(Closed) How much longer do I have to wait?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

This isn’t the 1950s. Exactly right.  You’re a modern woman and THAT is perfectly okay. You’re just not a ‘traditional’ woman and THAT is okay. You pick and choose which traditions are important to you and THAT is more than okay, it’s what most of us do by varying degrees. You’re allowed to have children, buy a home, THEN get married because we live in a time where THAT is okay for the modern woman.  It’s just not what people who are labeled traditional do.

Calling me disrespectful for calling a color blue because that’s the color I see (along with most of the people replying to you) is silly.

Own your choices. You’ve got a lot of things women would envy, so own that. Be you and don’t feel the need to excuse yourself. Be that modern woman you are and find a way to get what you want. Change your name. Show him what it will be like to be a single father. But for goodness sakes don’t tell him and other people you want to get married because you’re quite traditional because everyone, including him, is going to think the same things we are.  That you’re not.  Tell him you want to get married because that is what you want. Full stop.

Post # 33
Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Sorry, how did you get pregnant “by accident”?  Having a hard time understanding how that actually happens to people who have the means to put the right protections in place (and there are so many options). 

Nothing more could be said here that has not already been said.  Best of luck, but I would not count on a willful marriage in your future with this man. 

Post # 36
Member
1155 posts
Bumble bee

This “traditional” discussion is tangential at best: whether you’re traditional or non-traditional makes little difference for the situation in which you currently find yourself. We can call you a “rebellious freak of nature” instead–wow, nothing changed. You still want to get married to a man who doesn’t appear to want the same. So onto the actual meat of the discussion. 

Listen, OP, I don’t know why he doesn’t “want” to marry you, or why he’s not gung ho about marriage, or whatever he’s actually feeling. Maybe he doesn’t want marriage with YOU, maybe he doesn’t want it with anyone, maybe he just doesn’t care one way or the other, maybe it seems like a big undertaking while he’s trying to raise two little kids and paying for a home, and maybe he doesn’t realize that he gets some tax breaks if you’re married…?? 

All I know is what you’ve said about YOUR feelings, so I’m not going to assume I know his. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for wanting to be married to the man you love and with whom you have a family, and it sounds like you’re unhappy without it. All you can do is really, truly, honestly lay it out for him. He already knows how important it is to you, so reiterating that point doesn’t sound like it’ll help. It’s probably time to go a bit further and let him know that going to the courthouse on a very particular date, or ring shopping for a longer engagement and such, needs to happen soon. Timelines have to be set. 

However, you have to be willing to stand your ground. Are you okay with leaving him if he refuses? Are you okay with staying–and having him never take you seriously about this subject again–and not getting married anytime soon or maybe ever? 

Ultimately, you’re not being unreasonable, but you have to decide what YOU’RE going to do, not what you’re going to try to make HIM do. (I’m not saying that you were looking for advice about how to make HIS behavior conform to your wishes–I’m only saying that we can’t force anyone’s behavior at all, which you probably already know, having kids and all.)

Post # 37
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Oh good Lord fine. You’re NOT a traditional woman. You’re just quite traditional, to some degree. Go to the courthouse, get a form, have your name legally changed. Buy yourself a ring if you want.

Then you can have all the quite traditional things of a family without all the hassle of changing his mind. Because you are already a family. It’s the family you chose.

I swear if you take offense to this post too you’re probably either a naturally defensive person or you can’t understand what you read. Almost everyone here is saying your feelings, wants, and choices are valid and yet you’re not absorbing that. 

Post # 38
Member
5054 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
slomotion :  Bingo….

He loves his kids but deep down he knows that he doesn’t want a long term relationship with their mother. He is probably staying for his kids because he knows that if he breaks up he won’t get to see his kids everyday. He doesn’t want to get married because he knows that in the future when the kids grow up he will have an easier and quicker get away than if he had to legally go through a divorce. He also wouldn’t feel as bad  leaving because ‘we were never married’.

Sorry OP but you kind of put yourself here by being the one who pushed the situation with commitments like kids,mortgages etc. He also put himself in this situation by going along with children, mortgages etc instead of saying this isn’t what I want. You guys need to sit down, be honest and work out how to extricate yourselves from the situation you have both created for the sake and mental health of your children.

You can try to continue to live as is in hope that he will suddenly change his mind or that you might push him into it but I’m certain that all this will just result in fights and bad feelings which is not a great environment for kids to grow up in. Kids are also quite aware when parents are just staying for their sake and it can cause a lot of issues. I see this with my niece and it upsets me that she has to deal with two parents who cannot sort out their sh*t and don’t realise that their behaviour and choices put a lot of adult responsibility on a little girl. Don’t do this to your kids…

*also like to add that it doesn’t sound like he is a conscientious objector to the institution of marriage or that finances is what is stopping him. If he had any real concrete reason not to get married he would have outright told you the truth and his reasons. The point that he talked about wanting marriage in the future and is now not following through and isn’t giving a reason really points the fact he just doesn’t want to marry you. I doubt that it’s a fear of commitment either because let’s face it kids and a mortgage are way bigger commitment than a piece of paper saying you are married under the law….

Post # 39
Member
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
waiting0902 :  

I’m a bit late to the party.  But in reading the posts, the one thing that jumps out at me is how argumentative you have been. My perception is that you are feeling very defensive.  The Bees have been trying to help you see your situation realistically.  It’s what we do.

Post # 40
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

It feels like everyone is focusing on whether OP is traditional or not rather than answering her question – which is whether she is being unreasonable in wanting to be married!

I think there is absolutely nothing unreasonable about wanting to be married to the father of your children, with whom you own a house with and live together. If you have repeatedly communicated this to him and he is still not doing anything about it and it is making you unhappy, I sadly, question how much he cares about you. Personally I feel if a man loves and respects you he would not put you in this position you are in today.

I do appreciate things happen, are often more complicated than that and don’t always go to plan but if you have been waiting a couple of years, already had children together and bought a house together and he is still scared of ‘committment’ that is just crazy!

He has already committed to a life with you in it by having kids with you. Even if you never get married, that bond will be forever. The commitment has already happened, what is missing is the respect and recognition he owes you as his life partner, mother of his children and acknowledging you as an integral part of his family.

I would sit him down, have a serious chat about your feelings and reiterate how important this is to you. 

Post # 41
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee

In my opinion joint mortgage and children are already a bigger commitment than marriage. The funny thing about marriage is the same argument work for pro and con sides. Some people don’t want to get married . The reasons might bit have anything to do with commitment. 

Only thing  yok can do is to calmly explain to him the reasons why you want to get married. Then based on the response you have to decide if it is a deal breaker for you

Post # 42
Member
10832 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
waiting0902 :  

OP dear heart l look at this  Supernurse :post  underneath . It’s  perfectly true .  Nobody  is saying   aren’t you awful for having sex/babies/a house without   getting married, Most of us have   done at least some  of it anyway I’d reckon   .

What we are all saying  is , stop banging  on  about  traditional or whatever and getting  all hurt about honest   truths . Just  look again at some of the more carefully  worded posts  and also your own posts  in which you iterate and  reiterate your bf’s committment  and imply   that if there had been a time and place  vacant as it were, it would have happened.  

 

Oh good Lord fine. Your re NOT   traditional  woman. You âre just  quite traditional, to some degree. Go to the courthouse, get a form, have your name legally changed. Buy yourself a ring if you want.

Then you can have all the  quite traditional things of a family without all the hassle of changing his mind. Because you are already a family. It’s   the family you chose.

I swear if you take offense to this post too you are probably either a naturally defensive person or you can’t   understand what you read. Almost everyone here is saying your feelings, wants, and choices are valid and yet are not absorbing that.”

 

Tell him you are  booking  the courthouse for next month  and that you will be happy with the plainest  of  wedding rings and the   smallest  of ceremonies , just you and him and witnesses maybe .  Take control of your own life a bit more . 

I’m assuming you are not at this point wanting or expecting some sort of down on one kneee   suprise  proposal number , of course. I do  hope not. 

 

 

Post # 43
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
waiting0902 :  Apparently my opinion is the truth in YOUR world. You wrote a post of why your boyfriend whom you have 2 children and a home with will not propose.

If after having baby #1 he didn’t want to get married and you wanted to… yes, you could have left. 

Is that right? In some cases it is respected. 

No offense intended in my comment. 

Post # 44
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
zzar45 :  actually in 2017 This is VERY common.. there’s article after article written about men wanting women to father their children but don’t want to be tied down with marriage.. yes there are plenty of men that want to get married.. plenty that are excited and tel everyone about it 

is it a valid question asking a women WHY she had her children? No ur question is rude af – I’m guessing you have none. When two children are there the guy had to be ok and on board at some time. A lot of people today can’t afford to get married and often jump the gun having children before. There’s so many articles about millennial a doing it backwards. I actually know girls having 2-3 without getting married. It’s become super common

Since I kicked out mine he’s been begging pleading for us back still saying he will buy a ring but hasn’t. If he shows up with one I’m most definitely saying no. I’ve lurked on here long enough to realize that if you have to beg a guy to marry you he’s not worth shiiiii

Post # 45
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

OP not one person is calling you unreasonable! Everyone is saying you are 100% reasonable in wanting to be married. You’ve laid it all out very clearly and articulately here. But you’re preaching to the choir on weddingbee! the person you need to be saying these things to is your partner. 

FWIW, I understand what you’re saying about being traditional. You haven’t always chosen a traditional path, but that doesn’t mean you don’t at heart still value tradition. However, I would not go down this road when having the convo with your partner, as I think it might undermine your whole point in his eyes. It does feel like you’re applying this whole “I’m traditional” thing retroactively, which I worry your partner will call you out on. I could see how he might think it’s a bit disingenuous (“where was your concern about tradition when you were trying to convince me to have a second child with you???”). But that’s ok, being traditional isn’t what it’s even about. You don’t want to marry him because you value tradition – you want to marry him because you love him and you want that forever commitment backed by legal rights that marriage entails. That’s it! That’s a good enough reason on its own!

The most important thing I can tell people in these situations (which is something I learned through my own experience with an ex who took me for granted and made me feel powerless) is that you don’t have to be a passive participant in your own life. You can take control of your own future. Have the blunt conversation with your partner. Tell him you’re not happy playing the role of wife without the title and legal benefits. Tell him you feel taken for granted. Tell him you love him and want to get married. Be prepared to back up your words with actions.

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