(Closed) How much info to tell friends?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10334 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I don’t talk about serious fights I’ve had with husband to friends or family, ever.  

Venting/joking about bickering or minor disagreements, sure. But I don’t air our dirty laundry to our friends. Mostly because I have friends who do share those things and honestly it makes me think less of thier partner when I hear all of that. My best friend tells me about every fight her and her fiancé have and I seriously can’t even tell why she’s with him. They make up but all I hear about are the fights and it really puts him in a negative light.

And I do think that your problems should be between the two of you. I don’t like the idea of involving other people in your relationship and, to me, that’s what this type of sharing does. And it can make it harder to work things out if a resolution hasn’t been found.

Post # 3
Member
1833 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

For me it would depend on the individual (the best friend”s fiancée). If I knew and trusted them I think I’d be okay with it. If I was less unsure about them, I wouldn’t. For me in this situation it’s more about him wanting to discuss with his best friend and the fiancee happening to be there so I think I’d be okay with it. But at the end of the day it’s your life and relationship and if you aren’t comfortable with it being talked about you have every right to say so.

Post # 4
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

My DH and I also prefer to leave things between the two of us, as to not color our families or friends opinions based on “one side of the story” after a fight. That said, I honestly would probably not stress too much about the Fiance knowing – even if she was not there likely your BFs friend would have said something to her. There are very few things that my DH does not tell me, or that I do not tell him, so I generally assume when I speak to one half of a couple that the other half will probably know too. If I don’t want them to, I don’t say anything.

Post # 5
Member
3895 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
hbee :  I never disclose major arguments or disagreements with my DH with anyone. A general life rule is that you are going to forgive and forget long before your friends and family will. I have had friends who disclosed fights they had with their boyfriends or fiances and, honestly, it just makes it a little uncomfortable once they are all lovey-dovey again. Or, in one particular case, my friend told us about an argument where her then-boyfriend acted really, really foul and what ended up happening is we kind of hated him after that. 

My friends know DH and I bicker, and sometimes we do it in front of people or I’ll tell my friend about how we started bickering over something silly, but for major disagreements, I keep that to myself. 100%. And DH absolutely does so. There has to be a level of trust in a relationship. Confiding in friends is one thing, but you, as his partner, need to feel like you have a safe space to say something stupid, out of line, not okay, and not have it broadcast through his group of friends. It would really irk me if DH was telling people things in general, but even more so telling someone I don’t really know. That seems like a serious breach of trust. 

I would continue to tell him that you don’t find it appropriate. 

Post # 6
Member
1273 posts
Bumble bee

Nope. Nope. Nope. I would hate that! I don’t think your dh should have shared that information at all.

Post # 7
Member
3937 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I can’t stand people knowing about arguments my husband and I have had. It’s absolutely none of their business. I could see confiding in a close friend about a situation if advice was needed on how to move forward, but I wouldn’t be ok with him giving a play by play on the whole situation. 

Post # 8
Member
783 posts
Busy bee

I would never talk about a fight my husband & I had and he wouldn’t either. You forgive your SO way quicker than a family member or friend would. I don’t think he should’ve talked to anyone about your arguement. This is one thibg I have a very firm belief in 

Post # 9
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Going against the grain here a bit, but I find it super healthy that both my partner and I discuss our arguments/issues with friends. Does it make me uncomfortable sometimes that his cousin knows about the few times I’ve gone a bit batshit, sure. But I know that his friends and family love me and respect our relationship. Sometimes talking things through with others gives you a bit of perspective. Also I believe that if something is seriously unhealthy about a couples’ dynamic an outsider is usually more likely to point it out. Which, although initially uncomfortable, can lead to positive change for the couple, heartfelt conversations, necessary therapy etc. In this situation, whether your friend discussed the fight with just his friend, the fiance would havr known all about it as soon as he got home anyways.

Post # 10
Member
451 posts
Helper bee

If I had never divulged the conflicts I had with my ex, it would have taken me years longer (if ever) to understand that it was a toxic and abusive relationship.

I guess, to me, it’s not black and white. If my husband did something truly terrible, I don’t think suffering in silence is the way to go. Pretending things are fine when they aren’t is isolating. Getting advice and an outside perspective from a third party you trust can be a good thing, can help you see things you might not be able to otherwise.

But at the same time, I can agree that involving certain other people in your business more than they should be, is not always good either.

Post # 11
Member
7265 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Well I think it depends. My BFF has been my closest friend since we were like 13…and we’re 32 now…so a long ass time. She’s my ride or die. Of course I talk to her about arguments (even the major ones) with DH – and likewise she talks to be about hers. Sometimes it’s better to just get it out and be able to talk to someone about it.

Post # 12
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

hey Bee, my FI’s best male friend occasionally asks me for relationship advice or will talk to me about his relationships and things that have happened. I think he asks me because I usually give good advice and I’m a good listener (also I work in mental health) and also he sees the solid and loving relationship Fiance and I have and I feel he wants to get some advice from a couple about his relationship. Even though he and I aren’t best friends, I’m marrying his best friend and we have been around Eachother for years. 

I would just sit your boyfriend down and tell him you understand that needed to talk to someone, but you would prefer to keep your relationships issues private and if he does talk to someone, to not have an audience and just talk to his best friend. 

But we all need someone to talk to Bee, its good that your boyfriend has someone in his life other than you that he can trust and go to when he needs to get it out. 

Post # 13
Member
495 posts
Helper bee

there are certain things you don’t share with friends. This is one of them. He is giving his side and likely not yours. You need to have a chat with this guy. Trust  is vital.

Post # 14
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Nope.

You don’t let other people in your relationship. That’s the #1 recipe for disaster .. baring some sort of abuse etc you don’t open the door for people to comment on your SO and vice versa. While you and he may be able to get over whatever the issue is for the person it was shared with that moment is frozen in time and they will always remember/judge for it. I don’t want people judging my SO for his mistakes not me for mine.

If the issue is big enough that you need a mediator I would go to counselling personally.

 

Post # 15
Member
2943 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds like your Fiance needs to work on his loose lips.

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