(Closed) How my perfect wedding ended in tears and it still hurts more than a year after.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 123
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

MatrixDonna:  totally get it !! My ex husband’s Word was “fine”   I said to him on our wedding day how do I look, he’s not great with his words unless he’s being mean, he said “you look fine” internally I thought fine bloody fine. It stuck with me all my marriage, I hate the word fine.  He is now a ex husband our marriage was far from fine.  And now it’s mine and my daughter’s safe word.  If I phone her and she says she is fine…. I go pick her up immediately.  My fiancé knows if I say fine…. It is far from OK.  He also made a promise to not use that word to ever describe me, bless him, I love the fact he thought about it and came up with the promise, he is really great.

for your future, it’s done, it’s said, now let it be over, he sounds like a great guy who truly loves you, embrace him. 

Post # 124
Member
1411 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Hi! I came late to this thread but wanted to add my view.

I skimmed the comments and as this is the internet of course some were funny (the one that just said ‘nice’ – I mean, that’s hard to resist as a joke!), some were sympathetic, a few were a bit nasty (saying you were fishing for compliments- maybe you were a bit with that beautiful photo but the photo did its job- it showed all the bees that you did look amazing and that you clearly put in effort to impress your husband) but the majority seem to be suggesting you have huge issues, need therapy, body dysmophia, self esteem issues, need to see your doctor etc. I totally disagree. Maybe being 40 ( a lot older than most bees here) and not American, I don’t see the need to send someone off for therapy and nursing every time they get a bit upset or pissed off! There is nothing in any of your posts to suggest you need that and it’s just totally unhelpful to you.

At the end of the day, you asked your husband beforehand to try and say a few nice personal words about you and he failed to be arsed to do that. It wasn’t asking much and I think we tend to excuse men too much for forgetting birthdays, not putting in effort, as if they are too stupid and naturally careless to be expected to try to be kind and/or go out of their way. He messed up. It was categorically not your fault for being mentally ill as being implied here by people who don’t know you and can’t imagine being that upset themselves over this particular issue!   You have been really clear that you felt bad that you cried and made a big deal of it. You sound really nice and reasonable to be honest. He’s not a bad guy, as you say, but on this occasion he ws inconsiderate and it happened exactly when it shoudl not have done. I would also be upset if I were in your shoes. And I don’t have body esteem issues or any such dramas, I just would feel annoyed and let down. And I’d remain upset inside for a long time. Simple as that.

Glad you’re feeling happier now. Your marriage sounds fine. People are complex. Not all men are perfect. Not all women are perfect. You make the best of the best you can find. That is life. And you’re allowed to be upset.

 

 

 

 

Post # 125
Member
209 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Awww so sorry you’ve been hung up on this for so long. There were a number of things that went wrong in my wedding too but in the grand scheme of things it was amazing, and I chose not to let those issues taint my memory of my wedding. You need to let it go too. Would you really want your memory of your wedding be ruined just because of the word NICE? 

Post # 126
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

My husband does not do emotions at all he’s aspergic and doesn’t process emotions in the same way as other people. At the end of our wedding day when I finally had a chance to speak to him alone and said did you like my dress (fishing for a compliment) he said yeah it’s nice. I’d actually changed my dress and showed him the other one and he said eww you look like a weird mermaid. Did it ruin the day? No because at least he tried. To him nice is a complimentary word! Some men sprout that their wife’s are the most beautiful amazing women on the world and some say oh you look nice. It doesn’t mean either loves theirs more. 

Post # 127
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

MatrixDonna:  Oh honey, I would kill to have had even an almost perfect wedding, where things went off without a hitch. I was lucky to have people help me with damage control at the very last moment. I had so many things go wrong on my wedding day; it’s comical. Here is the thread, where you can read (other bees have also commented) and hope it cheers you up:

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/things-that-went-wrong-on-your-wedding-day/

Hm, to come to think of it, my Darling Husband never commented on how I looked, but his facial reaction said everything. The day kind of went by really fast as we wanted to make sure we interacted with our guests properly. The only time we took with each other were pre-ceremony photos.

Sometimes, men aren’t great with verbal adjectives, lol…

It might help to relive Wedding Day with your husband and laugh/cry about things. When our first wedding anniversary rolled around, it was fun to look through pictures (or recall from memory) and talk about both the good & bad. At the very least, it made for a memorable wedding. Everyone had fun. My husband still feels bad about being barely on time for our tea ceremony… but that’s what he’d get for taking an unknown route back to the venue from town.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  Cynderbug.
Post # 128
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

MatrixDonna:  I did get many apologies.

And its a very complicated situation. My husband got a new job that turned out to be a very toxic environment 3 months before the wedding. He started focusing more on that and didnt really pay much attention to our wedding and that was hurtful. I kept saying its just a job, youre new there, just give it a chance. Lets focus on our wedding right now because thats whats important. He couldnt.

After the wedding I had a complete breakdown, was suicidal and completely depressed about how everyone abandonned me. He took very good care of me and helped me get through it. His family became difficult and huertful throughout the engagement year and got worse after the wedding. I was nervous baout going to visit them for xmas and things actually went great until we were about to leave and his parents made some extremely xenophobic comments about me to my husband.

They basically said ‘she’s too different, its too difficult’ referring to the fact that I am Jewish. I was heartbroken again. I tried so hard to get these people to like me and did so much for them and to know they never woul dlike me solely because of my religion completely devastated me. My hubsnad felt in between myself nad his family, things got worse for him at work and i was having a hard time again. In March (a year since starting that job) he went on stress leve from work, started drinking uncontrollably and said he wanted a separation. Basically he just can’t cope with feelings. He can’t express his and doesnt know how to deal with the feelings of others and it just builds up and stress causes him physical pain.

So now he is moving out 2moro.

How are you and your husband doing?

A year later (this past

Post # 134
Member
2075 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - British Columbia

MatrixDonna:  There will be many more cherishable memories to come — that’s the most exciting part! Am glad that you are feeling better. I don’t like the word ‘nice’ too — my mom’s a serious offender, but I can’t be too hard on her since English isn’t her first language, lol.

Post # 135
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

MatrixDonna:  Im glad you have found your peace!

I feel like i have too and am ready to accept things the way they are and move forward (also with a lack of intimacy but with the hope of rebuilding it) at this point htough my husband wants to leave for 5 weeks to clear his head. Hes not ready to get past it and theres nothing i can do about that. In life there will be hardships and i dont know if I will be able to trust him again after this. He cant just run away every time things get hard.

I hop eeverything works out for you!

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