(Closed) How \'normal\' is this cycle of arguing over childcare?

posted 4 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I think this is just the way it is now. I’ve spoken to a lot of friends and they all feel frustrated that they do more than their husband even though they’re also working. i guess it’s because just a couple generations ago women generally stayed home. hopefully the next generation will have a higher expectation of men helping out when the mother works too.

maybe you guys are due for a date night also? It’s so easy to get pre occupied with work, kids, extra curricular and forget about the two of you. You need those date nights to reconnect – and don’t talk about work or kids!

I always start an argument with using words like us we. When you sart using words like you and I, it comes across as aggressive. I started my “discussions” like this with Fiance and I find it more effective where he listens to me instead of feeling attacked.

Post # 3
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Sunshine09:  I think it’s pretty normal, which leads me to wonder how/why people ever decide to have a 2nd child when it seems like it’s rare to find a husband who splits childcare duties 50/50 and more often than not, the working mom takes on so much responsibility and can sometimes become resentful of it.

I know I’m in a similar position as you, but I’ve basically given up on expecting my husband to help and am grateful anytime he does. However, we had many conversation before we had kids that I would be the primary caretaker because he was “tapped out” with work and personal commitments and couldn’t take on any more responsiblities, so I know that I brought a lot of it on myself and it helps me from becoming too resentful. Drained, yes, resentful, no.

This is why we are pretty sure we’re 1 and done. I don’t have enough time or energy to split between another child, and he has already confirmed that he will not be any more help with #2 as he is with #1, so I think we’re all set.

Post # 4
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t have kids, but I don’t think this has to be normal. Letting things build until you blow up is draining, and causes resentment. I think you could approach it the same way any other issue should be dealt with. Why, and when does he start slacking? Can you divy up responsibilities differently? Do you need to put up something of a ‘visual reminder’ of your agreement, like a contract (this can be framed in a fun way, of course)? Are there things he is uncomfortable with regarding childcare that he hasn’t expressed to you? Does he actually think that what you agree to is fair? What would be fair to him? What would his ideal be, and what would yours be? Why does it get past the second part, why does it continue to escalate? Do you need to stick to a regimen like “Mondays and Wednesdays I do X and Y, and you do Z” so there is no confusion? Does he think that he can continue living life the way he did before you had kids? Maybe you need a bit of a getaway to reconnect?

Post # 5
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

You can make a list of the childcare tasks and divide them up. Perhaps he always bathes the child and puts them to bed for example. Don’t leave it open ended- outline specific tasks that you each are responsible for. In my experience, men don’t look around and see what might need to be done. But if we agree that something is on my husband’s “to do” list- then it doesn’t get overlooked as easily.

Post # 6
Member
6240 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

It seems to me that a huge problem here is the way things are phrased. You say that he needs to “help you” more, and then you give him ways to do that. When he stops doing them, in his mind he can see it as stopping doing extra work, and not failing to do what he personally needs to do. Try assigning certain tasks to him personally, that you will never do.

Post # 7
Member
11744 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

That thankfully is not my experience. Almost everything we do is split 50/50 and I have really never had to tell my husband to step up and help. pretty much when we are both home we are both with our daughter To the point if I go to change a diaper he comes with me. He wants 4 kids so he is probably trying to butter me up! 😉 we worth really well as a team though and do our best to read each other and know when one is tired or low on patience and the other steps up to help. Open communication before it gets to the point of resentment is key!

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