How much is too much gaming?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
263 posts
Helper bee

I hate to even ask, but what game? 

My fiance is a gamer. I’m content watching or playing together or playing in my own. League of Legends started a new season yesterday. He’s been playing nonstop. I’m totally okay and am trying to learn the game. Truthfully, he has had a relationship with League longer than he’s been with me (we’ve been together 7.5). He also just asked if we could take a getaway together (no technology, just us). 

For me, it’s always a balance. It’s his hobby. I still get lots of his attention. 

We also live and work together, so are around each other constantly.

Post # 3
Member
12 posts
Newbee

overthemoon2018 :  hm, maybe I missed something – let me recap: you were studying, SO was gaming. You finished studying and then also decided to game. You both gamed until your agreed stop time but then you were too tired for couple time. 

I don’t see any reason for you to be upset with him or put your foot down. My SO games but I do not. It only bothers me when it impacts our plans. I have a friend with a SO who also games and they have dedicated date nights on the same nights each week and that seems to work well for them. 

Post # 5
Member
6847 posts
Busy Beekeeper

overthemoon2018 :  don’t keep playing just because he is. I don’t game but my husband does and I’ll get annoyed because he plays longer than he should and his excuse is “well but you were reading!” Now I explicitly say when I’m ready for couple time. Since you both game why not play together and count it as couple time? 

Post # 6
Member
3994 posts
Honey bee

I don’t think there is a defined quantity of time that is “too much” (i.e. you can’t specifically state 10 hours a week or 15 hours a week).

I think too much is when it starts to interfere with your life and relationships and that’s going to look different for everyone.  Pretty much like any addiction.  Is he skipping work to game?  Is he canceling plans to game?  Is he lying about his gaming?  Is he ignoring self-cares or personal responsibilities because of gaming?  Is he neglecting your relationship in favor of gaming?

If none of the above apply, then it’s a hobby.  If you had a hobby you wanted to engage in, would you want him dictating exactly how much of your time you get to spend on it?

I also would look at long-term trends rather than be overly concerned about the last couple weeks if everything is otherwise ok.  It also kind of sounds like you’re the one who was expecting couple time to cave to your schedule when you got busy or you got bored, which I’m not sure is necessarily reasonable.  In the example you give, you wanted to play a game as well so you both started off the evening gaming – so you prioritized gaming first over your couple time.  The problem wasn’t until he just didn’t stop gaming after the timer went off.  And yeah, if I’m engaging in my hobby that I love (but you just merely tolerate on occasion) and I’m having a good time and running a good game, I’m gonna be reluctant to stop smack in the middle of what I’m doing. 

Perhaps in the future if this occurs, it would be easier to specifically schedule the “couple time” first instead of starting something and then making the other person stop mid-activity.  The whole “we get exactly one hour of this playtime” just strikes me as a little too preschool structured playtime for my tastes.

Post # 7
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I would say it’s too much when it cuts into your agreed upon time together, which it seems it has. 

My Fiance is a gamer.  He’ll spend hours in a day gaming.  I don’t mind, I like to do my own thing much of the time. But we do have time where we spend together. Date nights, of course. And then he’ll usually make sure to spend about an hour or so after dinner to spend with me without gaming. And he also likes gaming with me, even though I’m not much of a gamer myself, so I try to play games with him a couple hours a week or so.

I will say, there have definitely been times where he’ll be too into his gaming to really spend time with me on a particular night. But it’s so balanced by the nights he does spend with me, that it almost never bothers me. It’s almost like I get a night of being alone, where I can do/watch whatever I want lol. But I also will tell him if I feel like he’s been gaming too much lately, and then we’ll spend some time together. 

So first of all, I think with gaming, it’s important there’s a balance. How often does he neglect couple time for gaming time? That’s definitely an issue to discuss with him. 

Secondly, how vocal are you when he games through your agreed upon couple time? Do you speak up and say “Okay, time for our couple time!” When someone is gaming, it can become a bit all-consuming and they won’t realize how much time has been spent. That’s fine, as long as he stops gaming when you remind him. So how does he react when you say that you feel he’s gaming too long and neglecting couple time?

Post # 8
Member
319 posts
Helper bee

I’m a gamer as well as my SO and we know that sometimes when we’re really into a game, we can go on for hours not realizing how much time has passed. It’s possible that he just didn’t realize he had blown through the hour, especially since it seems like you didn’t say anything. 

Post # 9
Member
9280 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

It’s a problem when he’s prioritizing gaming over time with you.

My husband and I both game. But we are always willing to stop when the other wants to do something else. It’s super easy to lose track of time while gaming though so if we agreed to do something at a certain time then whichever one of us is gaming we’ll probably need a reminder about what time it is.

Post # 10
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2020 - City, State

My FH is a gamer and very much used it as a way to unwind from his stressful work (he is a paramedic), which I have never had a problem with at all.

However he can also quite easily game ALL day on a non work day! I used to feel very frustrated by it and often felt he was deliberately choosing gaming over spending time with me.  However he had no idea at all that I felt that way until one day when I felt particularly neglected we had a talk about it and I explained how his hours of gaming often left me feeling.  Since then he has always been mindful of how long he is gaming for and if I ask for some time together he will immediately switch the game off and hang out with me. Other times I will hang out in the study whilst he is gaming and read a good book so we are both relaxing together doing what we enjoy.

Ultimately it’s important to talk through anything that you feel it is impacting your relationship, once something is known it cant be unknown! 

Post # 11
Member
411 posts
Helper bee

I had an ex who gamed A LOT (League of Legends). A few hours most weeknights and sometimes all day on a Saturday or a Sunday (not both usually, thankfully). He did still spend time with me after gaming or in-between sessions, but I still felt like less of a priority and it frustrated me a lot.

There were a few different solutions we tried. The one that he came up with was moving his computer from the bedroom into the lounge so that he could be nearer to me while he gamed and I watched TV or read my book or cooked or whatever. The idea was that he could chat to me in-between bouts (sorry, I don’t know the terminology) and pop over and give me a kiss every now and again. This helped a bit, but I still felt the gaming was all-consuming at times (I’m not a gamer).

We had conversations about it, but they didn’t bring about a whole lot of change.

What actually finally worked for this aspect of our relationship was for us to discuss it beforehand if he was planning to spend the whole evening gaming and for me to make plans of my own. I’d go out for dinner or drinks and catch up with a friend, go to an art gallery exhibition… whatever I felt like doing. He started to feel my absence and started to miss me when I wasn’t there and wanted me to be home a bit more, so he cut down on the gaming time of his own accord.

Just a thought.

Post # 12
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

For me, more than an hour a day is too much gaming. Even, it depends on the day, my fiance has been working a lot. Like a shiz load. During little time we get together, if he were playing games so much to the extend I feel left out, that’s a problem.

I feel like gaming is a waste of time anyway. One can use it to recharge etc. but I heard many a gamers cannot even leave the game and function properly. Of course, that’s a problem.

I hope you guys will find a happy medium but this is exactly why I haven’t a TV in my house and we’ll not buy one for ours when we move in together. 

Post # 13
Member
1138 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021 - City, State

It sounds like a communication problem to be honest, if you are bored and don’t talk to him about it you can’t expect him to guess.

we are both gamers in or house (I’m waiting on the division 2 installing and playing ocarina of time) but we both check in on the other to make sure they’re okay.

im not saying what he’s doing is okay but it sounds like you’re expecting him to guess you’re bored :-/ 

Post # 14
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I don’t think there is a specific number that is ok. You have to ask yourself: Does this affect his ability to have a fulfilling social or work life? Does this cause him to put off or forget about his responsibilities? Is he able to stop and help you with something or talk about something without getting angry? On the list of priorities in his  life is gaming #1? If gaming affects your ability to work, have relationships, and take care of business normally then it’s a problem.

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