(Closed) How much should groom’s family help out?!?

posted 10 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

I would say that honestly, regardless of amount, it should not be expected for parents to contribute — they don’t really have an obligation to do so.  I think a lot of them do offer, but if they don’t or complain when you ask, even if only for a little $, then I would drop it and not mention anything more about it to them.

For our wedding, we fully expected to pay for a small wedding completely on our own.  My parents and Mr. P’s mom offered to chip in, mainly to cover the cost of the huge amount of people they wanted to invite that we wouldn’t be able to invite otherwise  (our wedding ended up having over 400 people)!  Mr. P’s dad holds much tighter to his money, so we didn’t ask or expect anything from him, but nor did we allow him to have much say in our wedding-related decisions.

Post # 4
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

Maybe show him the bills and the contracts created.

He obviously has NO idea what an amazing deal that is for 125 people! You need to share tips! 😉

Maybe once you show him the cost he will see the light.

My FI’s father is an accountant. Everything is SO blk and white with him. I had to show him contracts and bills and tell him that we haggled and show him rates online to get him to understand the cost of things. We are STILL trying to get them to JUST pay $1K for the rehearsal dinner. But he is still dragging his feet to the point where I just want to do a smaller RD and not have them pay at all for anything!

I’d say do the list and show him the cost. If he still complains then drop it…in my opinion it’s not worth them being possibly bitter with you for years to come…especially over $500-600!

Post # 5
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

I think in these days and times, it’s not the norm to expect parents to pay for any part of the wedding, but would be a nice bit of help if they chose to.  Honestly, I think that if you and your husband decide to have an anniversary dinner, while great to get everyone together again, I don’t think it should be expected that either set of parents contribute.  Perhaps your in-laws are thinking about what the pattern may be….2,3,4,25 year anniversary?

I mean from their standpoint, I think it should be optional and not mandatory.  If you and your husband want to throw a party, I think as the host, you ought to be able to cover the expenses.  With that said, that means, the parents have no right in adding to the guest list, if you know what I mean.

If they choose to contribute, good for you, but bottom line is no, it should not be expected of them.

Post # 6
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Sorry, but I think it was presumptuous, and sort of rude for you to ask them for money for the wedding.  You chose to be married on a beach and have a party for it a year later.  You should be prepared to pay for this yourself.  If they choose to offer you money to help out, then that is wonderful, but for you to say to them "This is what we are doing – may we have $600 from you?" – I would be slightly offended if I were them. 

Post # 7
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

It’s nice when parents do contribute of their own free will, but I think you made a bit of a faux-pas to actually ask for money, and especially to argue with your Father-In-Law when he said no.  You’re not too old to accept money from parents for a wedding, but you are too old to be asking for money from them.  It’s also irrelevant that he went on vacation – whether he can afford the $600 or not is not the point (I understand that it stings that he’s choosing to spend the money on himself instead, but that’s his prerogative).  You can be annoyed about it – your feelings are valid, but I think you should stop asking and just suck up the $600 cost yourself.

I think your Father-In-Law is being a bit selfish, but I also think he has the right to decide how to spend his money and that includes the right to be selfish with it.  I wouldn’t like it if I were in your shoes, but I think you have no choice but to accept his decision.

Post # 9
Member
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

hi ashleigh — to answer your question, my family is paying for the reception and ceremony and my FI’s family is paying for the rehearsal dinner. we’re paying for the rings, the honeymoon, out of town bags for guests, his suit (my dress was a gift), and gifts for attendants and parents ourselves.

Post # 10
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

My Fiance and I are paying for the entire wedding ourselves…neither set of parents are/were expected to pay for anything except their own outfits of course!  =)  But the Western tradition may be very different from the Asian culture that I grew up with.  Best of luck!

Post # 11
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Ashleigh – your second post does make it sound like you handled the situation much better than I initially thought.  My apologies for misunderstanding.  I do still stand by the advice not to ask for anything more though.

With regards to what groom’s families are contributing these days – the fact is that today, weddings are paid for in every combination of people contributing that you can imagine, and every percentage you can imagine.  There’s no set rule anymore.  A lot of couples pay for the whole thing themselves, many still have the bride’s parents foot the whole bill, some do a 50/50 split of money from the bride and groom’s parents, some split three ways between the bride’s parents, groom’s parents, and bride & groom themselves.  Some people have other family members contributing various amounts, etc etc.  Any amount from anyone is considered normal, pretty much.  I think the short answer is that there is no standard payment scenario anymore!!

Post # 12
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Okay first off *High Five Mr ashleighsteib* His comment was right on and too funny and he’s a keeper for sure! No need to tell you that though!

Second, I have a very gracious and tradtional grooms side of the family. When we decided to get married they offered/agreed to pay for the following

* Grooms dinner and all items in it (food, drink, decorations, rental of tent, plates….) for about 50 guests

*All the "drink" at the wedding reception – so far their list is White Wine, Red wine, chamange for the toast and a few kegs. All to be rfree until gone. Price – I don’t even want to think about it!!!

*Hor ‘dourves at the cocktail hour (About $1200 worth, she said we had to have them)

As the time has gone on they have picked up little things:

*She bought my veil and the 6 sashes for my Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, we now are trying to sell as we don’t need them….lol – 

* Grooms Cake – total about custom made to feed 50

*Cookies used for escort items at wedding, 250 of them

 

So lets see your Father-In-Law and wife are upset about $600.00! How terrible are they!? Mind you, I’ve not asked for ANY of what they are picking up 

Mine are in for over $7K easy! I was quite happy with them getting the drink and grooms dinner as is tradition to them (English family, don’t know the american tradition..never married before this)

I say a guilt trip is in order. Sounds like Your Hubby hasn’t trouble sticking up for himself. Have him contact him, point out who’s paid for waht, let him know that it’s really childish and selfish for him to act this way, then mention the vacations and how much they make a year. OH – then remind him that most receptions cost about 3 times what your spending, and send him to http://www.costofwedding.com to look up the average in your area…that ought to shut him up. maybe get you more then $600 too!

You’re never to old to ask your family for help with your wedding. As long as it’s not like your 5th or something

Post # 13
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

Sweeney… is that a joke?!  If my son came to me with that attitude I’d be really disappointed.  And question everything I had done in raising him. 

Post # 14
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I think it just depends.  There are not really any set rules anymore. My parents offered me a certain amount.  My FI’s parents asked him how much my parents were contributing and graciously offered to give the same amount.  Neither one of us was expecting that, but we were so grateful as it was large amount of money.  My Fiance and I are still paying about 1/2 of all wedding expenses.

Post # 15
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Well considering how the Father-In-Law is acting towards them for an amount that seems more then resonable, and is being ask for as a gift for the wedding – not a donation, I think the Father-In-Law is being selfish and childish – and yeah I would point out that they’ve taken an expensive trips and make the most and that if they didn’t want to contribute then a simple "We’d rather not" would suffice over "I need an itemized bill for everything you plan to spend it on before i can give it to you"

How can an itemized bill be given for items not purchased yet? It’s his sons wedding, he should be overjoyed – not acting like a bank manager. It just feels like from the original post the Father-In-Law doens’t want to hand any money over based on his reactions and need for "tradtion" and have her parents pay for everything. And it’s not based on the fact he doens’t have the money to give, he just doensn’t want to.

If I acted sefish and rude I would hope that my child would be able to  tell me how they feel and not hide it from me to sacrifice my feelings. How they is just as if not more important then how I feel! If I’m acting like a dope – I want my adult kids tell me, I’ll have an adult conversation with them to work it out and in the end I’m sure I’ll be much happier i knew how they felt as opposed to them sulking about feeling like I’m being terrible and selfish and unreasonable about something. I would never want my kids to feel that way. Yes I’m a parent but that doens’t make me a dictator, it’s my responsablity to raise self confident and happy kids capeable of speaking thier mind when they have to. 

Maybe the "guilt trip" line was over the top and that’s not actually needed and I could have described it in a better way – but I think the dad needs to know he’s hurting the feelings of his son and daughter in law. And if that means using examples from his life, then maybe thats what Father-In-Law will need to realize what hes said and done.

IMO Father-In-Law is being stingy, but thats just me. And all I know of him is one post so I could be way way off. 

Post # 16
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

My parents are divorced, but the "who’s paying" breaks down like this:

My dad/mom/stepdad: 55%

Future In-Laws: 25%

Us: 20%

Our total budget is 36K (which is a ridiculous and embarassing number, but apparently under average for our area).  FI’s parent’s aren’t paying for specific things, they are just giving us a lump sum and letting us do with it what we want. 

One thing I will warn you about, the idea of "whoever pays, plays".  The Future In-Laws, while the are so very generous, have taken the fact that they are paying as a ticket to taking over decisions and questioning the choices my parents and I have made.  It has been tough.

Good luck to you!  You sound like you are dealing well.

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