Post # 1
Let me start first with thanks in advance for any info.
My husband and I have been married 10 months. We were both virgins and both really eager to have sex after the wedding, it was something we talked about all the time. Post wedding our sex life has been very low excitement. My husband doesn’t intimate sex, I often find myself begging and then feeling hurt when he says he’s tired. I have had quite a few conversations with him about it and his answer is always the same ” I’m stressed and tired, I don’t know what else to say” we have sex a couple times a month and I don’t wanna pressure him or add stress, I try my hardest not to be selfish, but it hurts so much seeing him with no interest, I mean this is supposed to be our time to enjoy sex and I feel like we are missing it. Aside from sex my hubby is such an amazing guy and I feel myself growing self conscious and upset at him for our lack of a sex life. Any advice out there?
Thanks so much
Post # 2
bd28 : Have you told him about how this has been affecting you? Although I don’t think talking about it is going to really change anything with his sex drive, perhaps you guys could work out a better solution. You two should look up tips for couples who have different sex drives and see what you can work out, since what’s happening now obviously isn’t working for you.
As far as “this is our time to enjoy sex” — I think you should refrain from thinking that way. Your entire marriage is a time to enjoy sex, and your relationship will be filled with ups and downs; just because the first year after marriage is generally thought of as super happy, with sex all the time, doesn’t mean that’s realistic. There is no more pressure to have a good sex life now then there is forty years from now. Take it one day at a time.
Yes, stress can definitely affect a person’s sex drive. What is it that has him so stressed out all the time? It sounds like there is more to it than that, and perhaps he’s using stress as an excuse to avoid talking about the real problem.
Post # 3
How old are you both? Does he use porn? Is the sex “good” when you have it? I think it’s kind of odd, as well, and you may have to dig deeper to see if he just has a low sex drive or if there are other things involved.
Post # 4
Stress does affect it for sure, but if it’s been like this for ten months, he needs to address the issue. Try doing something relaxing before like a walk, bubble bath, massage. Try it earlier in the evening or morning when he’s not tired.
Post # 5
This sounds like it’s about more than stress, that’s just the excuse that he’s giving you. Yes, stress impacts our sex life but not for long periods times and we can usually solve it by just saying “Hey, we haven’t been having sex much let’s fix that.”
It’s more likely that the problem is that the two of you have different sex drives. I would start talking about it now and tell him that you don’t want to hear “I’m stressed” unless that’s actually the truth because this won’t get solved if you don’t have open, honest communication.
Post # 6
Stress does have an effect on sex life for sure, but I’d be more worried that he’s been stressed for 10 months and hasn’t found a way to relax.
I’d tell him how this is making you feel, and try to figure out a way you can both be satisfied.
I for one don’t think there is anything wrong with a little self love, if you know what I mean 😉
Post # 7
I have a pet theory that men who are able to wait to marriage probably have, on average, lower sex drives than normal. I’m sure there are exceptions, but I generally think it’s easier to stick to your guns on waiting to marriage when the impulse is not overwhelming.
Stress definitely matters, absolutely. When my SO was working 100 hour weeks, we usually weren’t intimate because it was just a struggle to work, eat, and sleep for him.
But you’re also probably just dealing with a lower sex drive. A good friend is married to a guy who was a virgin when they started dating (she was not), and they have been mismatched for their entier relationship, and she has just learned to cope.
Post # 8
I also agree with some others that it is more likely that you two just have different sex drives, which can be its own beast to battle. I could have sex every day, twice a day and almost nothing (stress, being tired, having a cold, etc) would stop me from having sex if it were on the table. However Darling Husband really prefers sex 2 or 3 times a week on average, sometimes more or less depending on outside factors which he is more sensitive to, as well.
The number one thing that will solve this issue is open and honest and NON-JUDGMENTAL communication. Your Darling Husband has to understand and empathize that you have needs too, and you have to learn and accept that his lower drive isn’t personal and it’s not anything against you. It’s just how we’re wired. I’ve learned that even when it’s only twice or three times a week, if I’m willing to wait until Darling Husband is really in the mood too, the sex is phenomenal and I much prefer quality over quantity. Also Darling Husband does understand that I have a higher drive and want things more than he does, so even if he’s too tired or not feeling it, he’s happy to talk dirty to me and let his hands wander to still keep me happy if you catch my drift.
Good luck bee! This is frustrating but not insurmountable. There is middle ground to be had.
Post # 9
Maybe he just doesnt like it.
I would be worried if you were intimate prior to marriage and then it stopped, but you werent. I dont think it has anything to do with how he feels towards you and shouldnt (but I can understand if it does) affect how you feel about yourself.
I agree with some of the PP suggesting therapy.
Post # 10
Is he on any medication? Some things lower libido so it could be another factor.
Some people naturally have a low sex drive, my partner has a low sex drive but he would almost always be up for it when I initiate it…. sorry not much I can help with here, what about trying in the morning after he has woken up?