Post # 1
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
I’m a little stumped on how much to gift for a black tie wedding.
It’s for a friend I was close to in college but am not as close with now (haven’t seen her in several years, she moved across the country, but we text fairly often).
We are from extremely different economic backgrounds. We had a backyard wedding last year with only our parents because it’s what we could afford. She is having a black tie wedding (paid for by family) at one of the most exclusive venues in the city we went to college. It’s wound up being extremely expensive for us to attend, between the timing and location of the wedding requiring multiple night hotel accommodations (we are driving 4 hours each way in one day to avoid the hotel cost), parking in the city, and the mandatory black tie dress code.
I keep going back and forth between being frustrated she would select such expensive choices when many of her friends are in a similar situation to us, and wanting to make sure I gift a fair amount since I did agree to go. We just honestly don’t have money to “pay for our plates” on top of everything else if that’s still a thing.
I already purchased one of the least expensive things on her registry- a picture frame that cost $80 (!?) but that tied in well to our mutual interests and friendship. I had planned on giving her an additional cash gift at the wedding, but now $50 seems to stingy for a check and $100 is really a lot for us?
What do I do?
Post # 2
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: July 2021 - British Columbia, Canada
Whatever you are able to comfortably afford to gift is what you gift 🙂 You’ve already purchased something from her registry for her, there’s no obligation to give cash as well.
Post # 3
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
I am having a wedding where my Fiance and I live, however, none of my guests live there, so they will be going out of pocket to come to my wedding and I appreciate it so much! Because of this, I would absolutley never expect a gift of any sort from them! I know my wedding is not black tie, but I wouldn’t want to put people out more than them just coming to support me on my day! I am not even going to provide a registry unless someone can’t come and asks for it.
Post # 4
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
Thanks. I feel a little better. I guess I heard at some point that if you can’t afford a wedding gift, you can’t afford to come to the wedding. But I know it’s stupid to end up resenting her because I gave her more than I can afford.
Post # 5
Member
921 posts
Busy bee
Give what you can afford.
One of my friends flew across the country, took several days off work, hotel, car, etcetcetc. She asked me what I wanted as a gift and I told her, “you being here is what I wanted.” and I meant it.
You already bought a frame. If you are up for it, print out a picture of your friend ahd her new husband to be. One of my friends did this for us and it was one of my most treasured gifts.
Post # 6
Member
1492 posts
Bumble bee
12_Elle : what you have already purchased is generous enough. All my out of town wedding guests pooled together and purchased a small gift under $100. I was so thankful for that because they had already spent hundreds on travel costs.
Post # 7
Member
786 posts
Busy bee
The formality of the event does not dictate the price of the gift 🙂
Post # 8
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
rockclimberbride : +1
You give what you would give just as if the couple was having a backyard bbq wedding. They don’t get more expensive gifts just because they chose to have a more expensive wedding
Post # 9
Member
1653 posts
Bumble bee
80 already sounds expensive to me?
Post # 10
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
I guess I can see why the fanciness of the wedding wouldn’t dictate the cost of the gift… But is it reasonable for it to go the other way? Rentals for black tie attire for us (even with the cheapest appropriate RTR dress I could find) was still much more than we’d typically gift at other friends weddings where we could wear something out of our closet.
Post # 11
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
I don’t gift based on the fanciness of the event. I do gift based on my closeness with the couple. If money were an issue I would definitely factor in travel costs, especially if the couple was asking us to do something really elaborate.
I believe everyone should gift what they can afford. If for you that’s an $80 frame, that’s great and the couple should appreciate your generosity.
Post # 12
Member
5663 posts
Bee Keeper
Give what you can afford I say.
Post # 13
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
Go the other way as in gift less because you had to spend more money for their fancier wedding? Hmm that’s an interesting perspective… I would say yes that’s okay if you just have so much money left over for a gift and that’s what it is. I say that because I’d rather someone spend money to attend my wedding and give me less of a gift than just not come at all because they cant afford it all. Bottom line give what you can afford and don’t feel bad.
Post # 14
Member
3441 posts
Sugar bee
Just do the frame and a nice card. That’s plenty generous IMO
Post # 15
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
Would it be nice to include a Starbucks gift card with the card, or just insulting/weird? I hadnt really planned on giving only the $80 and we both love Starbucks.