(Closed) How much do your parents know about your finances? (Long, sorry)

posted 6 years ago in Money
  • poll: My parents know:
    My salary because I told them : (86 votes)
    28 %
    My salary because they asked about it : (17 votes)
    6 %
    My take-home pay (after taxes) because I told them : (32 votes)
    11 %
    My take-home pay (after taxes) because they asked about it : (11 votes)
    4 %
    My bonus amounts because I told them : (29 votes)
    10 %
    My bonus amounts because they asked about it : (6 votes)
    2 %
    My mortgage/rent amount because I told them : (75 votes)
    25 %
    My mortgage/rent amount because they asked about it : (19 votes)
    6 %
    My retirement account balances because I told them : (29 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    951 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    All I can say is that different families do things differently. Doesn’t mean either way is right or wrong. If your Fiance is okay with it, then I don’t see it as a problem.

    Post # 4
    Member
    3461 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Oosh, I think a compromise is called for.  Fiance telling his salary *really* doesn’t implicate yours at all.  Talk to Fiance and tell him you are uncomfortable and agree to some guidelines together, e.g. round figures are ok, no salaries but ok to share cost of new roof, etc.  Why did Fiance tell Future Father-In-Law that you didn’t want it shared?  Perhaps also discuss how this message will be communicated, as he ought to have kept that part to himself.

    Both of our sets of parents know some basics about us – roughly how much we make, that we max out retirements, that we are in the process of buying a home for X money, etc.  My dad manages some of my retirement money and savings for me, but I am uncomfortable with him knowing exactly how much I have saved so he doesn’t have all of my savings.  I don’t know if he thinks that’s all.  My dad also did my taxes for quite a few years after college graduation for me.  They rarely ask questions.  The other day they asked how much I have outstanding still in student loans, but that was unusal and related to a conversation.  They would have been ok if I declined to share but I told them, I didn’t mind sharing.  I would share DH’s specifics w/o his ok, but I feel it’s fine for me to share my specifics as I like (within reason).  Darling Husband wouldn’t share much with his dad, but would with his mom.  We both are more reticient with friends.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3697 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I think finances are very personal.  However… my husband’s family is kind of the same way as yours.  I think he knows pretty much exactly what his dad makes (and it’s a lot), and they ask what he makes.  He’s very sensitive about it with other people, and with them to some extent, but he’s hinted to them what he makes. 

    In my family, my parents would never ask.  They know I have a good job and probably have an idea what I make.  Same with my brother.  I have an idea what he makes, but no clue exactly how much, and I’ve never told him exactly what I bring home.  I’ll share that I got a bonus (yay) but not how much it was exactly. 

    FWIW, my family is very American (Dutch on Dad’s side and a little bit of everything on Mom’s side).  His is Taiwanese – a very firmly rooted sense of family and what’s mine is ours, family-wise.  His dad still supports his own brothers who can’t or don’t work, and my husband’s brother still lives at home with his wife (though my IL’s are in China, so they really just have a free house).

    So… it’s hard to answer (also polls are really messed up for me to read lately, so I can’t see the choices).  I’d tell my parents if they asked, but they’d never ask unless they really needed to know.  Even when they needed money, they didn’t ask what I made, just if I could lend them what they needed. 

    Post # 6
    Member
    8091 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    @mordantmaxim:  

    “an adult child’s finances is a private and personal topic not discussed with parents

    That is completely between the adult child and their parents. If they are fine with it, it’s fine. If one or both of them are uncomfortable talking about it, they need to set boundaries. Sounds like neither of them have a problem with it. 

    It is reasonable to ask your Fiance not to discuss your salary with his dad. Since you stated that the dad has never asked anyway, maybe this will be a moot point. But even after you’re married, if your Fiance is doesn’t mind talking to his dad about his salary, that’s his right. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    9181 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    At 30 years old, I am SUPER open about this kind of thing with my parents.  My Fiance has a few issues with the boundaries or lack thereof between my parents and me (on other matters), so I’ve made an effort to respect those.  That compromising on boundaries is critical in a marriage.  However, I don’t think that knowing how much your kid makes or has saved in an IRA is crossing any kind of line – so I’d say you’re over-reacting.  Just my two cents though  🙂

    Post # 9
    Member
    5494 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2011

    @crystalrae:  +1

    every family has different comfort levels. My family knows all that information about my finances, (and some of DH’s), party because I tell them and party because they ask.  They raised me, educated me, put me through college and law school and they want to make sure I’m doing well financially and that I’m not in need of anything, (even though I’ve never asked them for money.) And I’m more than happy to share my financial information with them  because not only am I proud of it but I want them to know that all the sacrafices they made for me have paid off.

    Of course there are people who would use the information to judge and with those people I would never share this sort of thing.  We are very selective with what financial information we share with DH’s family because they are very judgy.

    Post # 10
    Member
    428 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    There isn’t a “nothing” option, but my parents just don’t discuss finances. They can obviously deduce we’re young and poor, but they don’t know anything about our retirement funds, savings, rent, or what Fiance or I take home from our jobs.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2295 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    My dad likes to ask about salary & financial amounts (comp, rent, etc). When I was single, I didn’t mind telling him – he was proud of me and it was sort of a way to show him, “Look, I’m doing well.”

    Now that we are getting married, I will be much more private with that information. I didn’t mind telling when it was just me and sometimes I was asking my parents for advice, but now, I think it is telling info that Fiance wouldn’t be comfortable disclosing in the future and that doesn’t really serve much purpose.

    Post # 12
    Member
    951 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @mordantmaxim:  I’m not close with my family so they have no business knowing my salary (although they have a general knowledge of it). They do not know my monthly expenditures. 

    My Fiance is closer with his family and they know his salary. He is in construction and does not receive bonuses. He is very open with his family because that’s how they are – they have a loving and trusting relationship which I do not have with my family. He does not feel the need to withhold this information from them.

    I don’t mind that his family has this information. I also don’t mind if they know things about my financial situation (which is very strong and unusual for my age). I think they are great people and feel more of a family bond with them. That said, they do not know specifics or fine details. I do not feel this is abnormal for people you feel kinship with. I would even share my financial details with close friends.

    My Fiance sometimes has trouble understanding why I have a tense relationship with my father and why I do not wish to spend time with him socially. This is something he sees as unusual because it is very different from his family. Basically, I have stopped trying because I am disappointed whenever I do. Regardless of this, everytime my father is in town, my Fiance invites him out for dinner with us. I think this is thoughtful of him and surprised he is willing to make the effort, even though he almost always gets turned down. I really appreciate the effort he makes.

    So hopefully this answers your questions and gives you some insight on how another person sees it. Of course we do not have the same situation, but you can see the perspective of another person whose Fiance is open with his family when I myself am not.

    Post # 13
    Member
    14660 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    My dad knows everything cause he used to do my taxes.  I assume my mom knows too then.

    Post # 14
    Member
    6123 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I feel like I cannot realy contribute here because whenever there are such huge cultural differences, I just cannot relate or even know what one should do!

     

    Since your Fiance doesn’t really see a huge problem with it, I guess he can still answer, but maybe he can make his answers more generic – like give a range or guestimate.  Help him come up with some none descript answers for his dad.

     

    Work with your Fiance to come up with some kind of generic answer you can give his dad when you are married.  There has to be a way to communicate that you two are doing fine and that Father doesn’t have to worry.

     

    We have no culture in our family, so it’s really hard to compare.  Financially, I do not share too many details about my finances and I love talking about fiances!  My H and I just reached a huge financial milestone that I feel like shouting from the rooftops – but I if tell my family, they will assume we’re Mr. and Mrs. Moneybags and should pay for everyone else’s stuff or fly out more often.  Um the reason we got to this goal is because the money goes away before we see it!  So it’s not like we have oodles to spare.  So I keep our big news to myself. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    2363 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

    Your situation is pretty tough. See, I tell my parents everything, and my Fiance tells his parents everything. We’re just very open people. We dont mind sharing.

    But you are right, finances are very very personal. I think you and your Fiance should sit down and decide together what you both are comfortable with/not ok with. From there you decide what needs to happen regarding your parents (well… His)

    Post # 16
    Member
    357 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2005

    I really don’t care.  My mom knows all about my finances because she helps with my taxes every year, so she sees my W2s, expense statements, etc.  I might be less okay with it if she used that information to try to pressure me into certain decisions or spending my money differently, but she doesn’t, so it’s a non-issue.

    If your Fiance doesn’t mind, I don’t really see how you have any business telling him what of his own personal information he can or can’t share with his dad.  If you don’t want him discussing your finances, fine.  Personally, I wouldn’t care, but if you do I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to leave you out while continuing to share about himself.

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