(Closed) How much is too much to ask?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Stop accomodating this!

I’d write her back and be direct:  Something like:  I definitely understand wanting to spend time with your Fiance, but I was very much looking forward to spending time with my wedding party in anticiption of the wedding day.  Since everyone lives far away, it’s been disappointing to not be able to enjoy some of the more traditional wedding events with my girlfriends (a shower, bachelorette, etc.).  It was very important to me to have everyone together in the days preceeding the wedding.  I truly hope you will reconsider your schedule as your presence would be very meaningful to me.  Regardless, I’m very much looking forward to your support on the wedding day and am thankful you’ll be standing by my side.

Don’t change the schedule for this one girl – why can’t you have the same plans without her?

Post # 5
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Also – I know it’s difficult when you’ve tried to be low-key and people still won’t come through.  i tried to have a very minimial effort wedding weekend – but in doing so, people chose to do their own thing and not participate.  I sometimes wonder if I said: YOU MUST BE HERE – that it would have clicked to mean: I WANT YOU HERE.  Instead, I made things optional and people did what they wanted.

I know we all want our loved ones to be there for us in the way we desire them to be… but sometimes things get lost in the translation and we need to be very direct about what we need/want.

It sounds like your friend already has her mind made up about what she is or is not willing to do – but, all you can do is express your desire and then focus on those people who will be able to spend time with you.

Post # 6
Member
3574 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t know if you are being too demanding, but I think it is a lot to ask your BMs to spend the Thursday night before with you, as well.  They will also be with you Friday night, sleeping over, and all day Saturday.

Post # 7
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@luvdmb36: I think asking someone to not spend the night with their SO is a tough one, when they are not at their own home. Be it that he would be spending anight in a hotel by himself, makes it a little strange.  I would probably want to stay with Darling Husband too. However, I would hang out until super late 🙂 and be back early in the morning.

Post # 8
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@luvdmb36: re: being demanding.  You want to spend time with your friends before you wedding.  WHO CARES if anyone thinks that’s being demanding.  You can ask the question.  They can say yes or no.  Being demanding would be saying:  you better spend time with me or else I’ll hate you forever and never speak to you again.   

I think what you need to realize is that you are simply communicating your desires.  There’s a difference between being demanding and communicating what you want.  

On the flip side, I think it’s difficult to be around someone that has trouble communicating what they need.  No one can read your  mind and I’m sure the LAST thing your friends want to do is be a big ball of disappointment and frustration for you. 

I tried to not task any of my friends with things leading up to my wedding and they told me I was a control freak for not letting them do more…. here I thought I was being helpful by not burdening them with silly things that I thought I should handle on my own….. and they were frustrated at me for trying to do it all.  

Hang in there and work on expressing what you want.  It will be disappointing if not everyone will be able to attend – and it’s OK to be disappointed…. but hopefully you can sit with that and not hold it over whomever’s head.

Post # 9
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@oracle: I agree. Sometimes you are trying to be laid back but really you’re just confusing people. I told my sister I didn’t want to be demanding and she told me I was leaving people with no idea what they’re supposed to be doing. Being direct isn’t being demanding. At this point some people may have already made plans so just see who is still available for your girl time.

Post # 10
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t think you are being demanding, but I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable bringing my SO to a wedding, and then spending most of the time away from him, especially if he is from out of town/doesn’t know anyone else. During the day of the wedding I think it is understandable and expected that the bridesmaids will be spending most of the day with you, but to ask them to spend all of Thursday night with you, and then stay over Friday is a bit much to ask, in my personal opinion. If the opposite were reverse and I was my SO’s date for a wedding and I spent most of the time alone in a hotel room, I wouldn’t be too pleased. I understand you want to spend time with your bridal party, but if they are all bringing dates to the wedding and are coming from out of town, I don’t think its feasible for it to be *just* the girls. Why not have a dinner with the girls, their dates, and maybe the groomsmen as well on Thursday instead? I think the way you have revised the schedule seems fair, though.

Post # 12
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

Sorry but I think it’s ridiculous if a couple can’t spend a night apart.  When you go to a wedding as a date of someone in the bridal party you have to know you are going to have to spend a lot of time alone.  I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable that you would like to go out on Thursday night for a girls night.  Especially given that your BM’s didn’t get it together to have a shower OR bach party for you.  My girls were spread all over the country and they had both for me.  If your friend’s finace is that helpless that he can’t entertain himself in the hotel maybe your Fiance can plan something for the guys to do during the times you will be with the bridesmaids.

Post # 13
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@luvdmb36: WHAT? You’re beeing too nice. Her Fiance needs to stay home. You aren’t asking much at all, especially since you are offering to host them at your house for girl time. Stick with your plan. And honestly, if she said she was okay just leaving him at the hotel if you didn’t want him around, then she’s probably cool with it.

 

ETA: You could still go as planned, and she can come over for a while, but then go back to the hotel sober to stay with her Fiance, if she really doesn’t want to leave him alone.

Post # 14
Member
622 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011 - Vandiver Inn

Is there any chance you might be misunderstanding her message? It sounds an awful lot like she’s just trying to see if it’s worth him coming or not. I took the end of it to mean that if there won’t be any time for the two of them to hang out, then she won’t bring him along.

Now, you know your friend better than I do, obviously. And I might be wrong, again obviously. 😉 I’m just saying from an outsider’s point of view, this doesn’t read like a demand.

 

Post # 15
Member
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I went to Portland for a friend’s wedding a couple years ago.  DH and I were engaged at the time.  On Thursday night she had her girlfriends get together for a shower/bachelorette type party.  All the girls went out for dinner/drinks, etc.  DH spent time with another girl’s husband and they went to a bar and hung out.  It wasn’t a big deal for him because he knew what to expect.  

The next night was the rehearsal dinner (so everyone was together).  Had my friend wanted us to spend the night together on Friday, it wouldn’t have been a big deal – but perhaps it would have, if it would have been an issue for my Fiance.  

We also planned our trip around the weddubg schedule.  We came to town a little early to have some ‘just us time’ and planned things we wanted to do during times nothing was plannned (like during the day on Friday or during the day on Thursday).  The main reason we were there was for the wedding and so we worked with the events that had been pre-set. 

Post # 16
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I might be the minority, but I think this is a bit much. Definitely go out with the ladies on Thursday, but why can’t she spend the evening with her SO? Same with the night before the wedding. I just don’t get the need to have sleepovers with women who would be somewhere else. It would be nice if your Fiance could take her SO out with him on that Thurs. Both she and the SO are invited to the rehearsal dinner, right?

At the end of the day, bridesmaids just need to get the dress and show up to the wedding. I can 100% see her side in this. 

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