(Closed) How much is too much time spent with in-laws?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@mrsjtobe2013:  Not crazy! That is excessive. You definitely need to establish some firm limits now. You are establishing a life with your future husband and you need time to yourselves. Your family also deserves time as well. What do your parents think of this arrangement? I think once a month is more than enough. Or, if they really must see you every weekend, could you just do dinner with them on one of the evenings? There has to be a better compromise!

Post # 5
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

Wow that is WAY too much time to spend with either of your parents. When do you get time to just sit home and watch movies together? I think his expectations are ridiculous. I would have another talk with him telling him that you will not devote the entire month of Feb to his family. You need downtime too or you will get burnt out. He needs to understand that as newlyweds you should have time alone, just the 2 of you, not with his family or yours EVERY weekend.

Edit: Also don’t either of you have friends that you want to spend time with? His family and yours is monopolizing all of your free time.

Post # 4
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Yikes this is excessive. 2x a month is plently or dinner once a week.

Besides spending too much time with his family, when do you get to see your friends? I really think friendships outside of a marriage are the key to a succesful marriage.

Post # 7
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Good gracious that’s a lot. My parents live in CA (we’re in DC) so we see them a couple times a year. FI’s parents are here all the time (like once or twice a month lately – they live in FL) and it’s actually a bit much for the kids. We don’t live near either set of parents, so my expectations are different, but I think you definitely need to set some boundaries. Make plans with your fiance or your girlfriends without the inlaws.

Post # 6
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

That’s really great that your in-laws are not only friendly and easy to get along with, but that they have a “summer” house and a “winter” house too!  That being said, I do think every weekend is a little much–they’re your in-laws, not your spouse.  For me at least, it would be extremely difficult to spend every single weekend away… I don’t know how I’d get anything done if every one of my days off was spoken for.

I think you should just calmly explain to your fiance what you just wrote out here–you love his family and are thrilled to have such great in-laws (seriously, you are very lucky), but sometimes you need to spend time working on your career and/or hanging out with your own family.  Tell him you’re concerned because you don’t want them to feel like you don’t like them when you can’t devote every weekend to them, and you hope he (and they) can see that.

Post # 8
Member
3357 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

that’s definitely excessive. I love my ILs and my parents but being around them for too long would drive me crazy because I need my alone time!

Post # 11
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

Eh no, just because you will be his wife does not mean you need to do everything that he does and follow him around like a puppy and you need to tell him that. I understand wanting to “get away” maybe once/month to a summer or winter house (awesome btw) but you need to tell him that as newlyweds you do not want your weekends always booked with family crap. Bring up the fact that you won’t be able to have nooners on a Saturday with his entire family around, or cook breakfast naked (i know these are crazy but it might happen!) You aren’t going to be able to grow as a married couple when he is still connected at the hip with his family. You need to start thinking about the family you 2 will make and have alone time together.

Post # 12
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I am really confused as to why you spend every single weekend with one of your parents. What about date nights, football and pajama Sundays, getting together with friends. I would try to do an every other weekend with one of your parents (weekend with you family, then weekend for the two of you,weekend with his fmaily, weekend the two of you).

Post # 13
Member
979 posts
Busy bee

My xinlaws were over about 4-5 days a week…but that was after kids…they stayed after dinner and everything. Couldn’t get away from them. They put a toll on our marriage.

Post # 15
Member
1402 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I can’t imagine spending every weekend with my parents, much less my SO’s parents. I know you’ve said you talked to him, but obviously that didn’t get through to him.  I would sit down and have a long discussion about how you don’t think it’s sustainable to keep seeing his parents every single weekend.  You two need some alone time, you need some time with your friends, and you need some just you time!  Plus with how busy you’ll be that seems entirely unreasonable!  Set boundaries now so you don’t regret it later; things will definitely get more complicated when you introduce kids into the mix.

Post # 16
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

@mrsjtobe2013:  My husband was this way. We finally came to an agreement where we have 1 weekend a MONTH with his parents, 1 weekend a MONTH with my parents, and then then 2 weekends a month that we do our own thing, no family involved. Has helped so much, and improved our relationship, and building our own memories…

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