- 4 years ago
Hello all, long time lurker but first time to post.
So my partner and I have been together for over 6 years. We have 2 kids together – an almost 3 year and a 7 month old. We have a home and a mortgage together. He is about it to turn 38 and I am 35.
We had a 3 month break 2 years into our relationship where I moved out but that is long forgotten. Our first child was an accident and stressef him out a lot at the time, he wasn’t emotionally ready for kids but I was and really didn’t want to give it up. It also came quite soon after our reconciliation (just 6 months ish) and I had to move back in with him, so it sped up our relationship quicker than he would have wanted. He is an amazing father and loves our kids with all his heart. It is beautiful to see the love he has for our children.
We bought our first home together a year ago and while we are still struggling through that sleep deprivation of having a new baby, we are solid and I feel like we are happy with our life and family.
I have brought up the topic of marriage several times in the last couple of years, telling him how it is something I want (particularly now we have children) and am ready for. He seems to be afraid of the commitment and doesn’t entertain conversations about it. He doesn’t enjoy talking about it and it makes it uncomfortable for me to bring it up and for the most part I don’t, for that reason. But I’m at the point where I’m always fed up of waiting! I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to want marriage (I’m quite traditional and want the same surname as my children) and I don’t see why he just doesn’t put the same value and importance on it as I do.
When I’ve asked him about it he says that marriage isn’t really that important to him and he hasn’t really thought about it much. I’ve said how important it is to me and why, but he still doesn’t seem to prioritise it knowing that.
I would say he can be a little selfish and inconsiderate at times and our relationship has tended to move quicker than otherwise because I’ve wanted certain things (ie I wanted a 2nd child and I wanted to move to a family home) that has moved things along than had it been down to him. I feel he can be a little immature, emotionally, and some subjects – marriage, kids etc are so hard to bring up and discuss with him. He just gets irritated and shuts down.
And so now, I’ve put all my cards on the table, I’ve told him how ready I am for marriage and why it is important to me and he says for me to just let it happen. But he’s said that for 2 years and admits to not actually seriously considering it yet in spite of me wanting it so much for the past two years. I’ve tried not mentioning it or anything to do with weddings and engagements, and is tried bringing it up and being super direct about it. But nothing seems to work.
Am I being unreasonable? Do I just have to let him figure this out on his own? Do I have any right to be upset or push for this? I don’t want to push him into marrying me of course, but how do I be ok with this waiting game, knowing it might never happen? Why is he not stepping up?
If anyone has any suggestions or opinions or advice I would love to hear them 🙂
Thanks so much!