(Closed) How normal is it to not buy or receive gifts from in-laws on Xmas?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1142 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Well personally, as a couple our gifts are given jointly. As in; Fiance and I don’t each get my mom a gift, we get a single gift and say it is from both of us.

 

Maybe your SO is under this impression as well? Have you talked to him?

 

edit: As far as his sister goes, you can’t get upset because she doesn’t get you a gift. You dont know what her finances are like. Maybe she doesn’t want to gift you a big gift until you and your SO are engaged or married. I never gave my siblings SOs anything until my sister was engaged. Just don’t get her anything, except a card, and don’t take it personally.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  Unfathomably.
Post # 3
Member
7417 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think you’re being overly sensitive. Gift-giving styles are often something we learn as children, and since you and your SO didn’t grow up in the same environment, it’s not surprising that you each have your own way of doing things. You will probably be happier if you stop looking at what gifts other people are giving you in comparison to others on their lists, and talk to your SO about how the different ways you as a couple can approach gift-giving, and find something that works for you.

Post # 4
Member
9752 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

Yeah I agree with PP, after a certain point gifts are a joint thing. I also do more of the gift researching and shopping than Fiance because frankly I like it a hell of a lot more than he does.

However, if you two do separate gifts still, and his family gets a gift from each of you and your family only gets a gift from you and not him, that is completely unfair. I would ask him to buy something for your family, or stop giving his family gifts.

As for the gift from the sister, do not bring it up or address it, she may not consider you a part of the family yet.

Post # 5
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

We give our gifts jointly as well. We buy one big gift each for his parents and sister and sign from both of us, and do the same for my family. 

Post # 5
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Ranch

I understand what you mean, but I do think you are being just a bit too sensitive. my husband and I have been together for 11 years in February and I didn’t buy anything for his family and he didn’t buy anything for my family until we moved in together last year. I think it’s a bit much to expect your partner to buy your family gifts, unless you are married. Even like that, I don’t think it should be EXPECTED, but would be nice. His mom (before she passed away) and his dad have gotten things for me in the past just because they care for me and I am involved in their lives and help them as much as I could, but I never bought them gifts. 

I think that when we do nice things for others, we expect it in return. However, we need to remember that we chose to buy those gifts out of the goodness of our heart, not because we want something in return. Would it be nice if they thought like you? Sure. But not all families are the same. Don’t let it get to you. 

Post # 8
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Ranch

I don’t think you should bring the gift part up. If you feel that more attention goes to his family or like he makes your family less, then yes. In your shoes, I would speak to him about it in a nice conversation. Maybe he hasn’t noticed he’s doing it.  But, again, I definitely wouldn’t ask why he doesn’t give your family gifts or why his family doesn’t buy you any. 

Post # 9
Member
7417 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Jacqui90:  “However, if you two do separate gifts still, and his family gets a gift from each of you and your family only gets a gift from you and not him, that is completely unfair. I would ask him to buy something for your family, or stop giving his family gifts.”

Ummm,  sorry, no.  Gifts are not tit-for-tat and they’re to be given because the giver WANTS to, not because someone is making them. It would be fine for the OP to say “it hurts my mother’s feelings to not get a gift from you.”. It would also be fine for the OP to just add her SO’s name to the gift she is giving her family members. What is not fine is her saying “well since you didn’t get my father a gift, I’m not going to get your father a gift.” That is petty, childish, and not at all in the spirit of gift-giving. That makes gift-giving a chore and an obligation.

Post # 10
Member
3224 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Mlim: There are many ways to bond with people and treat them kindly/”like family” other than buying gifts. His “love language” may not include gift giving and so he doesn’t see the importance of it like you do. I think it would help to put your relationship into context – you say boyfriend so I assume you’re not engaged. How old are you and how long have you been together? Do you live together? our first Christmas together my S/O and I did not buy each other’s parents’ gifts, although we did do Christmas together at each set of families and our parents bought us each something. The second Christmas together (last year) I gave his parents and my parents something and he gave my parents and his something. This year, we are engaged and will be giving each set of parents something from the both of us, so our gift giving has evolved a bit. 

Post # 11
Member
7417 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

FWIW the key is finding your own approach and boundaries as a couple. My Fi and I have been together for 6 years and it took us a few years to get in sync on gifts, and our style will probably continue to evolve over time. For the most part, we each buy for our “side” and puts both our names on the gifts, but he also buys specifically for my sister, as they have become very close friends. We plan some of the gifts together and some independently. Really depends on the circumstances and the recipient. Like he’s crazy about his little nephews and loves choosing things for them, so I don’t fuss over those gifts, but he has one teenage niece and I usually choose her gift even if he’s paying. 

Post # 14
Member
6023 posts
Bee Keeper

Darling Husband and I do a mixed bag sort of gift giving, too. Generally, gifts to his family and to my family are from all of us (DH, Dear Daughter, and me). We shop for most of them together. I’ve been part of DH’s life for about 24 years (married 16), and I’ve gotten a gift from his family one time. It was a sweater that didn’t fit … and I couldn’t return because, apparently, his mom had had it sitting around for a long time in her house. (Not like she purchased it early especially for me. More like it was sitting around on a pile of clothes somewhere in her house.)

Post # 15
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

When we were engaged I bought presents for his family (parents and sister) and he bought for my parents. Now we are married I buy presents for my family, he buys for his but they are from both of us. The only present that we buy jointly is for his cousin/goddaughter because she is a toddler and I like choosing those gifts!

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