Post # 1
Hubs and I had a talk the other night about spending time with his family, how they would not only like to spend more time with us as a couple, but also just with me. I have gone out to lunch with Mother-In-Law a couple times and have spent a couple evenings with SIL driving out to see hubs while we were just dating, but nothing really beyond that. I talked to my Mum about it and her first response was, “You married DH and into the family, you didn’t marry his family!” Now, my Mum has a good relationship with her IL’s, but wouldn’t go out of her way to spend time with them (except for one of her SIL’s who lives farther away. The 2 of us are going to visit her next month), especially on her own.
For Bee’s with good relationships with their IL’s, how much time do you spend with them? As a couple and on your own? Do you think there should be boundaries, because they are IL’s?
To clarify, I love my IL’s, we get along well and I feel we have great relationships. I’m just not sure how far our relationships should go with spending time with each other and going out together – different tastes, cultures, beliefs and such.
Post # 3
I’m sure it’s one of those things that’s “to each his own” but I have never done anything on my own with my FIL’s. I feel like that would be weird. But I really really like them!! FH and I will have brunch/dinner with them every once in a while. We also spend some holidays with them. I think there should be boundaries in that I wouldn’t want my Future Mother-In-Law to tell me what to do or how to raise my kids or how I should treat my FH.
Post # 4
@losingfocus: Fiance has a wonderful relationship with my parents, in particular my dad. Sometimes he’ll ring up my dad to talk about the housing market with questions. Only a few times has Fiance hung out with my dad without me- maybe 3 times total. If you feel like they’re asking too much, then they’re asking too much. They may be missing the dynamic they had with their son and are trying to recreate it now with you.
Post # 5
I completely agree about those boundaries! ATM, I don’t see that being a problem, never has been and the only thing Mother-In-Law has ever said about babies is that she hoped we would call her first about emergencies. But, I think I’m scared those boundaries might be expanded the more time you spend together, the more you talk and therefore the more that comes out about your general way of life…
Post # 6
I’ve never hung out with my in laws alone, but they aren’t local to us so it’s a bit different. I wouldn’t go out of town for a weekend to visit them without him. While we’re there I’ve occasionally hung out with just his mom and sister while the guys went out to do something else for a couple hours but doesn’t happen too often
Post # 7
That is very true. I honestly don’t know anyone in real life who is like super super close with their in-laws. I feel like it is a little on the odd side that your future in laws want to spend time with only you and not your FH too! I mean it’s sweet of them, but, I would just tell your FH that you don’t feel super comfortable with that….
Post # 8
I have been spending quite a bit of time with my in-laws to be (especially his mom). We really get along so well, and they are just wonderful people!
This Friday, my future mother in law and I are going dress shopping!!!!!
I can hardly wait!
Post # 9
I adore my fiance’s family. We have dinner at my FIL’s house probably every other week and see them out socially once a week. I loooooove my Mother-In-Law and consider her a friend so I would totally hang out (and have several times) just the two of us. The only caveat is that I haven’t exactly warmed up to his sister 100%. She is a peach, don’t get me wrong, we’re just different people and I don’t think we would be friends outside of me marrying her brother. So for those, I see her socially at the kids’ games and dinners, but I don’t actively seek her out to go shopping. Although we do get mani-pedis with her, her mom and myself on occasion and it’s fun.
Did that make any sense?
As for family expectations, the person who marries into this family has some responsibilities. It’s expected that if your SO can’t make something, and you can, that you go without them and enjoy yourself. This includes visiting grandma in the nursing home….something I am scared to death to do because she’s a batty and mean old lady. So I keep putting this off. lol
Post # 10
Ha! Are you kidding? My Mother-In-Law rips into my fiance when I fill her in on any recent squabbles. She’s hilarious.
Post # 11
We pretty much see his family once or twice a month for a few hours each time. As for doing things alone with them, that almost never happens. Back when we lived with his parents early on in our relationship, I would spend time with them when DH (BF at the time) would have to go to work or something but even those visits were few and far between (I’d normally drive back up to my moms house if Boyfriend or Best Friend wasn’t going to be home). My Mother-In-Law and I have gone shopping a few times but that’s about it. It’s not that I’m opposed to spending time with them, the opportunities just don’t really present themselves and I certainly don’t seek these things out.
After recently having a falling out with my Mother-In-Law, I definitely think that boundaries need to be in place. I will not allow her to criticize my marriage, my home or my family. She may not like the way that we do things but it’s none of her concern. This has been an issue for us for the last month or so but I think she’s finally starting to see the error of her ways. Let’s hope she stays that way because if she crosses the line again, she’ll only hurt herself.
Post # 12
I say do whatever works for you and what you’re comfortable with! That being said, I LOVE my future in-laws and honestly see my Future Sister-In-Law at least once a week, ususally without my FI! She’s one of my best friends. We joke to my Fiance that even if he and I ever split, she and I would still hang out. I see my Future Mother-In-Law a couple times a month as well.
Good point about In-laws telling you how to raise kids and treat her son etc, I’m sure that applies to many. However, I love talking to Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law about my issues with Fi though because I know they love and support him (and us!) unconditionally and won’t hold judgement on him like someone else might. My Future Mother-In-Law has also made it very clear she doesn’t ever want to push her beliefs about raising kids on me and has told me to “yell at her” if she does. I guess we’ll see if that really is how she feels once we do
have kids but so far, it’s a nice sentiment to hear.
Post # 13
We have the same situation.
I don’t know whether I’d agree that just
because they are inlaws, there should be boundaries. I think that it really depends on the current relationship that your DH has with his family, how you get along with them, etc. I think that there should be boundaries with both sets of parents and that they will probably be different.
In my situation, both of our families 2 and 3.5 hours away from us. We spend significantly more time with my family. I would say that that’s because of the relationship I have with them and the fact that they are willing to make efforts to see us as well as us travelling to see them. My DH has periods where he is uncomfortable with the amount of social time, for example, that happens at my parents’ place. He’s an introvert in a land of extroverts…so that makes it a bit difficult for him. My parents will be involved grandparents.
My inlaws rarely reach out to us and come to visit once a year. We go to visit them every 4 months or so and spend alternate holidays there. There are a lot of good reasons for this, but it also is because they are pathological in their desire to not interferre. They do not call, don’t really know how to use email, and aren’t very social. They will not be involved grandparents (their choice). I do care about them and they are great people. This is just who they are. I get along with my Brother-In-Law and SIL superficially. We would not be friends if I hadn’t moved into the family. We’ll probably never be close and I wouldn’t really want to spend too much time with them one-on-one.
I think that it’s great his parents want to spend time with you, but if your DH (or you) doesn’t have that kind of relationship currently with them, I can see how that would be awkward.
Post # 14
All the time! lol I am actually going after work today!! 🙂 I think its important but again everyone is different.
Post # 15
I see my in laws once or twice a month but never alone… I have a great relationship with them and it works for us…
Post # 16
As a couple we see them about once a week and I hang out with my Future Mother-In-Law by myself all the time. We are pool buddies 🙂