How much is too much to be talking about exes?

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
605 posts
Busy bee

tenley7 :  You don’t have to give up right away if that’s not what you want. You bring this up exactly once in a serious, adult conversation. If he doesn’t make changes or blows off your feelings, THEN you cut your losses and move on. 

Post # 18
Member
1224 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

tenley7 :  It’s better to know now before things get more serious. This definitely isn’t something you want to be coming up in say 4 years when you’re engaged and planning a wedding, but he’s still talking about that fling that would bang 5 times in a night, and that his ex wife wanted this, this, and this for their wedding.

Might as well cut your losses while they’re still low. Or, maybe you won’t have to and this can be solved! But it definitely needs to be addressed now if it’s going to be solved.

Post # 19
Member
82 posts
Worker bee

tenley7 :  That’s just it, bee. It’s early enough in the relationship that these very birght, vivid, flapping-in-the-wind red flags should probably prompt you to cut your losses and leave.

While I completely understand where you’re coming from with the idea that it’s too early to judge, in my experience, anyone talking about their ex this much/with this much malice/this early on… isn’t someone you’re going to want to spend you time with long term. 

Post # 20
Member
2791 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

tenley7 :  These are major red flags – both the non stop talk about his ex and the comparing you to another woman in the bedroom.

The way he talks about his ex is terrible and says a lot more about him than it does about her. First off, he is CLEARLY not over whatever feelings he has for her, whether those feelings are love or hate or some fucked up mix of the two. As long as his emotional energy is still tied up with her, he cannot and will not give YOU the intimacy and affection that you are right to expect from a partner.

As for the pressure he is putting on you to perform in a way that doesn’t come naturally to you in the bedroom, that is abusive, manipulative behaviour. The fact that he does this by comparing your performance to that of another woman is utterly cruel.

This guy is bad news all around and you will be much better off without him.

Post # 21
Member
2753 posts
Sugar bee

These aren’t the kinds of things you leave until later in the relationship to talk about. It’s not like you’re talking about your potential future together, you’re talking about how he’s treating you right now.

Comparing you to other women in the bedroom is disrespectful and creepy and continually bashing his ex means he has serious unresolved issues with her. And they’ve been broken up 7 years, so he’s unlikely to work through it any time soon. 

If you choose to stay (I wouldn’t) you should bring it up now. 

Post # 22
Member
2810 posts
Sugar bee

tenley7 :  i learned a long time ago to avoid any guy who talks trash about their ex.

No one really likes their ex and has their own thoughts and opinions. Mine was a doozy, but there is a difference between having a conversation about them and discussing the issues in the relationship vs. randomly talking about them all the time in a really heated fashion.

 

It sounds like he is harboring resentment (and perhaps feelings but i cant say for sure). Does he cuss when he speaks about her? Does he keep an eye on her ?(either asking about her through friends or looking at social media) 

My ex (the doozy) had a whoooolle bunch to say about his ex. She was a B*tch, she was crazy, she was bi-polar, she was evil and kept him from his kid, she was a wh*re bla bla bla. Maybe some of those things were true, maybe not.  but later i learned i was only hearing one side of the story and he of course left out all the awful things he had done to her. 

It just screams immaturity to me now. As an adult, we dont need to trash talk exes especially multiple times to a new SO. It would be a flag for me, but talk to him and let him know how you feel and hopefully he will stop and put her in the past. 

Post # 23
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

This is all so much nope. 

My fiance has an ex-wife. They divorced 6 or 7 years ago now, and she basically blindsided him by asking for a divorce. Obviously he was hurt by that for awhile, but he’s long over it now and views it as a blessing in disguise because it allowed him the chance to find a better relationship. The subject of her almost never comes up, except for if he mentions something about his life from the time during which they were married, or else to say that he loves me so much and has never had a connection like this with anyone, not even his ex-wife. He has said that part of him will always care about her as a person and hope she is doing well, but he is definitely not in love with her anymore. If your SO isn’t at that point, then I’m not sure he’s ready to have a healthy relationship. 

My case is a little different from yours because they have no children together and therefore they don’t maintain contact because there’s no reason to. But in a situation like that, I would still think she should never come up except in the context of custody arrangements or anything to do with their child. I actually disagree with you that it’s “ok to still love her” while he’s in another relationship. Do YOU still love any of your exes? Do you think it would be healthy to have a relationship with somebody else while you’re still working through those feelings? Do you think that would be fair to the other person? 

Talking about the past fling is even worse. I can maybe understand it coming up like one time, but why would he keep bringing it up? Why would he expect you to feel anything other than insecure? People who love each other try to avoid making their partner insecure. It just sounds like he’s constantly comparing you in a negative way to other people and not appreciating you for who you are. I couldn’t be in a relationship like that, and I suggest that you not stand for it either. 

Post # 24
Member
2791 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

The subject of exes is certainly not off-limits, but I don’t think it is appropriate to talk about them in ways that are much more than simply matter-of-fact. Like if something in a conversation reminds you of something interesting you did that happened to include your ex there is nothing wrong with saying “oh me and __ visited there back in __. It was absolutely beautiful! I would definitely go back again.” Or if an issue comes up in your relationship that has some roots in an emotional trauma from a past relationship then yes, you should say it: “I am a bit sensitive to such-and-such issue/behaviour. ___ used to do this and it really took a toll on my self-esteem.” 

There is never, ever any good reason to talk trash about an ex to your new partner. Maybe his ex was a heinous bitch, but even if that is the case there is a pretty good chance he wasn’t so innocent either, and if she was so toxic, why is he bringing her into your relationship instead of leaving her in the past? 

In my experience, the way a man talks about the women from his past provides a very accurate indication of what he expects from you and, therefore, what he will perceive from you. If he is constantly going on about how his ex was always harping on him for this or that, or that she lied to him constantly, or she took all his money, there is a pretty good chance that he is going into his relationship with you with a very negative perspective on how women behave in relationships and over time he will begin to percieve innocuous actions or behaviours on your part through that lens. He’ll start accusing you of constantly nagging, or of lying, or of trying to take his money. 

Post # 25
Member
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Hes not over his wife plain and simple.

She blindsided him, so this was not mutual, this was not due to constant arguments or cheating etc.. sounds like he was happy with her and marriage and pulled a fast one on him.

Maybe hell get closure and move on maybe he never will, tought to tell but you are not his number 1 priority and I dont see why any woman would want to be in a relationhip shes not number one in. (and not second to his kid but second to his ex)

Any man that talks shit about his ex, is a hard no.

Even if she cheated on him with his best friend, if he was heartbroken, got closure, moved on and was actually ready for a new start and to find someone he loves guess what he wouldnt waste a second talking shit it simply becomes  it’s a waste of time to say bad things about exes. 

The only people I know who still do.. are ones unhappy in their current situation and put the ex down to make themselves feel better.

I would get out now.. 

Post # 26
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

Saying he still loves his ex is unacceptable.  The bashing thing is also a bad sign because eventually he will bash you the same way.  My ex kept complaining how crazy his ex was, then had the gall one day to call me crazy after expressing that I wasn’t happy.

Post # 27
Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee

How do you respond when he says this stuff!? You must have much more self control than me because I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from pulling him up on it. 

I think he needs to know that this makes you uncomfortable, and it makes him look like he’s immature and living in the past. Maybe he just needs a wake up call but more likely I think this could be headed for a dead end. 

Good luck!

xo

Post # 28
Member
5805 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Why do you want so badly to continue a relationship with so many things that make you uncomfortable? You say it has only been a few months, so… move on. Realistically, it isn’t like you have invested a tremendous amount of time. Find someone that doesn’t make you uncomfortable and let this guy sort out his own issues.

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