How often do you see your friends?

posted 1 year ago in 20 Something
Post # 16
Member
14135 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I think she’s being overly demanding, insecure, and immature. Life can change when you have a family and responsibilities. It doesn’t mean you care less. I wouldn’t appreciate her accusations and being put under that kind of pressure. There’s nothing wrong with your priorities. 

Post # 17
Member
1511 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not sure either of you is bringing unreasonable. Maybe she is depending if she complains about it. Of course you don’t have to meet up every Friday night and stay our till midnight but I dont think its unreaksnble to want to see best friend once  a week. It just seems that you have different priorities and interests and that is totally fine. There are room for  a compromise with both if you being happy.

That being said, me and my friend have a standing Thursday date night. That’s when we excercise together. And I really enjoy having a standing date night with her. The other friends I see whenever it is convenient.

Post # 18
Member
7084 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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smdeco :  I would just be straight up with her since you’re trying to be gentle, but it’s not working.  Just let her know you’re exhausted and you just need some time at home.  Ask her for a standing Friday night get-together every month or every other week, and let her know she can still call or text.

This is perfectly normal.  Honestly, I’ve moved around a lot in my adult life and I’ve had trouble making friends since I moved to my current location.  The friends I made early here didn’t understand why I didn’t have time once I started dating my now-husband who has a son.  I would get comments like, “Let him watch your stepson for a night.”  They didn’t understand that I actually *wanted* to spend time with my stepson.  Those friendships, unfortunately, didn’t last long. However, the friends I do make now are just as busy as me.  We stay in contact via texting/Facebook messenger, but we only see each other once every month or two… typically with our kids in tow.

Post # 19
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

I think you should just explain how you are feeling to your friend, I am sure she understands! She is probably just thinking you’re pulling away becasue she doesn’t know WHY you are seeing her less. I bet a conversation will clear it up and make both of you feel better.

None of my friends are in the same friend-group, so I see them separately. The ones with kids I see less often, probably about once every 3-4 ish months. The ones without kids I probably see at least once a month. That being said, most of my friends are 45+ minutes away from me, so can be hard to coordinate if I am busy.

Post # 20
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee

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smdeco :  It’s completely normal. I used to go to clubs and raves every weekend, and I think I grew tired of it just before 30. I have coworkers my age (40s) who still hang at bars until 2 am. They invite me often, and I explain those days are long behind me. I probably seem boring to them, but I can’t imagine spending half of my precious weekend recovering from staying out all night. I’ve long since moved on from my crazy fun 20s. 

Tell your friend you’re simply too exhausted by the end of the week, and you look forward to going home, and relaxing with your family. Offer to meet for an hour after work (during the week) for a drink, instead, but don’t feel obligated to meet her every week. If you meet during the week, you can use the excuse you can’t stay long because you work the next day. Meeting once or twice a month is plenty to catch up. Eventually she’ll get the hint, and will (hopefully) stop asking about Fridays. 

Post # 21
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee

Used to hang out daily but now about once or twice every 3 months. We text daily though.

Post # 22
Member
6952 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

So I’m trying to remember my life back when I was 26…ugh that was a decade ago. 

My life at 26 was very different than yours. I didn’t have a demanding job. I didn’t have a husband. Heck, I didn’t even have a boyfriend back then! My friends and I were very much living the fun, single life. And we were basically all on the same page so it was really nice. So yes, when I was 26 I did hang out with my friends at least once a week, usually weekends. But it’s not like it was taking time away from anything or anyone else. 

Now that I’m 36 though, things have changed immensely! I have a husband and a toddler and I live in the suburbs. Most of my friends lives have changed in the exact same way as well so we’re honestly lucky to have a girls’ get together once a month. Seriously. In fact there’s an email going around with 4 of us right now trying to find the next time we can all do dinner or brunch and the next available date is March 21st. My bestie and I have sons around the same age so we see each other a lot more often for play dates and whatnot, but hanging out just the two of us? That basically never happens anymore. 

It essentially sounds like you’re at a different stage in life than your friend right now. And there’s nothing wrong with where she’s at either, it’s just a bit of a disconnect. The fact of the matter is that you have a family now and you just can’t hang out with her like you used to anymore. I think a PP’s suggestion was a good one of instead of trying to block out one whole night a week with her why don’t you suggest things that will take up less time? Like coffee one week or dinner the next? That way you’re still spending time together but it’s not taking as long and you still get most of your evening free to decompress?

Post # 23
Member
2987 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry that you’re in an awkward spot. I would just be honest and say that you’ve been really busy and see if every other Friday is okay? 

I live a plane ride away from most of my closest friends/family so I would ordinarily probably hang out with them once a week. I have two good girlfriends here and we see each other about every 2-3 weeks depending on how busy we are. We all work full time and have a lot going on. I would love to see them more but the weeks sometimes fly by. 

Post # 24
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You are pulling away. You want to see your friend half as much as you used to.  You’d like to cut down your marathon meetups to shorter times.  Your life has changed and you don’t want to invest the same number of hours in this friendship face to face.   Most people pull away from their friends at some point, since married people with children aren’t magically granted extra hours to see their families.  

I think you just need to own that change and let your friend know that you’ve got less time for meetups, but that you’d like to still see her every other week.  If you do actually want to see her every other week, that is. If you’re going to follow that that change with once- a- month, don’t suggest twice a month.  Know what you’d like from your friend, and ask for it. 

If you can incorporate her into your new life with double-dates, or inviting her out with your family (or vice versa) it might be easier than keeping the one on one dates going.  I’ve had work-from-home dates with friends where one of us puts on a pot of coffee and buys some pastries.  I’ve also had “errand dates”, “yoga dates” and other get togethers to make sure that even as our lives changed, we didn’t have to drift as far apart.  

Post # 25
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2021

I was in an LDR at 26 with a guy in the Army, finally employed in a ‘career’ type job, and renting a house with roommates. I’m pretty sure I still saw my best friend every couple of weeks or so? Back at 25 I saw her bare minimum once a week, and sometimes stayed at her apartment a couple nights at a time since I was still at home.

Now a few years later, I’m about to move in with my boyfriend (who lives just 15 min away YAY), in a different but similar job (no crazy demands here though). I try to be fairly flexible for my friends, and sometimes feel THEY are the barely available ones – between the 4 of us it’s so hard to find a date we all can work with since one is a teacher, one lives in a different city 3+ hours away, and one is a dance teacher so she sometimes has stuff on the weekends and is very busy with dance camps in the summer. 

I do get you on needing ‘me’ time. I am an introvert and NEED that time. My boyfriend is mellow enough that I can get that while being with him, fortunately. 

My friends.. I see them about quarterly. I will say that I make time for weekly family dinners at my parents’ house though, and my boyfriend goes out to happy hour at a nearby pub after work once (sometimes twice) a week with a coworker or two. That aside though, we really don’t go ‘out’ aside from a little casual dinner date occasionally. We never stay out late unless it’s someone’s birthday. 

I’m reading a lot of different experiences, expectations, routines, etc. I think it’s great that some people are able to make time to see friends so frequently, and I do REALLY wish I saw my friends more often than quarterly, especially my teacher friend. 

I also get your friend’s fears – it’s scary to think about growing apart, and it can feel like rejection if someone has to specifically tell you they want to make plans together less often. But ultimately, if you tell her you’re having trouble balancing everything and are making some adjustments.. she really needs to accept that if she wants to continue being friends.

I also agree with PP about stuff like yoga dates, errand dates, meal prep dates.. I do those with my friend and it’s a great way to relax or be productive while still hanging out!

Post # 26
Member
555 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

In my home country there is this saying – one old friend is better than 2 new ones but recently I have been realizing that we do grow apart with some people because our priorities change and that’s ok. I used to push myself to meet up with my old friends more but you have to listen to your heart. If you don’t have that much desire to meet up with someone then maybe you are not that close anymore. And yes, everyone is different. For me I hate meeting up for an hour in the middle of the day and rushing it, I prefer Friday nights with wine and deep conversations. Introverts are tough. I have a couple of friends who are introverts and they don’t tlike getting out of their shell too often. You always have to show initiative. Eventually it drained me even though I am not an extrovert myself, more like an ambivert. However, I also appreciate friends who understand that life happens and it’s ok if we don’t see each other for a couple months…And we all have different needs depending on our personality

Post # 27
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I see my friends maybe once a month, but we have a group chat we Chime into with 4 other membera  besides myself. I also don’t feel inclined to see them too frequently unless there is a kids party or an adult gathering sprinkled throughout the month. We send each other snaps directly to the said group chat to keep intimate communication, if you may. Sometimes when I miss one of them I’ll go out my way to plan a visit as I have a more flexible schedule Than them. I feel it’s inevitable to grow apart even if a little bit 

Post # 28
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

Well I live in two different cities. In each city I try to see my closest friends once a week– I have a standing Tuesday early morning cofee with my closest friend in one city, and a Friday dinner and Sunday brunch with my closest frinds in the other. My absolute closest friends unfortunately live in altogether differnet cities so I see them much more rarely. Once every year or so?

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