(Closed) How much info to tell friends?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

My best friend and I just talked about this the other day. I’m a very open person and talk candidly about my relationship to her and my mom, but I’m realizing now that a lot of people are not like me and maybe I share too much, particularly since both my SO and my best friend are super private people. So I’m trying to tone it down, but it’s hard to feel like yourself when you surround yourself with people who are so different than you.

Post # 17
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Fiance and I don’t bad-mouth each other or say negative things to friends or family – we just don’t like to discuss fights or anything like that with people outside of our relationship because it is just that … ours.  We honestly rarely fight though so that could also play a role.  

I’m not saying it’s bad to tell your BFF about something major. But, if you say things you wouldn’t want your SO to hear it is generally better being off limits, if that makes sense. Unless it was something incredibly serious (ex. an abusive relationship) in which case I would hope someone would speak to family and friends for help.  

In your case though, I don’t think your bf meant anything bad by it and was honestly just venting.  But, I can totally see why you are feeling the way that you do and it would make me a little unsettled too.  I would definitely try and talk to him about why it makes you feel this way and hopefully he will understand for the future to be a little more thoughtful of your feelings in this area.

Post # 18
Member
208 posts
Helper bee

I don’t talk about the disagreements I have with my husband with anyone with the exception of my best friend. She knows me really well and gives really great advice. Sometimes my judgement is clouded because I’m directly involved so an outsider’s perspective is helpful.  

Post # 19
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
dsaasd :  THIS. I agree. I think it’s normal and healthy to be able to discuss things with outsiders, who may be able to bring a new perspective to the situation. Now, if you guys agreed NOT to discuss an argument with friends and he did that would be one thing, but if the issue has never come up before and it didn’t occur to him that it would bother you, I don’t think he did anything remotely wrong. 

ETA: Discussing an argument is different than bad-mouthing a partner, though. THAT would be totally unacceptable. 

Post # 20
Member
942 posts
Busy bee

With regards to fights I am a 100% private person.

My Fiance and I are private with our fights so it isn’t a problem for us, but my ex did tell his female best friend about our problems early in the relationship. I made a big deal out of it because she hasn’t even met me yet and she already has very negative views about me. She would even bug him to break up with me lol. Obviously our friendship never got better over the two years I was with the guy. 

I also have a good friend who kept telling me all about her relationship and how unhappy she is. I don’t mind listening to her but sometimes I felt that she could’ve used that time to talk to him instead of to me. It didn’t help that I began to develop a negative view of the guy (previously I supported their relationship). 

I am an offender of posting lovey dovey stuff online, but I don’t ever tell people or post about our fights. I have pretty active social media accounts and I’d see people (all age 20+) posting about their fights and issues. Just the other day this girl who is older than I am and married for a year posted how she was upset that the husband refuses to celebrate Mother’s Day with her mom and that she’s gonna divorce him when she’s ready.

Really? Posting about how you’re going to divorce your husband soon over a fight?

 

Post # 21
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

View original reply
chachamaru :  That is an extreme example and I agree that no one should be posting divorce messages online. But sometimes I think part of the whole reason social media causes so much stress is because people only post all the good things in their life, never anything bad. Which creates the ‘highlight reel’ effect and can potentially lead to a lot of self esteem issues, fomo, anxiety, self-doubt etc. 

Post # 22
Member
13228 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Within an exclusive, committed relationship I think what your Boyfriend or Best Friend did was disloyal, disrespectful, and a violation of your privacy and trust.  IMO it’s immature and completely inappropriate. 

Talk to him this time and let him know where you stand, but it ever happens again I’d be done. 

Post # 23
Member
7639 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Heck no! I might, perhaps, discuss something in absolute private with my best friend. But with her husband present? Never! What your bf did was totally inappropriate.

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