Post # 1
I know that etiquette dictates that a bride does not plan her own shower or bachelorette party, but I’m wondering if you can say anything at all about what you’d like and what you would not like?
For example, I do not want for anything in life, I positively do not need my friends to spend money on a shower gift. I don’t need a shower at all (because the whole purpose of the shower is gifts), but would love to do an afternoon tea and if gifts are a requirement of a shower, ask guests to bring a card of their favorite recipe or something. Likewise, I loathe all stereotypical “bachelorette” things. I do not want penis paraphernalia, or a sash or tiara. I do not want to be seen in public wearing matching t-shirts with all my friends. Most of all, I don’t want my friends to spend hundreds or even thousands of dollars on flights and hotels and meals and drinks and so on and so forth. Again, I don’t need a bachelorette party, but if I have one, I’d like to either do a really nice dinner out or spend a day at local wineries.
How much of this am I allowed to communicate with either my mom or my bridesmaids? Do I just have to suck it up and try to enjoy whatever they plan?
Post # 2
Hopefully, whoever wants to plan these things will reach out to you – for dates, list of invitees, etc. Then you can tell them what your preferences are. My BM’s what kind of things I wanted in general, and then they did all of the actual planning
Post # 3
I think you can somewhat influence the general direction of showers and bach parties as the bride. There’s nothing wrong with you telling your BMs or whoever is planning that you’d prefer these type of activities. It just gets ridiculous IMO when brides dictate people to spend a lot of money or have elaborate parties or whatever.
You don’t have to do a shower. If you don’t want gifts just tell whoever is planning that you’d just like a tea or bridal luncheon.
Post # 4
I’m facing the same thing. I have very sweet friends who want to throw me a party. However, I hate the idea of them spending their hard earned money on that. I’ve hinted that something more modest like an afternoon tea or a spa day would be fun, but they are talking about plane tickets and hotels… I’m flustered and don’t know what to do, so I’m interested in the responses here, too.
Post # 5
I think you can have as much influence as you want. Whether they take your opinions/concerns into consideration is up to them. Hopefully whoever is planning it cares about what you think.
Post # 6
My BMs asked me for general ideas. They said what sort of things would I consider to be fun, and what sort of things would be red-lines for me/make me really uncomfortable. For instance, I was also uncomfortable with the idea of guests spending too much money. By doing that that, I was able to give them a good idea of the tone I was looking for, without them giving away what the eventual plan will be.
Post # 7
I think you get to dictate your preferences. I flat out refused to participate in a shower. I don’t like them and can’t imagine anything more awkward. I also didn’t want a bachelorette but my sister insisted. As a compromise, I picked afternoon tea and tarot card readings. There was not a penis in site and we had a lovely time.
Post # 8
I would wait until your mom or bridesmaids bring up the shower and bach in conversation to you, and then share some of your preferences. Knowing my family and friends, it would be easier for me to sway the bach party than the shower 🙂 The shower feels like it’s more for my family — a chance for relatives to get together and share in the excitement. For the bach party, I know that my sister will want to run ideas by me and that if I were to mention anything I would be uncomfortable with she would 100% respect those wishes. So I would find your best ally for that! (Not saying my other bridesmaids wouldn’t respect my wishes, it’s just easiest to voice those with my sister :))
Post # 9
I think it’s fine to dictate broad strokes when it comes to simplifying rather than expanding. So, it’s okay to say “I don’t want a destination bachelorette”, but it’s not ok to dictate a destination bachelorette.
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre
For our shower I knew that I wanted a couples shower and I made that perfectly clear with my sisters and with my sisters in law. I also made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want a bachelorette party and my fiancé at the time also was against a bachelor party. Both families accepted our wishes
Post # 11
I had the same issue – i really didn’t want anything too over the top, and i spoke honestly with my bridesmaids. Unfortunately, while they were trying to make plans my one dog passed away and it really took a huge emotional toll on me. Luckily my ladies realised a big party wasn’t going to work anymore and have decided to just do a spa day. You will be surprised that sometimes they already know who you are and the kind of things you enjoy.
Post # 12
Hopefully, whoever is planning the events for you will ask you what you’d like, or they might surprise you by how well they know you! For what it’s worth, no one I know likes those kinds of bachelorette parties anyway (maybe it’s just my friend group).
If anyone approaches you about a party, or it comes up in conversation, you could just state your preferences. Most people who want to host a celebration for you should be interested in making sure you’re comfortable and having a good time, so they should respect your wishes.
Post # 13
I told everyone I flat out did not want a shower, and would promptly walk out should they surprise me with one. I was firm on that.
My bachelorette I had ideas but left it up to them – i made it clear what I did NOT want to do and what we did was perfect for me (We did a wine tour went for dinner etc). Though my Maid/Matron of Honor knew me well enough not to plan certain things.
Post # 14
Most of the time the hosts ask your preferences. Its totally fine to say “no tacky weiner paraphenalia”… i said the same thing. In fact i made one Bridesmaid or Best Man swear to be on “weiner watch” incase they wanted to surprise me as a joke! Same with no destination bach, theyll probably be relieved.
As for the shower… if someone offers to host one, I think its fine to say you would prefer recipes instead of gifts. If they insist on a shower with gifts then I wouldnt push it.