Post # 1
I’ve recently started seeing this man a few months ago. One of my concerns is that he talks about his ex-wife a lot. He says that he can’t stand her and is constantly bashing her. In the same sentence, he will say that he still loves her (or who she used to be). It’s been 7 years since their divorce. They share a kid and she blindsided him with papers.
I told him that it’s understandable to love her, but I think that he is still IN LOVE with her. He denies it.
One more thing, and maybe both of these are just insecurities on my part, but I wanted advice.
Ive always been a “one and done” in the bedroom. Sometimes, it can be more. I’ve been feeling pressured because on more than one occasion he will bring up this girl he had a fling with who could have multiple after multiple. I finally told him tonight to stop comparing because I feel like I have to meet a standard. He said he was sorry, and I truly don’t think he means to upset me.
I don’t want him to feel like he can’t express his feelings with me or that he has to walk on his tiptoes around me, but I just don’t feel confident and content with this situations. Not sure how to approach my concerns…
i guess the main thing that bothers me is he lives SO MUCH in the past. He can’t seem to enjoy the moment or the girl standing in front of him.
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2019 - City, State
Yeah, all of these are red flags. This is not someone you want to be with. You’re right, he doesn’t enjoy the moment. He romanticizes the past in such a way that he could be dating mother fudging Beyonce and he’d be pining to her about his ex wife.
You deserve better than someone who will never be happy with what he has.
Post # 3
*clears throat* *rolls shoulders*
*Jean Ralphio voice*
get ouuuuuuuutttttttt of this situation
Post # 4
Why is this a question? Comparing you to an ex that way is totally disgusting. Talking constantly about his ex wife and all the hate and love he has for her are red flags and would be deal breakers in your place.
Post # 5
Noooo. Not worth it. Get out now.
Post # 7
‘He says that he can’t stand her and is constantly bashing her. In the same sentence, he will say that he still loves her ‘. And you are asking this board what exactly ? You must know perfectly well this is going nowhere good.
Post # 8
He said what?! Uhhhh no no no. This man is not considerate of your feelings at all. He probably wasn’t blindsided with papers but after years of him saying stupid shit she just had it.
Post # 9
He is 100% NOT ready to be in any type of relationship. He sounds like he’s still in the anger/denial stage of grief.
He’s clearly not emotionally available. RUN. You don’t need a trainwreck like that destroying your self worth.
Post # 10
How much is too much? This is definitely too much. I’m actually less bothered by the ex-wife talk (a long history and a child together can make for a really complicated bond), but the fact that he’s telling you about some other rando who was supposedly better in bed than you are. That’s straight up cruelty and I would pack up and leave him to wank it to those memories if they get him so hot. FFS, dude. Who does that?
Post # 11
The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference.
This guy is in no way available for a relationship.
Post # 12
Honestly, it doesn’t seem like you should stay with him. He still loves his ex (I have no idea if this is normal as I definitely do not love any of my exes, at most I think a few are good people) and he’s bragging/commenting on previous sex he’s had.
If you DO want to stay with him (everyone has their reasons) then you need a very black and white conversation of your boundaries, what you don’t want talked about and how topics make you feel.
I think after 7 years of divorce, it’s very odd he still loves her. Fair enough saying “I’ll always appreciate her as the mother of our child”. Thats a giant red flag for me but I’ve never dated a divorced person.
Good luck bee, make sure you do what you need to in order to make yourself happy.
Post # 13
Imho he’s living in his past. Until he can cut those emotional strings he won’t be able to heath fully focus on his present. It will sabotage your relationship . Jmho
Having said that, we talk about exes. But we are not cruel and don’t discuss sex etc. Just maybe things like a car we used to have… etc.
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2018 - Location
No thanks! Don’t need to deal with this shit so early on.
Post # 15
I agree with the bees who say this is an emotional unavailability issue.
I’d be willing to bet there are other issues, such as not seeing him often enough, not enough communication and an ambiguous status of your relationship.
Someone who is available for a relationship is interested in getting to know who you are. That is what your time together is meant to be – getting to know each other, not him using you as a therapist to vent about his feelings for his ex. It’s one thing to mention them in passing, or to explain something if they are asked a question, but talking of his own accord about his feelings for her is very insensitive and rather selfish.
And as for the comment about the other girl who came multiple times… no, just no. Where are your wishes/desires/feelings in all of this?
I think I’d probably be done here. But if you do decide to stay, I agree with the bee who said you need to have a firm discussion about your boundaries.