(Closed) How much longer do I have to wait?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
854 posts
Busy bee

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knotyet :  

“In your SO’s eyes, you’re trapped with him, yet he still has the option of leaving. There’s no incentive left for him to marry you.”

THIS.

If you ask people who have been divorced what the most difficult elements of the divorce process were, it is 1) splitting up the marital assets/dealing with an owned home and 2) who gets the kids, shared custody, and parental rights.

Literally the “worst” portions of commitment he’s ALREADY signed up for.  The difference is, right now he gets all the perks of someone living with him as a spouse and raising his children for him and helping on a mortgage while he is still not officially tied down.  He thinks there is zero risk of you running away or leaving him.  But he still has given himself the option that if he decides he’s found a hot piece of (_|_) or gets bored with you, he can leave you.

You had two of his children and bought a home together.  If he wanted to marry you, he would have.

Post # 17
Member
854 posts
Busy bee

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waiting0902 :  Also, as much as you say you are “traditional,” a lot of the things that have gone on in your relationship have been sort of pushed along by specifically your wants and own decisions.  And now you’re sad that you’re in a situation you created, but can’t force him to want to marry you.

You were newly reunited after a breakup, just starting to work things out again when you got pregnant.  And kept the baby when he wasn’t ready.  So, he became a sudden father with someone he was still working out relationship difficulties with.  If I were in a “maybe” stage having recently gotten back together with my ex and then we were suddenly pregnant, I would feel a bit trapped and unsure of whether I was with this person of my own choice or because of the baby.  And babies are hard enough work that you don’t have a lot of time to bond with your partner and build your relationship.

Then, you got pregnant again while you still had a very young child. A second child he also didn’t want.  Because you wanted a second child.  While you were still unmarried and didn’t have a ring or a marriage date.  But you say it is very important to share their last name?  That was also your own choice.  Sharing a surname with them is a matter of you hyphenating you and your boyfriend’s name on your children’s birth certificates so they share your name.  So that is as silly as the “I”m very traditional” comment.  Neither are true. 

Then you decided you needed a family home, because you had two children (or one child and another on the way?).  Again, he went along with your wants and agreed to a home.

It sounds like he has been very accommodating to you pushing along the speed of your relationship together.  He’s done a lot to keep you happy, overall.  Or at least tolerated your big relationship leaps that you have made and he has continued to stick around as a partner and father.  If I split up with someone, got back together with them after a very short break because my feelings were confused and then suddenly two years later we had two kids and a house…I might hold off on marrying that person too.  

You cannot force someone’s hand when it comes to marriage.  And it sounds like you literally pushed every single step and situation here that would make someone feel slightly trapped and not “need” marriage with you.  Either he’s holding out his last “independence/get out of jail free” card and refuses to surrender it to you or he really needs to work on himself and his view of your relationship to decide if he wants to be married to you.  After you deciding to take all the steps that you have, you cannot take an emotional standpoint with him now of saying you are traditional and must be married.  I would suggest either settling down with what you have created already with him and work on developing it into something he feels sure about, or move on and in find someone who wants to be married to you without pushing, demands or “tradition/kid’s name” attempts at logic.  Only you can decide if it is worth your time.  It’s OK to want to feel wanted and to feel like a “real” family.  You are allowed to want marriage.  But I’m not sure what advice to give when the situation has been so driven by you.  Have you talked to him about his feelings about your situation of two kids and a house?  Is he happy? Do you have a strong relationship now?  Have you genuinely worked out the issues that caused you to split up and leave him in your past?

Post # 18
Member
5166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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stayingforthepromise :  sorry no, that’s not just “what men do”. You’re making a huge sweeping statement there, plenty of men want to get married and aren’t out to trick women into having babies while telling them they are going to buy a ring despite having no plans to.

Im sorry you are in that situation but OPs bf has repeatedly told her he’s not interested in marriage and he doesn’t think it’s important so it’s a completely valid question to ask OP why she had 2 children with a man who didn’t want to get married, while labelling herself as ‘traditional’ and now getting upset when surprise surprise he isn’t proposing.

Post # 19
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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waiting0902 :  He has everything a married man/married couple has without the legal obligation/protection. That’s why he doesn’t feel the need to marry you.

No offense, but you’re playing the role of a wife by getting tied up with him financially (e.g. buying a home), you share finances (if you have purchased a home together), you have two children (rather they were planned or not).

You went along with this knowing he “may not” marry you, so why is it a big deal now? When a man tells you he is scared of commitment or doesn’t want to be married, believe him. 

At this point, you have to ask yourself how important marriage is to you, if it is, you need to make yourself available to someone who wants a marriage. It may be hard at this point because there are “young” children involved. 

Good luck….

Post # 20
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

“Why would you be afraid of committing to someone? Because, while you’re content in your daily life, deep down there’s a part of you that wonders if there might be somethinng better out there.”

Or you want to maintain the idea (illusion?) that if things get bad or uncomfortable, you can make a quick and painless get-away.

Post # 21
Member
9754 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think a lot of people get into situations where they feel trapped in relationships and are too scared to leave.

I tried to put myself in his situation – just getting back together in a rocky relationship and bam! Baby on the way. I don’t want the baby but my partner insists, so I stay and continue to try to work things out because I don’t want to be the guy who abandoned his kid. Then all of a sudden, there comes another baby and then my partner wants a house. A new house might be nice and my kids do need some where to grow up, okay, I guess i’ll go along with it. Now my partner wants marriage! I don’t really feel the same way about them anymore but at the same time now we have this house together and I can’t split up because what about my kids? I feel like i’m obligated to stay, at least until the kids get a little older maybe? But I really don’t want to marry my partner. Maybe they’ll eventually forget about it or give up if I put it off long enough?

I could be off base, again, i’m just trying to put myself in what could have been his state of mind. Bottom line, if a man wants to marry you then he will. All signs point to he just doesn’t want to marry you and I think we’ve all covered that. I was just theorizing why he might stay if he doesn’t want to marry you.

Post # 23
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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waiting0902 :  While he was winning you back, he may have said the right thing… but he didn’t do the right thing (marriage).

Furthermore, if he truly wanted to be married, he had time to do so between baby #1 & #2…

And, if you truly were traditional you wouldn’t put yourself in a position to get pregnant without already being married. Being in your 30’s isn’t a good enough reason to forgo your traditional values. If anything, being in your 30’s is even more of a reason to enforce them.

You could have taken control of the situation after baby #1 but you chose to stay in this relationship and buy a home and have baby #2.

He doesn’t have an incentive to marry you now (in his mind).

Not trying to be mean, just speaking the truth. 

 

Post # 24
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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waiting0902 :  Honestly, the only unreasonable thing here is that you’re not saying all of this to HIM. The bees are right in that there is less incentive for him to take a risk, but that doesn’t mean he has no reason to. You aren’t communicating to him how important this is to you, so why would he take the risk?

You have the cards stacked against you because you have to BOTH have to learn how to communicate productively, while simultaneously coming to terms on a major life choice that you may or may not feel the same about. I’m not envious of you, bee. But I wish you the best. Just remember that your opinions are valuable, and you should be with someone who WANTS to value them. And don’t be afraid to remind him of that fact.

Post # 25
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I think you should ask him. 

But I think you need to accept that for whatever reason he doesn’t seem intersted in marrying you for the near future. 

I admit I’m younger than you, but this is one thing I fully believe: when someone loves you, they want to know how you feel, and how to make you happy, and even if it burdens or stresses them out, they still want to know. 

There’s sort of a sexist narrative that a lot of us fall prey to, me included, that if you’re just the ‘cool, reasonable’ girl who doesn’t ask for things — doesn’t ask for commitment, doesn’t ask for marriage, etc. somehow that will make you more loveable. It’s seen as a way to distinguish yourself from those other, less cool, less desirable women–you don’t “nag”, you aren’t “demanding”, you aren’t “needy”. What awful words that seem to always only be thrown at women — naggy, demanding, needy — all ways in which we try to make women feel like bad people for trying to make things run, expressing their emotions, and trying to get their emotional needs fulfilled. 

But a guy who loves you will want you to express your emotions to him, he will want to fulfill your needs, and he will understand that the ‘nag’ comes from a place of concern. 

In the waiting context, women worry well if I bring it up too much, am I putting too much pressure on him? Will I seem too needy, too demanding, etc? 

I think if your relationship is functional and healthy and strong, he will be willing to discuss it with you, will listen to your concerns and needs. Even if a man doesn’t want marriage, he should still be able to discuss with you why, and be prepared to explain himself more than once, recognizing that if he really feels strongly in denying you something you really want, that you might want reassurance that it’s not because he doesn’t love you enough. 

 

 

Post # 29
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sorry to beat a dead horse, but a ‘traditional’ woman wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, even by accident, to her boyfriend.  A quite traditional woman wouldn’t have gotten pregnant again to a man who didn’t already commit to her and then buy a home with him, give their children his surname (which you didn’t have to do) and live as a girlfriend living with her boyfriend and their kids.

 

So what you did is you got the life you wanted and now you want the respect and commitment a traditiinal woman would have insisted on in the first place.  

No one here has a problem with your life choices, it’s that you’re labeling it wrong. 

I’d say your only hope of tying him down is giving him another taste of what his life would be like without you.  Go take a week away with your girlfriends or family and leave the kids with him.  Don’t plan everything for him so he doesn’t have any stress while you’re gone.  Let him figure it out.  Even if it’s only 3 or 4 days, and let him know you’ll be doing this every quarter or so.  My friend’s mother was dating a man for 15 years who didn’t think marriage was important.  She always seemed fine with it. She went away for a week and he asked her to marry him the next week, said he realized he couldn’t live his life without her so he was tying her down.  He’s been without you once and begged you to come back so maybe that’s his thing. 

Stir the pot and see what floats to the surface.

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