(Closed) How much should DH help if you're a SAHM?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 32
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I has never occured to me that being a Stay-At-Home Mom meant that you had to do ALL of the housework/cooking/childcare.  I am not a Stay-At-Home Mom now, but I likely will be and that is NOT the arrangement we discussed.  I would do it because we think it’s best for our children, not to be a maid/short order cook/24 hour slave.

Post # 33
923 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
Bichon Frise:  in no way would that fly with me. I have an almost 5 year old and we have another baby on the way. I will be staying home for the first year at least and our plan is to have our chores stay the same, he does dishes and cleans the kitchen, his laundy, garbage and lawn stuff. I cook and do house and kids laundry and do the day to day cleaning, groceries ect. I will be getting up at night with the baby on nights he has to work in the morning, on weekends we will be taking turns. when he gets home he is going to help with the baby and my daughter, because he actually is interested in being a father, if he didn’t want to spend time with our kids I wouldn’t be with him! I have zero problem doing the majority of the housework and childcare but when he gets home I expect him to help out. I fsomething needs to get done around the house we usually do it together, because like other people have said we are a team!

Post # 34
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

It is deeply concerning that he won’t even let you have a *shower* without complaining about having to look after his baby. I’m sure he’s tired. Have you discussed maybe letting him have one or two hours right after work to ‘wind down’ before you take showers, etc.? I can understand that he might feel thrown into the fray if he gets home, and someone is immediately saying, “I need to shower, can you watch the baby?” But, I’d suggest a strict timeline on it: if he gets home at, say, 5, by 6 o’clock, he needs to pitch in.

I think that watching the baby while you shower, do errands/housework in the evening, etc., is totally normal. Hell, I don’t even see anything wrong with the mom getting out for a few hours one or two nights a week on her own sans baby. That’s probably what we’ll end up doing. While babies can be a lot of work, it is concerning to me that even taking on half an hour or an hour of watching his kid at a time feels to him like he’s being put out.

I get that working a pay job is difficult, but being a stay-at-home mom is tough too. I do feel the Stay-At-Home Mom should do the majority of the housework and child care, however, to balance things out. But at night, there’s no reason that dad can’t pitch in a little.

Post # 35
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Well, your job is a 24 hour job for 7 days a week.  His job is only 8-ish hours a day for  5 days a week.  I think you need to tell him that he gets a 1 hour lunch break (if not longer) and you demand one, too.  You also need to tell him that, unless he starts working 24 hours a day and works weekends, he needs to STFU and pitch in!

And tell him that the 1950’s called and they want their shitty “I’m the man” attitude back.

Post # 36
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If he can’t be a father to his own child, or help out the woman he supposedly loves, then he doesn’t really love either of you. If he did, he would be more than happy to do little things. My aunt was in a marriage for years to someone who refused to do anything for her or her child. That man is now her ex because he gradually got worse and worse and ended up being abusive to both of them.

Post # 37
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
Bichon Frise:  As much as I understand the provider has to go to work for the day— ask him:  what happens if I were working outside of the home for 40 hours a week?  Babies don’t raise themselves.


Your job is just as important as his:  you’re raising your son.  I’m sure if you dropped him off at daycare everyday, your husband would respect that person who watched your son each day.  It’s thier job.  Daycare providers can’t call in sick all the time, or ust decide to not work one day– because it’s their JOB.

You might not get paid, but you’re saving your household he heft cost of childcare, all while knowing your son is being raised by the best.


My husband is not my son’s father– my son’s father was the same way as your husband.  He acted like I was asking the world of him if I just wanted him to put baby to bed one night.  

Post # 38
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

My husband and I are very traditional and before having our now 2 month old, I did ALL the housework. Laundry, cleaning, ironing, cooking, calls, appointments, shopping, etc. Now that we have a little one my husband helps out a lot more! I still try to keep it to me doinreally the housework andobviously caring for my son all day but when hubby is home he does whatever he can to help out. For instance if I’m feedingand the dishes aren’t done yet he will just do them so they’re done so we can all have more time together after the feEdings. I’d like to have the time to do everything I used to but it’simpossible with a child at this age and my husband understands and helps me out tremendously. I think it’s important that you explain to your husband thatyou both work all day and when he comes homeit’s needs to be a team effort to get things done…it’ll give you both more together family time and alone time to maintain ur sanity. Good luck

Post # 39
1285 posts
Bumble bee

Either way, my opinion, married couples should both be putting in 100% and 50/50 of the work. Kids or no kids.    

I was married to a man who was like this. I was a Stay-At-Home Mom, he made me do everything while he sat on his ass. We had 2 kids. It was exhausting. I got tired of it after a few years.  

I’m with my fiance now.  We do everything 50/50. He is a part time SAH-stepdad.  I help out as much as possible and put in as much effort around the house as he does.  I’d never make him do 100% of the work while I came home and relaxed and did nothing. I get home at 6pm too. I’d LOVE to sit around and relax…but I can’t. That’s  life. Things need to be done.  Cleaning, laundry, yard work, dishes, cooking.  With kids, there is constant cleaning – running them places, errands to run. 

If you want him to help out, you need to speak to him about it.  Trust me, after several years of this, you’ll get tired and run down and seriously, sick of doing it alone.

Post # 39
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It still amazes me that this day and age there are still people out there that think that if theyre the provider then they get a free pass from helping out with the family. 

Post # 40
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If I see one more person act like a penis exempts you from changing a diaper I’ll scream. I never held a baby before I had my own much less changed or took care of one. Guess what? I stepped the fuck up and LEARNED because as parents that’s what we do. OP I really feel for you, between this and your sleep training thread your husband sounds like an asshole. I hope he changes his tune and quick! 

  • This reply was modified 7 years, 2 months ago by .
Post # 41
2692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I do expect some kind of help from my hubby, especially with the baby, but i dont expect him to come home and clean or cook or do laundry on his days off.  But helping me out is a must. I am a sahm to fou , the baby being 8 months old. My hubby works hard at his job, has a lot of responsibilities and so needs a break when he gets home. He also gets to hang out with friends and coworkers once a week or so and he gets free time to play his video games, run, garden, etc. i work hard at home as well, especially with a baby who rarely, if ever naps and still wont sleep thru the night. I am wiped most ams, not mention having to get older kids up and ready for school. I NEED a break too lol.

so, my hubby will get his quality time in with the baby so i can get a break. He is expected to pick up after himself too as i am not a maid. Also he watches the baby not just so i can shower but so i can do other me time things too. 

I do 99% of the housework and dealing with the kids because, i am home but when hubby is home, he does try and help out with the baby as well.  Im sorry your husband is like that but maybe if you had a talk with him, he might realize how offputting his behavior is and change his tune.

Post # 42
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

My expectations of the stay at home parent would be: 

  • majority of the daily housework (cooking, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, general pick up)
  • majority of the child care (I would expect them to be the person who got up at night)

My expectations of the working parent would be:

  • Working a job that would support both partners and child/children
  • Taking care of paying bills
  • Running errands that might require longer wait times or watching kids so the other parent can run errand (so as not to put the stay at home person in a position of having to keep a child occupied for unknown periods of time)
  • Helping with child care once home 
  • Equal effort with deep cleaning house tasks 

These would be my expectations regardless of which parent was working and which one was staying home. 

Post # 43
2153 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

View original reply
Bichon Frise:  I’m not a Stay-At-Home Mom but I am a new mom of twins on 12 Week maternity leave and I expect my husband to help all the time! Even if I wasn’t planning on going back to work that woild be the way of it. DH is very involved however and although yes I so want him to get plenty of rest I do expect him to jump in as soon as possible with houshold matters. 

Post # 44
1112 posts
Bumble bee

There is no “division of labor” in marriage (or parenting). Sure, you can both play to your strengths, but there should be no excuse to not give 110% at all times. It’s not a “give and take,” it’s a give-give relationship! Especially with a baby! 

Maybe you could consider meeting with a mediator or counselor with your husband? Most churches offer free services if you contact them.

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