(Closed) How much say does a bride have over her bridesmaids' appearance?

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Can the bride ask the bridesmaids to change their appearance?
    Yes : (23 votes)
    14 %
    No : (134 votes)
    81 %
    Other (I'll explain below) : (8 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9917 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I chose my bridesmaids because of who they are.  Therefore, no matter what they look like, as long as they wear the dress they’ve already bought, I won’t have a problem.  Unless my one bridesmaid wears that one pair of shoes she showed me!

     

    But really, who cares?  The day is about you, not about the rose tattoo Sarah has on her ankle.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    505 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2018

    i’ve never had my hair unnatural colours or drastic cuts and i have no tattoos so I can’t say how strongly people feel about that.

    but i think i’d be willing to cover a tattoo up for a day if i was asked by a close friend, but the hair is a no-go for me, its not even the cost but the process is damaging

    Post # 6
    Member
    1238 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Well, if you’re talking about hair colour, sure why not ask your friend if she’s ok going back to her original colour before the wedding. I’m assuming you’re close because she’s someone who you are considering to be in your wedding party, so you should be able to discuss these things.

    Tattoos are more personal, so they might object to you asking them to cover up.

    When I first saw this post I thought you might be asking your BMs to lose weight… and that I would say is a big no. It’s tough enough for our friends to shell out the cash, plan the pre-parties and be your emotional support and helping team without worrying that they need to lose weight.

    In my opinion, i wanted my friends to look like they normally do- but in a nice outfit.

    my two cents.

    Post # 7
    Member
    5958 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    I would happily cover a tattoo for a friend, those are for me and no one else, although no one has ever asked me to.  The day I dye or change my hair based on the whims of a bride, no matter how close of a friend, the cat’s eyes will spin!  It gets to a point where the micro-management of some brides literally begs her bridesmaids to rise up and stage a coup.  Everything within reason, then all bets are off!

    Post # 8
    Member
    2523 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    When I was a bridesmaid, it honestly really irritated me when my bride said I couldn’t cut my hair, get highlights, wear my hair in a way that was flattering to me, but in the way she wanted. It’s my hair!

    If you know your friends like to have purple hair, and you know that will bother you when you look back at your pictures, then don’t ask them to be a bridesmaid. Same thing with a lot of tattoos.

    Post # 9
    Member
    3175 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I think it’s reasonable to pick a dress/bolero/whatever that covers tattoos, but I think it’s overstepping your bounds to ask much else of a BM’s appearance. I would never let appearance get in the way of friendships, and I trusted my (grown) BMs to make their own decisions about how they’d look on my wedding day. They didn’t disappoint, and we were all happy!

    Post # 10
    Member
    2914 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    @kfiorita:  Control or suggest? No. Offer to pay for, maybe. For example, if your hair-dyeing friend sometimes goes back to her original hair color, and you wanted to offer: “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that if you wanted to go back to your natural hair color before my wedding, I’d be willing to pay for it. But that’s just an offer, it’s not a request! I love your hair no matter what color it is.” Similarly, if a bridesmaid had a tattoo in an easily covered spot, you could choose a dress that would cover it. Otherwise, I think you’re out of luck. Surely in 20 or 40 years you want to be able to look back at your wedding photos and think how glad you are that everyone looked like themselves, not like polished, laquered clones. πŸ™‚

    Post # 11
    Member
    2335 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I would be extremely put off if my friend asked me to dye my hair to be in her bridal party- it just seems so petty and micro-managing.  What is the reason for that?  Everyone is looking at the bride, the bride is the focus of photos, and no one will care if a bridesmaid’s hair is blonde or brown.

    Post # 12
    Member
    901 posts
    Busy bee

    I think it’s very rude an inappropriate to attempt to dictate your bridesmaids’ personal appearances. Just don’t go down that road, period.

    Post # 13
    Member
    7771 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I think it is really rude to ask them to alter their physical appearance past wearing a dress you choose.

    Post # 15
    Member
    4352 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I don’t think you can ask them to do any of those things (change hair color, cover tattoos, change hair style [other than requesting it be worn up/down], lose/gain weight). I have one bridesmaid who offered to cover her tattoo for my wedding and I said I would appreciate it if she did. Its a gigantic tattoo on her back that is usually covered by her clothes (she dresses modestly).  She’s also covering it for her wedding because she doesn’t think it goes with the rest of her ensemble. If they offer you can certainly take them up on it. But otherwise I think you can’t do anything about it (other than choose a dress which covers the tattoo). If you are really concerned with it, I would just not choose them as bridesmaids.

    Post # 16
    Member
    5093 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I don’t think you can do any of the things you mentioned.

    I had one Bridesmaid or Best Man who had a visible tattoo on her shoulderblade.  The only time I mentioned it was that I thought one style of dress looked better on her than another because the bad style halfway covered the tattoo, and I think tattoos look funky when they’re halfway covered.  I suggested that a style that either covered all or none of it would be better.  My girls ended up in a dress that showed it.

    That same Bridesmaid or Best Man normally dyes her hair red, but a few months before the wedding, she dyed it bright blue.  I’ll admit that I wouldn’t have been the most thrilled if her hair had been blue at the wedding, but it’s her hair, and I couldn’t say anything about it.  I let her know that blue was okay, but she ended up dying it super dark brown right before the wedding.  It looked a bit strange on her, since it was really too dark for her complexion, but whatever.  That’s how she wanted her hair, and so that’s how it was.  When I look at the pictures, I don’t look at her hair.  I look at the smiling face of my friend who cared enough about me and Darling Husband to stand up there with us on our wedding day.

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