(Closed) How much would you give in this situation?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 77
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Nobody was telling you to not go because you couldn’t give an expensive gift, people were telling you not to go because you said that themtrip was going to he expensive and most important you guys are not closemtothe couple

 

just buy something off the registry, i’m sure theynhave items underm50 dollars

Post # 78
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Several people said that if they couldn’t afford the weekend plus a costly gift, they would decline and send a gift. If they can afford to go but can’t afford a large gift, why should they decline?

Post # 79
Member
3658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@musician32992:  and another thing (boy I am a posting fool on this thread1) if you DO decide not to go–which I’m sure that you won’t!–for heaven’s sake you are not obligated to send a gift.

A card with a handwritten greeting is always fine, the rest of it is for ettiquette faux-experts who use faux-rules to bully others about gift giving and gift grabbing and plate covering etc.

 

Post # 82
Member
7368 posts
Busy Beekeeper

$50 each is fair considering you spending so much on the hotel.

Post # 83
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I sincerely mean this.  I only sort of remember who gave and didnt give a gift at my wedding.  Having friends and family there to celebrate is what really mattered.  I would be heart broken to find out someone didn’t come because they didn’t feel like they could give a “big enough” gift. 

If you are going to get bent out of shape because someone didn’t “cover their plate” then you shouldn’t be having a party you can’t afford.  When people come over for a cook out, birthday party or housewarming, I don’t set out a box expecting folks to drop in cash to cover plates then.  Why should a wedding be different?

Post # 84
Member
1461 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

View original reply
@musician32992:  Personally, I give based on my closeness to the bride and/or groom (though the covering plate idea is valid too).  I gave $300 to my best friend to cover my SO and me.  From the bride’s POV, having a wedding isn’t and shouldn’t be about trying to get wedding gifts that cover the cost of each plate.  Which is why I think that aside from your SO’s family pressures, the couple would just be happy that you guys made it to the wedding. 

As for staying at the hotel, I think it’s rude that they pressured you to stay there (and for 2 nights) so they could fill their wedding block.  You have no obligation to book that hotel.  There’s nothing wrong with you guys staying at another, cheaper hotel to help cut costs.

You guys are fairly young but there will come a time when all your peers are getting married.  I’m at that stage and I’ve already been invited or have attended 4 weddings for the first half of the year.  You won’t be able to attend them all.  It’s ok if you can’t attend them all.

Lastly, you can’t assume it’s gift grabby to send money upon declining an invitation unless the couple specifically tells you to send a gift anyway (RUDE).  It’s not an obligation but it’s just an optional nice gesture if again, it’s someone close to you but you can’t attend their wedding for whatever reason.  A simple card saying thanks for the invitation and I wish you the best of luck in your marriage is enough too. 🙂

Post # 85
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@musician32992:  honestly, if I were in your position I could not afford to go to that wedding. Yes, it’s nice to support family. But when you are in school and unemployed, that’s a lot of money to scratch up for a cousin (unrelated to you).

Can you stay at a cheaper hotel in the area? Or limit it to one night– they can’t complain, it’s expensive!

Post # 87
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

View original reply
@musician32992:  but you don’t gift something to a couple because they spent money on you, you gift cause you wish to gift based on closeness, and whether you go or not doesn’t impact

Post # 88
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

In my area, $50 is considered generous, even for people who aren’t spending money on anything else.

 

 

 

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