(Closed) How my perfect wedding ended in tears and it still hurts more than a year after.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Nashville, TN

Actually I know how you feel. When my DH and I started dating he described me as “nice” to his best girl friend while on the the phone with me sitting next to him. It has still annoyed me 3 years later lol. 

Post # 17
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

This is just…odd. Not because you were miffed about his response on your wedding day. But because you are STILL harping on it and hanging it over his head. That’s ridiculous, bee. Let it go. Let it go. Can’t hold HIM back anymore. 

Post # 18
Member
9274 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I’m sorry but I am a little confused. If you eloped why was he giving a speech anyway? There was no one to give a speech to.

As for the other stuff, this is said in the nicest way possible, you need some professional help. Nice is a perfectly acceptable word to describe something you love. And if your husband is usually unable to express himself openly then the whole speech was probably an extremely tough thing to do and what did he get for putting himself out there like that? A bride in tears, acting like a child and forcing him to apologise to appease her. Way to start a marriage.

Sorry but I really feel for your husband. If anything his actions afterwards should have confirmed what he feels and thinks about you. But instead he gets what?

Post # 19
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

View original reply
MatrixDonna:  I’m really sorry about this dear. Im sorry that he didn’t give you the compliments you wanted to hear but somehow, someway you need to move past this for your own sanity. You said your man is not good at expressing himself. Maybe he thought he was paying you a compliment by saying you look nice. I’m guessing if he said nothing at all about you and your  dress you would be pissed too.  Please try to focus on the positives , you married and are still married to man that loves you, and the nice comment aside your wedding was “perfect”.

Post # 20
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I’ve honestly never been to a wedding where the groom stood up and told the entire crowd that the bride looked gorgeous or was the most beautiful bride in the world or anything of that nature.  What I have heard is the groom say that his bride is the most loving, caring, kind person in the world and that he’s happy/lucky to have her in his life.

You said yourself that your husband isn’t good at expressing himself.  What on earth were you then expecting?  He’s not all of a sudden going to become all gushy and romantic just because it’s your wedding day.

You really need to move on.  I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but your expectations were way too high.  If the favorite part of the wedding is the groom complimenting the bride (more favorite than your vows???) then I don’t know what to tell you.  That’s really sad.

Post # 22
Member
471 posts
Helper bee

So sorry you felt that way :\. I can just put myself in your shoes and I can see how that would be upsetting, I completely understand you, although if I go back to my point of view I wouldn’t personally have a problem with it if my SO was usually not very expressive I would not except anything different that day. This reminds me of a girl I was friends with, I forgot what country she was from but her and her family were very reserved, no PDA, and expressively quiet. To them, the word “pretty” meant much much more than “cute.” If she would show me a new outfit and I would say it’s “cute” she felt bad, but if I said it’s “pretty” to her that was like saying it’s absolutely stunning or amazingly gorgeous. They did not use a word “higher” than pretty, that one was the one with most value to express, so I’m not sure what they would have thought “nice” means. What I’m trying to say with that is that different people have different values for every word. I do not know your husband’s personality, but if he is usually not good at expressing himself, maybe to him “nice” has the same value as “gorgeous” would have to you? I think the value we hold on adjectives depends a lot on each individual and their background (ie. some children grow up in families that never say anything nice or don’t even give compliments). 

Maybe try making peace with the fact that he did describe you as you would have wanted him to, but with one single word and a word that is different than what you wuold choose BUT still has the absolute same value, you’re just looking at it from two completely different perspectives. 

 

My SO’s English is good, but not perfect. He also does not come from a very expressive family. I let a lot of things slide with him, but to me letting something slide by or go means to never bring it up to myself or him in the future, because that’s unfair. Like if you were the one that said he did not have to do much talked for the big speech or getting you a gift, you can’t later feel upset about him not talking enough or not stepping up to that because since he did not get a heads up of what is expected of him he does not have the opportunity to make anything better, it’s in the past. Whenever I find myself starting to feel upset about something in the past, I ask myself where there is anything that can happen NOW that would make it all better. If the answer is no, then it needs to rationally be let go of completely. If there’s a way to make it better, then I let SO know how. We can’t just dump these emotions on them and not give them instructions on how to help us feel better, they will feel cornered and helpless, and probably just end up ignoring us because if there’s nothing lef to do what’s the point of listening. 

 

btw is that you in the photo? I love it! The dress is absolutely gorgeous. Very similar to what I want for myself. Lace, a bow on the back, and some combination of a lace design and see-through material for the back, chest, or arms. 

Post # 24
Member
9258 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
MatrixDonna:  This is not normal. To end your wedding in tears over this was an over-reaction at that time, but since you were probably stressed, it’s somewhat understandable. To be hanging onto it a year later, to the point of needing to talk to anonymous strangers on the internet about it, is an unhealthy obsession. It’s nice that so many people on here are being sympathetic, but to me that’s enabling. Your expectation was unrealistic, your reaction was extreme, and now this obsession is bizarre. I second the PPs who have suggested therapy. Very sincerely, not mean or snarky at all. This isn’t normal or healthy.

Post # 25
Member
11360 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Is there something else going on that has made this the straw that broke the camel’s back? Because I get being sad for a few days over this but two years is a long time. A long time. 

I hope writing about it is cathartic and helps you release your hurt. 

Post # 26
Member
3772 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

View original reply
MatrixDonna:  So you had a small, intimate wedding. With 3 guests. Still not sure why there was a need for speeches to be made, but I digress. 

You gotta let this go, sister. Give your poor husband a break!

Post # 28
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I feel for you woman.

 

But it’s time to let it go now.

 

I actually know what I’m talking about too. We eloped too and after 3 hours with my MUA, flower crown on my head, dress on, jewelry glittering and shawl in hand, my husband picked me up so we could go get married. And he walked up to me in the hotel lobby cool as a cucumber and said “you ready? The valet is waiting.” Mind you when I walked into the elevator to get down to the lobby I ran into an old man who asked me to run away with him, then a couple in the lobby told me I looked gorgeous and congratulated me, then a crowd of teenage girls audibly gasped when I walked by. But at that moment the love of my life was more concerned about the valet holding our car for us at the entrance.

I’m rolling my eyes now, but at the time I was gutted. Did I choose the wrong dress? But I loved it! Did the MUA go overboard? Soooo I took a deep breath and took a page outta @BothCoasts book. We got into the car and I turned to him and said “my love you have about 30 seconds to gush appropriately over how I look and stop worrying about other people and focus on me!” Balls deep romance, she called it? Adulting I say. To-may-toe v to-mah-to.

To his credit he turned to face me and told me I looked more beautiful than he’d ever seen me before and his step had faltered when he saw me, he was just worried about getting outta the hotel and to our ceremony on time. Sooooo, I let it go. We were nervous. He was nervous. I laugh and cry when I’m nervous. He gets all stoic. Your husband is bad at public speaking. Stop holding it against him. 

Oh and 2.5 years later IDGAF anymore. He’s the best husband ever! Makes me bkfast everyday, holds my hand everywhere, holds me when I go to sleep and lets me wiggle away when I actually want to sleep. If I tell him a story and he doesn’t react how I wanted him to react I say “I need more sympathy than that!” playfully and he, also playfully, gushes sympathy until we both laugh… I could go on and on. 

Post # 30
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I kind of get this. I think it seems from this whole idea about our wedding day being the ‘happiest’ and ‘most important’ day of our lives. We have this notion that it needs to be perfect so it’s understandable that we think about it after if it didn’t work out to be that way.

I posted up here after my wedding day because so much went wrong and I posted saying that although it went wrong I didn’t care because it was amazing and i got  married. The thing is that writing that was almost a way of me telling myself that it didn’t bother me and sometimes it really doesn’t but sometimes I think back and think, ‘I wish I’d done this differently or made sure of that…’. On our day the priest was almost an hour late then proceeded to give the longest sermon known to man so our guests were sitting in the church for over 2 and a half hours! This had a knock on effect on everything else, my hair is a mess in photos because we cleverly took an open topped car to the reception and because we were so over-schedule I didn’t even stop to check my hair or make up and no one told me to fix it until after photos when one of my friends took me into the toilet to fix myself. Because of running over, dinner then also ran over and so we didn’t have much time for the ‘party’ part of the reception after dinner so everyone missed out on our amazing band. We also missed out on photos with key people because we were in such a rush to make up for lost time so we don’t have photos with key family members or the groomsmen. Sometimes this gets to me but when it does what helps me feel better about it all is looking back at my wedding photos. Sometimes we focus on the little things that weren’t what we wanted that we forget about everything else that was perfect. When I look at my photos it helps to remind me of all the other bits that meant so much more, how happy my husband looked while I was walking up the aisle to him, the people who were there who mean so much to us.

I don’t know if something like that could help for you? Finding your way of remembering all the other parts of the day that mean more than one comment that your husband made.

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