important and we know we’d prefer spending more time together if we could. We text a lot and speak during our breaks on the phone when we can.
Post # 96
southerncharm : Thank you very much for calling me less worthy than the partner of a non workaholic. I appreciate it very much to be called a mistress, just because I get along with a man who loves his job so much that I get a lot of alone-time.
Joking aside, it’s not okay to advise people not to marry a workaholic. There are relationships where this works out just fine – relationships that are not less loving or caring than others.
Just because it’s nothing you would like doesn’t mean everybody else feels the same. There are women/men out there who are fully aware of what it means to share your life with a workaholic and are nor only okay but happy with it.
Post # 97
aventurin : 100%! I’m very happy in my relationship, and I would never categorize myself as a “mistress” to his job.
Response to the thread: I love my alone time, my workout time, the time I have to cook by myself, and him basically being out of my hair. I also love that when he comes home, all he wants to do is hang out and talk and snuggle.
It’s not okay to make assumptions about other people’s needs and happiness. Clearly the OP isn’t okay with her guy working so much, but my experience (and others’) are different. Frankly, if I was with someone who was home at 5pm everyday and had tons of weekends and holidays off, it would drive me absolutely nuts. I need a lot of alone time, and my relationship works for me.
Post # 99
liza660 : We barely see each other. I am the one who is a workaholic and works late nights and weekend. I am an investment banker and can be at the office up to 100h on a bad week. We make the most if the time we do have together and have learnt to really value it. It’s all about quality and not quantity!
Post # 100
Not sure if you mentioned it and I missed it, but what type of job does he do? Because I swear if you are in banking not working like a crazy workaholic isn’t really an option
Post # 101
liza660 : If your relationship is not considered “normal” than mine sure isn’t either! Every couple has their own normal. I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend since we graduated from college 4 years ago. So we only see each other on weekends (unless we take vacation). I will say however, that we did break up for a year during that time because I couldn’t handle the distance and not spending time together. We only lived 2 hours apart but with both our busy schedules (he was in law school) it was hard to see each other. The distance turned into not seeing each other, which turned into frustration, which turned into fights about anything and everything. Before we got back together we discussed heavily what our future would be like and realized that most of our problems would not be issues if we were not long distance. We talked about how we could fix this and as simple as it seems, a shared calendar and more communication is what solved it. Our relationship has been better than ever since we got back together and I know it’s due to more effort on his part to spend time together.
I’m not saying that you should take a break or break up, but I think you do need to sit down and talk about what your futures are going to look like. My relationship has worked out because we realized that the way things are now is only due to the current circumstances we are in, but that it would change in the future. If what is happening now is what the rest of your life is going to be like then you seriously need to think about your wants and needs are and decide if you are willing to give them up or change them.
Post # 102
Just adding my two cents… My hubby recently switched to night shift, and commutes 98 miles one way for his job. He is mandated minimum 10 hour days, 5 days a week, and is gone for 14 hours at a time. I recently started a new job where I work 3, 12 hour shifts, and one 8 hour shift. Since this new job, I will usually go Sunday- Wednesday without seeing him. His days off are inconsistent, we rarely have days off together, and swapping sleep schedules is awful for your health. This means that three days a week, my off days, I see him for an hour before he goes to sleep, and an hour before he goes to work. Long story short- I feel your pain. It’s awful to not feel like you have time together, I never realized how much of a comfort it is to sleep next to someone else, until I no longer could! Our sleep schedules also make it so we can rarely talk to eachother, even texting. We do get frustrated, and small issues sometimes get blown into big ones, but we just have to take a step back and realize we’re upset over the same things- all we want is to spend time with eachother! All I can say is HANG IN THERE. It won’t be like this forever, and will be worth it in the long run! (Wait, is this a pep talk for me or for you? Lol)
Post # 103
liza660 : You will need to decide if this is going to work for you long-term. You mentioned that he loves you very much. The most important question is that, how do you know he loves you very much? If you don’t feel that you’re #1 in his book, then something has to be reviewed or check. Love is not about words or promises. It’s in being present, in being felt, in his actions. Not having enough time for you is inaction. Someone told me a long time ago that true love re-arranges things in someone’s life–in a good way. You should have seen that from him. Does he prioritize you over other things? If he can’t squeeze time for you, is there any real relationship going on or are you together based on feel-good text messages and romantic dates. Or it is very convenient for him to know that you are there and feels secure with the fact that you are so in-love with him. How about you? Is he there for you? Maybe the time has come to re-evaluate your path in life and what kind of future you have. Check with him too … what kind of future is he planning for you? Have a wedding or have a real marriage? This is not to be negative but to encourage you to see through the “romance” cloud and look closer to what kind of reality awaits you.
Post # 104
It doesn’t sound like this is the type of relationship that works for you. You need to have a conversation with him, and discuss possibly parting ways.