(Closed) How much of your own planning can you influence?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
3146 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hopefully, whoever wants to plan these things will reach out to you – for dates, list of invitees, etc. Then you can tell them what your preferences are. My BM’s what kind of things I wanted in general, and then they did all of the actual planning

Post # 3
Member
1338 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think you can somewhat influence the general direction of showers and bach parties as the bride. There’s nothing wrong with you telling your BMs or whoever is planning that you’d prefer these type of activities. It just gets ridiculous IMO when brides dictate people to spend a lot of money or have elaborate parties or whatever. 

You don’t have to do a shower. If you don’t want gifts just tell whoever is planning that you’d just like a tea or bridal luncheon.

Post # 4
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’m facing the same thing. I have very sweet friends who want to throw me a party. However, I hate the idea of them spending their hard earned money on that. I’ve hinted that something more modest like an afternoon tea or a spa day would be fun, but they are talking about plane tickets and hotels…  I’m flustered and don’t know what to do, so I’m interested in the responses here, too.

Post # 5
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think you can have as much influence as you want.  Whether they take your opinions/concerns into consideration is up to them.  Hopefully whoever is planning it cares about what you think.

Post # 6
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee

My BMs asked me for general ideas. They said what sort of things would I consider to be fun, and what sort of things would be red-lines for me/make me really uncomfortable. For instance, I was also uncomfortable with the idea of guests spending too much money. By doing that that, I was able to give them a good idea of the tone I was looking for, without them giving away what the eventual plan will be.

Post # 7
Member
793 posts
Busy bee

I think you get to dictate your preferences. I flat out refused to participate in a shower. I don’t like them and can’t imagine anything more awkward. I also didn’t want a bachelorette but my sister insisted. As a compromise, I picked afternoon tea and tarot card readings. There was not a penis in site and we had a lovely time.

Post # 8
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
beekay :  I would wait until your mom or bridesmaids bring up the shower and bach in conversation to you, and then share some of your preferences. Knowing my family and friends, it would be easier for me to sway the bach party than the shower 🙂 The shower feels like it’s more for my family — a chance for relatives to get together and share in the excitement. For the bach party, I know that my sister will want to run ideas by me and that if I were to mention anything I would be uncomfortable with she would 100% respect those wishes. So I would find your best ally for that! (Not saying my other bridesmaids wouldn’t respect my wishes, it’s just easiest to voice those with my sister :))

Post # 9
Member
1506 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s fine to dictate broad strokes when it comes to simplifying rather than expanding. So, it’s okay to say “I don’t want a destination bachelorette”, but it’s not ok to dictate a destination bachelorette. 

 

Post # 10
Member
1814 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

For our shower I knew that I wanted a couples shower and I made that perfectly clear with my sisters and with my sisters in law. I also made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want a bachelorette party and my fiancé at the time also was against a bachelor party. Both families accepted our wishes

Post # 11
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I had the same issue – i really didn’t want anything too over the top, and i spoke honestly with my bridesmaids. Unfortunately, while they were trying to make plans my one dog passed away and it really took a huge emotional toll on me. Luckily my ladies realised a big party wasn’t going to work anymore and have decided to just do a spa day. You will be surprised that sometimes they already know who you are and the kind of things you enjoy. 

Post # 12
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Hopefully, whoever is planning the events for you will ask you what you’d like, or they might surprise you by how well they know you! For what it’s worth, no one I know likes those kinds of bachelorette parties anyway (maybe it’s just my friend group).

If anyone approaches you about a party, or it comes up in conversation, you could just state your preferences. Most people who want to host a celebration for you should be interested in making sure you’re comfortable and having a good time, so they should respect your wishes.

Post # 13
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I told everyone I flat out did not want a shower, and would promptly walk out should they surprise me with one. I was firm on that.

My bachelorette I had ideas but left it up to them – i made it clear what I did NOT want to do and what we did was perfect for me (We did a wine tour went for dinner etc). Though my Maid/Matron of Honor knew me well enough not to plan certain things.

Post # 14
Member
8601 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Most of the time the hosts ask your preferences. Its totally fine to say “no tacky weiner paraphenalia”… i said the same thing. In fact i made one Bridesmaid or Best Man swear to be on “weiner watch” incase they wanted to surprise me as a joke! Same with no destination bach, theyll probably be relieved. 

As for the shower… if someone offers to host one, I think its fine to say you would prefer recipes instead of gifts. If they insist on a shower with gifts then I wouldnt push it. 

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