(Closed) How much longer should I wait? He's over 30.

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
320 posts
Helper bee

I got married last year in march in the courthouse and only told family and really close friends. We had the most lavish wedding 3 weeks ago. Nothing changed for me, we were still committed to each other and still committed to marrying before our friends, family and Gd. Things don’t have to be done traditionally even if you are traditional. You have to pick your battles and not everything is a fairy tale, my husband put a doughnut on my finger when he proposed, but then again I hate public proposals and I’m not a big romantic…. We still had a very emotional ceremony, my parents gave me away and he cried when he saw me walking down the isle. I agree buying a house was not the best of ideas… I don’t know your boyfriend, you know him better than we do, only you know if he keeps his word or not or if he is stringing you along. Read the signs and make a decision. You should be following your gut feeling.

Post # 32
1782 posts
Buzzing bee

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orangetree:  I don’t think HIS age has much to do with it… I’m 26 and my fiance is 39. We’ll be 27 and 40 when we get married. It’s just how it turned out.

I think your first mistake was not establishing CLEARLY what it was you wanted out of an engagement and marriage before you put money down on a house. So now he’s got the perks of a marriage without having to put in the effort to have the wedding experience you want.

And I agree with PPs that you need to secretly meet with a lawyer to see where you stand with getting your money back out of the house.

I just don’t think this relationship is on the right road, you know? I don’t think that he’s going to change his tune.

Post # 33
96 posts
Worker bee

Welp, I’m still not buying it. Anyway – I’ll tell you the same thing I told you on the other threads – he doesn’t want to marry you. Move on. 

Post # 34
15 posts

What I’m reading is that he asked you if you wanted to get married at the court house, and then have a special party later (not never), so eventually will reveal to friends and family.

I don’t see anything wrong with that. If he’s good enough that you put down money for a house with, you’re not ok with a courthouse wedding and a delayed party? Then why did you put down money for a house? I’m confused by your priorities. Ok so you want the ring, the proposal, the engagement, but you say that you’re “not expecting very much”. I disagree. Ring/proposal/engagement are all very expensive non-essentials to a marriage relationship. You say that for him to go to the courthouse and not tell anyone so it does not seem so real is VERY real, a legal document is more real than any ring or proposal. It’s the only real tangible thing that marks a marriage AND established by the state. 

I think you need to re-evaluate what is important to you because I think you jumped on the house without properly expressing that you want to get engaged with a ring and a proposal and so forth. I think the downpayment was a bad move, especially if you don’t love him enough to just get married legally at the courthouse. if you want all the frills and extras, you should have said so and maybe delay the house, or delay the engagement and the wedding. 

Post # 35
876 posts
Busy bee

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orangetree:  I think that you raise a fair point, but maybe he feels like you;ve gone from talking about marriage in general with no definitive timeline for you guys to wanting to get engaged and make it official soon?

I would suggest talking to him about what you’d like to see happen in the next few years e.g. married within the next 18 months (which would give him time to get you the ring and give you both time to figure out what you want to do weding-wise). Also, if you want kids by roughly a certain age, you should vocalize that to him too.

See what he says and based on his reactions and the timelines he offers you, it shouldn’t be hard to figure out if your suture plans are in sync or if you need to end this because resentment builds.

Post # 36
924 posts
Busy bee

What I’m reading is that he asked you if you wanted to get married at the court house, and then have a special party later (not never), so eventually will reveal to friends and family.

I don’t see anything wrong with that.


I do. I would have a major problem with lying and hiding it from everyone, for an extended and unspecified period of time no less. Just because he is okay with that, doesn’t mean she should be. I know lots of people are fine with deceiving boatloads of people but there is nothing wrong with not being okay with that.

I’ll marry you but you can’t tell anyone until I say so. I’m not sure when that will be, I don’t even have a ballpark timeframe. I just know that I absolutely do not want anyone to know I married you. Those are my conditions for getting married.

Ummm…no. Hell. No. I couldn’t hide my feelings and my happiness about being married, even if I wanted to. I mean, really? You can’t call him your husband or call each other Mr. and Mrs. Whatever or anything? For gods know how long? No.

Post # 37
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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orangetree:  Congratulations on having so much sense. Your logic in your last paragraph is perfect. I have known personally and read here on Weddingbee so many women who have spent 7 or 8 years with a man, have a house together, and even sometimes kids. And they are still wondering when the guy will finally get around to marrying them. I have seen too many women get used this way.

The more you provide a married life for him without being married the less of a need he will see to get married.

Now is the moment of truth. Make your moves toward leaving and see how he reacts. If he does not want to get married and you have to leave, at least  you find out now rather than 5 years from now.

Post # 38
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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orangetree:  Well when we did have that talk I asked him when he realistically saw us getting engaged. He told me he could see it happening by the end of the year, which I was okay with, so it actually brought some peace of mind and our relationship felt much better than it had in recent months. It kind of confirmed to both of us that if he wasn’t ready by the end of the year, we would move on. We ended up getting engaged much sooner than I expected. But no, I would definitely not be distant, I think that would only give him more hesitation.

I do find it odd that he’s uncomfortable telling his friends and family about getting engaged/married and I would definitely discuss it. What are his reasons for wanting to get married and why wouldn’t he want to tell his family? It sounded like when you first brought up marriage he was on the same page. I don’t know … I think there’s something deeper going on here. 

All I can say is that I would just try to talk as much of this out as possible. And I would use the confrontation technique of using “I” sentences instead of “you” so he doesn’t feel like he’s getting all the blame. For example, I’d say something like “I’m having some second thoughts about us buying this house knowing we’re not on the same page about marriage and it’s really affecting how I feel about our relationship,” instead of “You told me we were going to look at rings and get engaged and now you’re not even sure.” In my situation, I don’t think my fiance knew how I really felt until I completely communicated it all to him.

Post # 39
196 posts
Blushing bee

I think you should begin to make a plan for yourself.  I don’t know if he will wake up before you actually executed on your plan, but it will make you feel better to at least have something in the works that does not revolve around him.  Do you still want the house?  Would you be able to be with him in the future within a ring?  If you can’t answer yes to both of those questions then you should tell him that you aren’t sure about buying the house and want to back out of the deal.  At least this way he is on notice.  I don’t know if you have to explain all the details of why you decided to back out, but if so, then be honest.  Sometimes guys don’t understand the significance of marriage and think “why do it because we have a great relationship right now.”  Well, if it means something to you then you should press the issue.

Post # 40
568 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Even if yall get married, the fact that he doesn’t want to tell family and friends would’ve been a dealbreaker for me.

Post # 41
403 posts
Helper bee

Your boyfriend doesn’t want to marry you. He has not only told you this but his every action confirms this.  

As you have free will the choice is now yours whether staying with him unmarried is more important than being married but to someone else.

I suspect you want to be married and there is nothing wrong with that but you will have to move on and find that man who wants marriage to you!

Your boyfriend and all these strangers on the Internet can’t really make it any clearer!!!

Post # 43
2704 posts
Sugar bee

Well I was 28 when my Fiance and I first got together. We got engaged when I was 32 and we are having a nearly 2 yr Engagement. I think a little differently in that I wanted to savour dating and then being engaged. I don’t plan to do either ever again so I figure, why rush things? We will try for babies straight away and our partnership will change so why not just enjoy this special time together

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