(Closed) How much longer do I have to wait?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
5166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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stayingforthepromise :  A lot of people today can’t afford to get married and often jump the gun having children before.

That is a ridiculous comment and it makes no sense, if you can’t afford to get married then you can’t afford children.  The minimum amount you will spend on a child in the first 6 months of their life is significantly higher than the cost of legally getting married.  

Post # 47
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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zzar45 :  This 100%!!!!

Especially with this couple, they purchased a home! 

Most people cannot afford an over the top wedding, but people who genuinely want to get married can afford a marriage license, etc.

Post # 48
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I think what you have to take into account is that your priorities have changed over the years. You said it yourself, and this is totally fine. Life goes on, things change, what wasn’t important before is now important. This is totally normal. But while your priorities have changed, maybe his hasn’t. You wanted to get married a long time ago but he wasn’t ready, then life happened and other things became more important. Now you’re ready again to get married and make that a priority but he has other priorities. Sadly I think you’ll just have to accept that. You’ve tried many times to express your desires to him but he’s just not in the same place right now (or maybe ever). That’s something you’ll have to come to terms with and make the very hard desicion of what is MORE important to you, being a family as you are, or ring married. It doesn’t mean you can’t want both. It just means it doesn’t sound like it’s going to happen anytime soon and only you can decide if you’re okay with that.  Good luck!

Post # 49
Member
3046 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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tiffanybruiser :  agree 100%. Shes not *it*for him. He appears to have resigned/settled himself for the time being to accept their life together but he’s not “all in”/enthusiastic….Agree that he wants his options to remain open.

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stayingforthepromise :  nah,  it was an accidental pregnancy, he wanted her to abort, she wouldn’t. Eventually reconciled himself as they got back together….

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KiwiDerbyBride :  I suspect he only reluctantly (semi)committed, he wanted her to abort the first one…even broke up. He appears to be making the best of things at this point. Doesn’t want to be a partime father. Its not uncommon to settle in a situation sometimes even if something/someone is not 100% what you wanted…

OP, he’s a great father,  think carefully before uprooting your children’s home because their father will not commit to you. It’s not pleasant to hear, although he likely cares for you, may love you, you’re not his choice, he doesn’t want to marry you.. At least you have what *you* wanted-Him and the kids and the house… You may never get the marriage part.

Post # 50
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

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zzar45 :  No not not really – what are u 12? Do you not understand life? You seem super sheltered – read a book.. look up some statistics omg –  I’m pretty sure YOUR the one who is ridiculous lol – You sure got a lot of stupid azz argumentative shiii 2 say .. nothing worthwhile – ur input on everything is confrontational and Debbie downer – maybe you should go on and get urself a life j/s

Post # 51
Member
5166 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

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stayingforthepromise :  I’m sheltered for saying a baby is more expensive than a wedding? Hmm do YOU understand life? 

Post # 52
Member
3046 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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zzar45 :  Eh, you’re right of course. She’s angry at him and maybe herself, for setting up this situation, so is lashing out…

Op, it may be better to try to focus on what you do have in life. 2 children with a great father, and a home. Being angry will only negatively impact your children and your relationship with their father/your boyfriend.

Post # 53
Member
3024 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry you feel that bees are judging you. But several of us have already answered your question.

Is it unreasonable for you to want to get married? No. Is it unreasonable for you to expect that your SO will want to marry you? Yes.

He’s already shown that he has no desire to marry you. And, as many PPs have said, there is no incentive for him to marry you. You’re already in a mortgage with him, you’ve already given him children, and you already live together.

What, in his eyes, does he have to gain from marrying you? Nothing. There is no incentive left for this man to marry you. The only incentive you might see, is to make you happy, but obviously that’s not high on his list after 6 years and two kids with no action towards legal permanence.

The most likely outcome? He will never propose. Another highly possible outcome? He doesn’t want to marry you, because he doesn’t want to be legally bound to you, and he’s planning on leaving at some point.

Either you stay with him, knowing that marriage is not in the cards or your future, or you step up and have a say in your future and tell him that you’re going to get married, or you leave. Those are your options.

Post # 55
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

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waiting0902 :  wishing you the best of luck! It’s a hard situation to be in (regardless of how the situation came about) and I hope everything works out how you want it to!

Post # 57
Member
3046 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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waiting0902 :  to be blunt, I would be sad too.. stop demeaning yourself by asking for marriage, he is not planning on forever with you. I would protect myself, and plan for the future… He may stick around until the kids are grown but maybe not. Someday you may find someone who loves you as much as you love him. If you want to stay with boyfriend now, at least be smart, put away some money, make sure you remain marketable in the job market. Good luck.

Post # 58
Member
1969 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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ohitsheragain :  crazy to hear this same train of thought from every waiting bee who has kids and now is pushing desperately for marriage who is “traditional.” Furthermore OP you mentioned the first kid was an oops, second 1 YOU wanted and he wasn’t even ready.  You might have some flaws you need to address that it doesn’t appear bees are giving you advice for. You described yourself basically as very pushy about everything and clearly have a lack of consideration for what he wants. Having kids does not open the passage way to now get married. Marriage TRADITIONALLY comes BEFORE the house and kids because of good reason. You start a nuclear family with your DH/DW that you can confidently make those life choices with. You don’t do everything backwards and in your time frame and mindset and expect someone else to be along for it just because you want it. And also the name thing with your children.  It is on every waiting post and its insane.  If you wanted the guarantee of having the same name as your children you should have either given them both of your names or been more careful about not getting pregnant until you were married. That’s no reason for him to rush to marry you just because having the same name is important to you. Im convinced some of these men only stay around because they genuinely want to be good dads which is completely honorable.  Marriage should come before kids in my opinion.  It saves all this trouble unless both parties absolutely do not want to get married. 

Post # 59
Member
1969 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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stayingforthepromise :  you are an active participant in your life. You could have chosen to give your child your last name until he proved he was serious if it was that serious to you. I dont understand this. You made choices for your life regardless of him. Getting rid of him was the best one. 

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