Post # 1
Trying to decide if I’m a jerk or not. I feel like I’m in a bit of a different life phase than a few of my friends and it’s causing us to grow apart.
As a background, I am 26, married with a stepdaughter, have a full time corporate job, and am studying for a professional certification. My best friend is the same age, also married and works part time for a family business. We have been friends since we were kids.
Growing up and through high school and college, we used to hang out every Friday night for hours. That continued into adulthood and then my priorities started to shift with my new little family and demanding job. I’m not really interested in going out or drinking wine and watching movies till midnight. I kind of want my Friday nights to myself once in a while…
My friend seems to think I am “pulling away” and always suggests that we move to another day the same week. I love her and still want to see her, just… less frequently. Every other week? Maybe a couple hours for lunch or a cocktail instead of all night?
I value my friendship and our time together but I’m trying to set some boundaries to take care of my other responsibilities and give my introverted self some time to recharge. I have attempted to express this without offending her, but it’s not really getting through.
So, be honest with me. Am I being inconsiderate? Is this a normal part of growing up? What would be a good resolution?
Post # 2
- Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey
Hehe sorry but I kind of chuckled at the thought of Gilmore Girl’s Friday nights dinner vibe. 😁
I’m surprised that you guys still try to keep it up after all those years, just talk about it and say your concerns. I’m sure there would be a middle ground.
I basically barely even see my friends, everybody lives across the country, but I’m hoping to catch up with more of them once we move to another city next week where some of my friends still live.
Post # 3
- Wedding: December 1969 - Montsalvat, Victoria
Bee I am right there with you. Lol when I read this I thought I was writing it myself. I’m 26 this year, married and work in financial services. Darling Husband is a lawyer and also has a demanding job. At least 2-3 nights a week we’re in the office until 9-10pm. Oh and we’ve got a baby due in June. I’ve come to realise that friends might not understand your shift in responsibilities and priorities and that’s ok. But they should be able to respect your wishes and just enjoy the time you do spend together. In general, I see good friends MAYBE once a month for a group dinner (usually more like once a quarter these days). It’s rare that we’re all on the same schedule or have the same day free – some of my closest friends are also in corporate lines of work and quite a few are doctors so they work crazy hours aswell. I only had one friend who had a real issue with catching up less frequently and the reality is we have different life paths at the moment. I had dinner with a girlfriend last night (I hadn’t seen her literally since my wedding which was 5-6 months ago) and she told me to Google situational friendships. It was a really interesting read. My point is what your going through is totally normal! Darling Husband and I are at a point of change in our lives and embracing it. Real friends get on board with that.
Post # 4
It really depends how busy you are. Maybe you can see her still once a week but make it shorter. For example this week, it’s a quick coffee. Then next week, meet for yourl Friday night dinner. Then keep on repeating the same pattern. me personally, I see my best friend once to twice per week. She doesn’t have kids so maybe she’s got more free time. She lives about 25 minutes away from me. Usually, I see her in one of these situations:
occasional Friday nights when we go out with our other girlfriends for dinner (there’s like 7 of us in the group and this happens probably every other month).
On a random weekday after work, we might meet for an hour at Starbucks just to talk
At house parties of our other friends which happens quite regularly (our friends have many kids all together so lots of birthdays and other celebrations).
If we have not seen each other yet the whole week, we would meet on that Sunday for either brunch or go to the mall together then have lunch.
The other girls, I see them more like once per month.
Post # 5
I don’t think you are being unreasonable!!!! My best friend and I met in highschool when we became adults we moved in together, and lived together of over 11 years!!!!! since then we have both gotten married and live in our own places, and we went from living together and seeing each other every day to seeing each other once a month or sometimes every other month (depending how busy we are), and depending on the month we may see each other more… we still text a few times a week, and our friendship hasn’t changed… we just have a lot of adulting to do!
Other friends it just kinda depends whats going on! luckily my best friend and I have most of the same friends since we’ve been friends for so long (18 years) so when someone hosts we always see each other then as well
Then of course I have separate friends that I have absorbed being married and we see them whenever works best and even some of them have mixed in with my friends.
When you get older it happens, you get your own life.. it’s not just about you and your friends anymore, and hopefully your best friend will realize that!
Post # 6
I’m still super close to my girlfriends from middle school/high school and we would see each other much more but we live 1.5 hours away.
Most of my close friends are either married with no kids or completely single (we are all early 30’s) and we still enjoy doing the sames things, such as going out on the weekends, having wine nights in, weekend get aways, etc. We have a ton of fun together so we make hanging out a priority- I would say at least once per month. There are a couple girls that I see more than that, sometimes I wont see them for a month at a time, it depends onwhat we all have going on since we do live a waze from each other and still have other friend groups to make time for.
As far as our other friends go, like my husbands friends, we probably hang out with them 1-2x a month, but again just depends on our schedules. We just went to a sporting event with them this weekend but because of upcoming plans probably won’t see those friends for another month or so.
It doesn’t really sound like you and your friend have a ton in common anymore or have the same idea of a fun time so I understand why you wouldn’t prioritize spending time with her. People change and grow apart, especially when marriage and children come in to play.
Post # 7
I’d love to see my bestie… it’s been almost three years because I moved 2000 miles away and had two kids I’m not willing to fly or drive that far with yet. But even if I lived close I’m not sure a weekly visit would happen anymore unless it was a play date. I don’t have the time! I would think every other week and doing a different type of activity would be fine. It’s only pulling away if you’re actively avoiding her or unwilling to chat about life. Maybe you can wean her off more slowly or just share that you are busy and need downtime alone sometimes. She’s your best friend, you should be able to tell her anything.
Post # 8
I used to see my friends at least once a week. That started dwindling to more like every other week when I moved in with my now-husband and lived further away. Now I have a one year old and another baby on the way and its about once/month for my best friend and less for other friends.
Post # 9
- Wedding: October 2020 - Concord, Ontario
I don’t see any of my friends alone, my fiancée and I go out with friends every two weeks once with my friends and once with her friends
Post # 10
I have a demanding job and was studying for a professional license for awhile but no kids so take what I have to say with a grain of salt…
We see our friends 2-3 times a week most weeks. We all have fairly demanding jobs and a gym schedule to keep but no kids so we grab dinner or drinks a couple nights a week and typically get together at some point over the weekend. That being said, if one of them wanted to do every other week due to life changes, we would all understand.
Does your friend have other friends? Not every hangout needs to be a super late night affair. I think lunch is a good idea. Set it up so there is an end time. Maybe once a month if you have time you could do a later movie night. You are not being inconsiderate by wanting alone/family time. To be honest, it sounds like she needs to pick up a hobby or more hours at work but I don’t think there is really a good way to say that.
Post # 11
Growing up, I’d hang out with my friends almost every weekend and often during the week. I’m in my 30s now and I only see them every few months or so. Having a full time job really exhausts me and I just want to be home after work. I spend my weekends with my fiancé (when he has them off) because we work opposite schedules so barely have any time together. I still talk to my friends every day, but I’m honestly just too tired to hang out like we used to. I do have a ton of fun when we see each other though.
Post # 12
I live in the same city as my close friend and I see her once a month. We’re both in our 30’s and BUSY, so we both understand that seeing each other every week or even every other week is unrealistic.
Post # 13
I’m lucky to see my friends once every few months but to be fair we are spread out all over the state. We do try to make it a point to do things together and travel to visit. And I text with my bff every day and have group chats with everyone else.
Post # 14
I totally feel you bee! I used to see my best friend almost every single Friday night, we would go out all night, partying and dancing and having the time of our lives. But then she got pregnant, i got engaged, etc. and we are 28 now and neither of us want to go out all night anymore. We only see eachother once a month or so now, but we talk all the time.
Honestly, i feel like this is a part of growing up and true friends understand that even though you dont see eachother as often as you once did, things pick up where the left off when you do see them again. I don’t think you are being unreasonable one bit.
I am in the midst of wedding planning, have a puppy, and when i’m not busy i go visit with my parents, especially my mom who is my best friend. I would rather be with my puppy and my mom these days than go out and party with my friends, as terrible as that sounds. Ahhhh getting old
Post # 15
It’s totally normal and understandable to not want to hang out every Friday night all night now that you’re a busy adult. Just invite her to do something else that works for both of you… lunch, brunch, dinner, coffee, whatever. There’s plenty of things to do and adult friendships really are about quality over quantity as far as the time you’re able to spend together.