How much is too much to be talking about exes?

posted 3 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1343 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

Yeah, all of these are red flags. This is not someone you want to be with. You’re right, he doesn’t enjoy the moment. He romanticizes the past in such a way that he could be dating mother fudging Beyonce and he’d be pining to her about his ex wife.

You deserve better than someone who will never be happy with what he has.

Post # 3
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

*clears throat* *rolls shoulders*

*Jean Ralphio voice*

get ouuuuuuuutttttttt of this situation

Post # 4
Member
11249 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Why is this a question? Comparing you to an ex that way is totally disgusting. Talking constantly about his ex wife and all the hate and love he has for her are red flags and would be deal breakers in your place. 

Post # 5
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Noooo. Not worth it. Get out now.

Post # 6
Member
6419 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

Run for the hills

Post # 7
Member
7707 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

tenley7 :  

 ‘He says that he can’t stand her and is constantly bashing her. In the same sentence, he will say that he still loves her ‘. And you are asking this board what exactly ? You must know perfectly well this is going nowhere good.  

Post # 8
Member
626 posts
Busy bee

He said what?! Uhhhh no no no. This man is not considerate of your feelings at all. He probably wasn’t blindsided with papers but after years of him saying stupid shit she just had it. 

Post # 9
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

He is 100% NOT ready to be in any type of relationship. He sounds like he’s still in the anger/denial stage of grief. 

He’s clearly not emotionally available. RUN. You don’t need a trainwreck like that destroying your self worth. 

Post # 10
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

How much is too much? This is definitely too much. I’m actually less bothered by the ex-wife talk (a long history and a child together can make for a really complicated bond), but the fact that he’s telling you about some other rando who was supposedly better in bed than you are. That’s straight up cruelty and I would pack up and leave him to wank it to those memories if they get him so hot. FFS, dude. Who does that?

Post # 11
Member
9931 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

tenley7 :  

The opposite of love is not hate.  It’s indifference.

This guy is in no way available for a relationship.

Post # 12
Member
88 posts
Worker bee

Honestly, it doesn’t seem like you should stay with him. He still loves his ex (I have no idea if this is normal as I definitely do not love any of my exes, at most I think a few are good people) and he’s bragging/commenting on previous sex he’s had.

If you DO want to stay with him (everyone has their reasons) then you need a very black and white conversation of your boundaries, what you don’t want talked about and how topics make you feel.

I think after 7 years of divorce, it’s very odd he still loves her. Fair enough saying “I’ll always appreciate her as the mother of our child”. Thats a giant red flag for me but I’ve never dated a divorced person.

Good luck bee, make sure you do what you need to in order to make yourself happy.

Post # 13
Member
869 posts
Busy bee

Imho he’s living in his past. Until he can cut those emotional strings he won’t be able to heath fully focus on his present. It will sabotage  your relationship . Jmho

 

Having said that, we talk about exes. But we are not cruel and don’t discuss sex etc. Just maybe things like a car we used to have… etc. 

Post # 14
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

No thanks! Don’t need to deal with this shit so early on. 

Post # 15
Member
356 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the bees who say this is an emotional unavailability issue.

I’d be willing to bet there are other issues, such as not seeing him often enough, not enough communication and an ambiguous status of your relationship.

Someone who is available for a relationship is interested in getting to know who you are. That is what your time together is meant to be – getting to know each other, not him using you as a therapist to vent about his feelings for his ex. It’s one thing to mention them in passing, or to explain something if they are asked a question, but talking of his own accord about his feelings for her is very insensitive and rather selfish.

And as for the comment about the other girl who came multiple times… no, just no. Where are your wishes/desires/feelings in all of this?

I think I’d probably be done here. But if you do decide to stay, I agree with the bee who said you need to have a firm discussion about your boundaries.

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