Post # 1
Member
1176 posts
Bumble bee
I have quite a bit of family drama. A glimpse into my family, I was bawling because my family was screaming at each other in front of me (brother was angry at me about something and then my dad started yelling) the night before my wedding; my mom’s word of advice to me (in my culture, mothers are supposed to give their daughters a motherly talk before their big day) was “don’t think marriage always leads to happiness. just don’t be disappointed if yours doesn’t.” This was after I had calmed down after crying from the drama beforehand. That’s not even that bad from my family, not even the worst of it. I tell everyone that my family did really well during my wedding, because I know it could have been so much worse. DH knows about some of my family drama, not because I tell him, but he witnessed it on several ocassions. Can’t say my family tries to keep the drama under control in front of others. My mom continues to reiternate that I shouldn’t tell DH too much about my family’s issues (we have quite a bit), because then he would looking down at me. She said that she made that mistake, because she has an even more dramatic family than I do and she told my dad everything and my dad started looking down on her family and her and criticizing them, made her feel inferior and she felt herself alienating from her family. My sister’s ex did the same thing to her. However, I think that’s because my dad and my sister’s ex aren’t cream of the crop husbands. My dad is very controlling and has been emotionally abusing my mom for years. I wasn’t surprised that she said those words about marriage to me; I think she’s so miserable in her own, but won’t leave my dad because of religious reasons. I have been trying to get my mom to live separately from my dad for quite some time, but no dice. My sister’s ex is her ex for a reason. He’s messed up too. I really don’t think DH will act like my dad and look down on me, because I have family drama. I won’t say DH is the biggest fan of my family, because he has seen how much they have pained me in the past, but he very rarely says anything about my family. However, I know I do hold back from saying too much about my family to him, because I have this lingering fear that my mom might be somehow right. I know it might sound ridiculous, and know my mom just says that to me, because she’s trying to protect me from suffering the same fate as she did. When I tell her that I have known DH for over 10 years and he isn’t like that, she responds with that my sister was with her ex for over 15 years, and he turned out to be a horrible person (which is true). Married bees and those in LTR, do you tell your SO everything about your family, including all of the drama? And how does your SO take it and react? Also, bees, I would appreciate it if you can refrain from critiquing my mom’s perhaps not so ordinary mothering skills and her unfortunate situation. I’m just hoping to hear some of your experiences. 🙂
Post # 2
Member
733 posts
Busy bee
My advice is to not keep things from your spouse. If you can’t be truthful with him, then you shouldn’t be married to him.
Post # 3
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee
My husband knows everything about my family drama.
Eta: He’s really supportive. Sometimes he looks down on certain family members but it depends on the situation. If someone in my family is being an asshole we don’t pretend like they aren’t. I really can’t imagine what it would be like if my husband wasn’t up to date with the family drama…I would be more concerned with him being in the dark and then witnessing a shitshow out of nowhere.
Post # 4
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
I think being honest with your husband is important, but also respecting your family (by not trash talking them) is also crucial. I think a lot of times it is our instinct to tell our side of the story to our SO and then make the other party out to be the big bad wolf.
If/when you choose to share about family disagreements with your SO, it think it could be helpful to explain that you are frustrated, sad, hurt (rather than angry) because you and x family member disagreed (rather than argued or fought) about xyz issue. Your position was A and the other position was B.
Explaining the disagreement calmly and fairly can be hard, but it is the best way to not unduly influence your SO’s perception of your family AND not make your family members look bad.
Abuse is a different story, but that doesn’t sound like what we’re talking about here.
Post # 5
Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee
We tell each other everything really… about our friends, families… anything which we weren’t specifically asked to keep from the other person… even sometimes those things. 😉
If you can’t trust your partner why would you marry them?
Post # 6
Member
8029 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I don’t keep things from my husband. But my family also doesn’t have too much drama.
Post # 7
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
breatheandrelax: I tell my husband everything about the lunatics I share DNA with 😊 I would die without his support in dealing with them!
Post # 8
Member
1321 posts
Bumble bee
BeachBee1988:
I agree with you actually, that you should not be trying to turn them against anyone if you’re having disagreements; rather that you would share and figure out situations and possible solutions together. Sometimes I think telling your partner exactly what happened in an unbiased way can also sometimes help you realise that in fact it was you in the wrong… and that’s not a bad thing either. 🙂
Post # 9
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
My husband and I know everything about each other’s family drama. It’s been said that you don’t just marry one person, you marry the whole family!!
Post # 10
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
My husband and I are partners. He knows everything about my life, including scars, warts all all. And I know the same about his life.
My husband is a wonderful soundingboard for any issues or concerns I have, epsecially related to my family. He’s very supportive of my decisions and will back me 100%.
And this is why I married him.
Post # 11
Member
10353 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I tell my Fiance everything. He’s always amazing at listening and letting me vent but then also helping me put things in perspective and see the situation more rationally as well. I can’t imagine not telling him parts of my life – especially if those parts are causing me pain/hurt/confusion.
Post # 12
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
truthah: isn’t that a nice little side effect? Haha.
Double points if your SO can graciously point out and hold you accountable for your ridiculousness and overreactions! DH deserves a gold star from me on that one.
Post # 13
Member
2761 posts
Sugar bee
breatheandrelax: on one of your previous posts you said that you’d been with your husband for 11 years now, right?
After 11 years…he KNOWS your family drama hon. And he’s still there. Have YOU ever felt like he’s looked down on you due to your family?
Post # 14
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
I don’t know who else I’d talk about my bizarre older half brother with…. Fiance definitely knows most of it!
Post # 15
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
breatheandrelax: I agree with the Bees that you should be able to confide in your DH. As long as he doesn’t let on to your family that he knows all this stuff! But also, we learned the hard way, that you should make sure that anything about each set of inlaws shouldn’t be shared with your respective parents. Like my parents had negative opinions of my inlaws during the wedding planning and gawd I dunno why but my husband shared it with his parents and it has permanently ruined the relationship between my parents and his parents. Not in a huge dramatic way where they can’t have dinner together, but there’s underlying tensions and awkardness now.
