Post # 1
Random question bees. I know there is no “normal” amount of intimacy, but FI and I have been dating over a year and a half. We used to be intimate 5-6 times a week. Obviously that number has gone down over time. We went through a bit of a dry spell and I noticed that during our dry spell we weren’t as close outside of the bedroom. After doing some reading, I found a study that said the “happy place” for most couples is about 2x a week. So now I make a point to not go 3 days without. Most of the time this is easy, but every once in a while I’m just tired or moody one week and don’t feel like sex. During these weeks, I make a point to initiate every 3rd night even if I’m tired. FI always responds well and once I make myself initiate, I enjoy it too. What I’ve come to realize is that most of the time when this happens, it’s not that I dont want sex, it’s just that I’ve had an off day and I actually feel much better after sex, just got to force my lazy butt to initiate sometimes. We both initiate pretty evenly overall and now we don’t have dry spells and I can see an improvement in our closeness outside the bedroom too. So while it might not sound super romantic to stick to a system, it’s really helped. Also most of the time we stick to about 2-3 times a week without me forcing myself to initiate, that’s really just an every once in a while thing.
My question is, how often do you & your SO have sex & do you think a lull affects the relationship outside the bedroom?
Obviously other factors (like children or working opposite shifts) impact this subject a lot. I’m just curious of what works for others.
Post # 2
Like 1/2 a month. We have a baby and I’m preggers but apart from all that we have been together 10 years. The spark has gone I feel and it’s proving difficult to get back. He’s attractive but put on weight in places that are not flattering whereas I’ve always been quite small. I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t always fancy him and this has lead to numerous heart to hearts about our future. I love him to death but question whether I’m in love with him. Sigh.
I’ve not answered anything but I’ve scratched an itch by venting here.
Post # 3
2-3 times is our average. He is in a very intense, time consuming PhD program right now though so some weeks he’s just too busy/stressed out. When we have a lull I don’t really think it affects the rest of our relationship. We are good at communicating our needs so if one of us feels it’s been too long since we’ve had sex we bring it up and we both make an effort to do better.
Post # 4
During the week we often work late and go to the gym and FI is writing a research paper + wedding planning so things decline fast and we have sex only like one weeknight.
BUT ON WEEKENDS it can be 3 times a day so our weekly average is still great lol.
Being tired/not having time are huge factors for us both and the stressful lives we lead contribute to lower libido during the week.
It is what it is.
Post # 5
I think 1/2 a month is really common with small children from what I’ve heard. You know way more than me that with children it’s hard to find time for your own sanity, much less for each other. My brother & SIL went through something really similar when they had kids. The spark can return, sometimes it just goes out for a little while when more pressing things start to demand your time, like your baby and your baby on the way. But if you can make it through those first few years with your babies, you can find more time to put toward each other. I have faith that if you can admit these things to yourself then you and your SO will come out of it stronger. Just gotta stay positive on those days it feels hard!
Post # 6
At the beginning, we dated long distance so when we saw each other, it was all we did 😉
Then we moved in together and it definitely slowed down to 2-3 times a week. Around the 6-7 year mark it slowed down more than either of us realized to about once a month. We did some reflecting and saw we weren’t as connected outside the bedroom either: neglecting date night, phones always out, not cuddling on the couch.
We both made more of an effort in all the areas listed and have made so many improvements to get back to that closeness. Although we aren’t on a schedule, we tend to stick to the weekends with our crazy work hours.
I definitely see the correlation between the two.
Post # 7
Once a week usually, although during busy times sometimes we will go a few weeks without. I am intending to make it more of a priority since I do think intimacy is very important in keeping a relationship on the right track.
Post # 8
Yea I know that there are always outside factors that can affect this. When FI started his new job, it was really training intensive at first & that’s when our lull happened. I think the combo of a non existent sex life, how tired he was, and how much more he was working than we were used to is what made us feel disconnected.
Post # 9
I’d say 3 times a week to multiple times a day (unless one of us is sick, super busy, etc). We’re very attracted to one another and physically close. We tend to hug, kiss & cuddle pretty frequently too. I lay on his chest to fall asleep pretty much every night. Intimacy is pretty important to us. We both work 55-60 hours a week and take care of 4 kids so that’s our way to stay close and unwind.
Post # 10
teacher-bee-in-the-sea : It seemed so crazy at first to try to make a schedule, even in my head, but it really helped us get back on track and now it’s just something I kind of pay attention to in order to keep it prioritized. Funny enough, more date nights and cuddling just naturally happened after we reprioritized.
Post # 11
We usually have sex 2 times/week, although sometimes only once or sometimes 3 times. We have 2 little kids, and DH works 12 hour night shifts, so those are our variables.
Post # 12
kharpe6 : average is 2 times a week. So 6-7 times a month cause we dont do it on my period week. Some weeks we go 3, some 1, but most of the time it’s 2.
ETA, been living together almost 5 years. We have somewhat different schedules right now too. He has a lower sex drive than me. He can go a a week or 2 and not even notice. If i dont get it 1-2 times a week I go crazy.
Post # 13
- Wedding: San Francisco City Hall
Interestingly enough I find when FI and I make an effort to be more affectionate outside of the bedroom it increases our intimacy in the bedroom. Kind of opposite of what you observed in your relationship. With that being said sex is a real difficult area in our relationship that we are working on and frequency varies. I think sex 1 to 2 times a week would be ideal.
Post # 14
j9marie : I think it’s probably more normal for sex to follow being intimate outside the bedroom. We have 4 roommates (2 couples), so our house is always full of friends and I think this makes it easier for us to neglect cuddling while watching a movie or remembering to do date nights. We very often end up just spending time with friends. But when we feel physically closer, we tend to plan more things without the roommates or friends.
Post # 15
We’ve been together for nearly 7 years and living together for about 6 years. We probably average twice a week. However, we seem to go through spurts so it might be that we have sex three times in a weekend and then don’t have sex again until the weekend after. Sex does usually fall on a weekend.
I think that rather than a lull in sex affecting our relationship generally, I think our relationship generally affects our sex life. So we find ourselves in a lull when we haven’t had a date for a while and if we’re both tired, that tends to lead to both of us not really being in the mood. So if we’re feeling we haven’t had sex for a while then inevitably we find we need to spend more time together and it sorts itself out.