*trigger warning – mention of suicide*
I just wanted to share my own personal experience. After my son was born in 2015, I developed severe post partum depression. I was unable to breastfeed, which contributed, as it made me feel like a failure as a mom. I also felt like my son didn’t love me. I had difficulty bonding with him. I was overwhelmed by caring for him. HE had colic, which was hell. We both were perpetually sleep deprived. I thought I was a bad mom, and I thought my son and my partner were better off without me. I tried to jump out of a moving car in an attempt to commit suicide. Ultimately, I was stabilized on antidepressants, but a lot of the first year of my son’s life is a blur, and the whole first year was very very difficult for me.
I recently had baby #2, and developed antepartum depression and anxiety around 20 weeks. It got worse after I had her, and I became extremely depressed and suicidal again. My new insurance did not have mental health coverage. We had saved and saved so my partner could take paternity leave, but the savings were not unlimited.
I ended up having to see a psychiatrist who charged $300 for an initial evaluation and visit, and who wanted me to come back every week for “medication management” and pay $100. I felt it was a money making scam, especially since antidepressants typically can take up to 8 weeks before you know if they’re even working. But I was literally at the point of actively making a suicide plan, in case I couldn’t handle it anymore, and I knew I needed help, no matter what it cost. It didn’t add up to 10k, but it was a real financial hardship for us.
We put it on a credit card, which we’ll pay off when we can. I was able to get stabilized on a new antidepressant, and I’m now seeing a new psychiatrist at no charge, who also does therapy (the first one charged double if you wanted therapy too). And I’m getting better.
My newborn baby girl, my son, my partner, and my friends would‘ve been devastated if I‘d gone through with what I so often thought about. But I well know it’s very difficult to get out of that black pit of hopelessness. I can only tell you that I believe your health is worth everything, and I think you should proceed with the treatment. Yes your partner needs you, but eventually that won’t be enough to stop you. Please get the help you need, and fuck your insurance for putting yet another patient’s needs before their bottom line, money.
I hope you’ll get better. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. And I hope you’ll keep us updated on how you’re doing.