(Closed) How much longer do I have to wait?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee

I know this sounds harsh, but he’s likely not stepping up because he doesn’t seem to want to be married to you. 

I think there is probably a small % of people who say they just don’t want marriage generally and mean it. They are the minority. I have plenty of female friends who claimed they were just afraid of commitment or didn’t want marriage etc who changed their minds super quickly when they finally found the right dude. I know someone who waited 12 years for her bf to propose. He claimed to her it was because he had already been divorced twice, but told me it was because he just didn’t love her as much as he loved his ex-wives. 

Post # 3
Member
5166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

It’s too late now but why would you buy a house and have a second child with a man who wouldn’t marry you??

You’ve gone beyond a point when you should be ‘waiting’  on anything, if it is really about commitment and the same last name rather than a ring or a wedding then tell him you two are going to the courthouse next weekend. 

You need to ask yourself what is more important, being with him or being married?  There is a high chance he will never marry you. Is that a deal breaker considering you already have 2 children with him? Is that not more commitment? 

Post # 4
Member
2477 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Propose to him.  Then you’ll see whee you stand.  Personally I don’t understand why a man will commit to kids but not a marriage because kids are a far bigger commitment.

Post # 5
Member
675 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2021 - Dracut, Massachusetts

I think that he already feels like he is married to you in a sense… so he doesn’t get what the big deal is. As PP mentioned, you really do need to ask yourself what is more important here.

 

Post # 6
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Am I being unreasonable? No

Do I just have to let him figure this out on his own? You are kidding yourself if you think he’s sitting around trying to “figure this out.” There’s nothing for him to figure out. He likes the status quo and doesn’t want to change it.

Do I have any right to be upset or push for this? Of course you do – it’s your life too! Just know that you can push all day, but if he doesn’t want to get married it won’t make any difference.

How do I be ok with this waiting game, knowing it might never happen? You cannot be simultaneously “waiting” and “knowing it might never happen.” There’s no way to be ok with that set-up. You either need to come to peace with the fact that it may never happen and stop actively “waiting,” or have a real serious come to Jesus talk with him where you say that marriage is a must for you, and that not being married is a dealbreaker (if it is). 

Why is he not stepping up? Beacuse he has no interest in stepping up. He is content with things as they are. He doesn’t want to marry you because he just isn’t sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. I’m sorry bee, but 99% of the time when a couple has been together for many years and the man refuses to get married, it’s not because he’s taking some philosophical stance against the institution of marriage. It’s because, content as he is on a day-to-day basis in the relationship, the concept of “forever” does not appeal to him. He wants to keep all his options open. 

Post # 7
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

 

I think there’s something he’s not telling you here. Is he scared of marriage? Why would he be at this point. You have two kids and a house. Is there something he’s not saying about finances? Does he not want you controlling that aspect of your relationship?

Regardless, the two of you need to sit down with a couples therapist to get to the bottom of this. If he really didn’t want to be with you, I suspect he would have said something by now given how far along the two of you are. Something is clouding this decision for him.

Post # 8
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - UK

View original reply
tiffanybruiser :  I agree with you on all parts except the last one. There can be very good reasons why some people dont want to marry and its unfair to say that because someone does not want to he or she must want to keep there options open. 

 

Post # 9
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
zias :  You’re right – there can be other reasons, but I think this is unfortunately the most common. What it boils down to, in most cases, is a fear of commitment. Why would you be afraid of committing to someone? Because, while you’re content in your daily life, deep down there’s a part of you that wonders if there might be somethinng better out there.

Post # 10
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
waiting0902 :  You’re not “very traditional” so you can just stop that fake line of reasoning right there.  No one who’s very traditional buys a house and has 2 kids with a boyfriend.  I’m not judging that decision, just saying you can’t pull out the “very traditional” excuse when you want to get married.

If he wanted to be married to you?  He would be married to you.  He would have been a long time ago.  For whatever reason, he does not want to.  

Post # 11
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee

so he didn’t want the first kid but you chose to keep it… then you wanted a 2nd kid and he didn’t- did he use a condom? He had a choice. Although your post makes it sound like you pushed him into this situation, no he had a choice in everything. I agree he needs to step up and marry you.

Post # 12
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Honestly it doesn’t sound like the two of you are communicating effectively or like you’re much of a team in your relationship. I don’t like to talk about my taxes, but I still have to do it when tax time rolls around.

You need to value yourself enough to share and advocate for your opinions. And he’s going to need to learn to give you space to do that, to value your opinions when they’re shared, and to do the same himself. Without defensiveness or reactivity. And it sounds like you’re already frustrated, so that makes it that much harder.

It’s time to talk to your dude, bee.

Post # 13
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
waiting0902 :  Ok I hate when people say why did you go and have a baby and then a second baby with a man that didn’t want to marry you? Probably because he led her on duh.. this is what men do.. I’m in a VERY similar situation. We have a 1.5 year old and he’s asking me for ANOTHER baby and I told him no! It’s been 7 years and he acted like we were getting engaged.. on my 30th bday we were talking about it.. fast forward about two years and we got pregnant at a time we were ring shopping.. now that I look back I don’t think he was serious then.. not sure.. any how baby came and he had me pick out a ring online.. then he never bought it.. baby shower went by.. babies birth.. then after a year I went ballistic and demanded to know what’s going on.. he then tells me he pictures himself with a lifelong hippie like chick that wouldn’t expect marriage from him.. so I told him I feel used! He led me on.. now he takes that back and says he never wanted to get married until he met me.. red flags flapping in the wind.. it was my 34th bday yesterday and I cried all day I couldn’t get out of bed.. and I kicked him out of my house today despite how much I love him.. we don’t own it together or co own anything so I’m free.. he can go find some new chick to lead on for years! I had to let him go.. I think he won’t ever commit and I’m never going to have the same last name as my son.. I was married once before when I was younger and I remember I felt so secure and chosen.. respected.. it is necessary .. and yes that piece of paper does mean something.. it’s a slap in the face meaning they are looking for someone else and you aren’t good enough! Believe it! You need to figure out what you want because he sounds like he isn’t serious

Post # 14
Member
3025 posts
Sugar bee

This isn’t a popular opinion here, but frequently posts on the Waiting Board prove my thoughts to be accurate.

If your man doesn’t actively want marriage, yet you move in, give him kids, and fill the traditional role of wife, without the title, why would the man decide to get engaged to you or to marry you? You’ve already given him everything. He doesn’t have to do a thing. He’s comfortable with what he has. He probably also doesn’t feel worried about you leaving, because you live together and have children together.

In your SO’s eyes, you’re trapped with him, yet he still has the option of leaving. There’s no incentive left for him to marry you.

Post # 15
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2018

This set up is not ‘traditional’ at all. The opposite, in fact.

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