How often does your SO call you beautiful or gorgeous?

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
501 posts
Busy bee

This is not meant offensively but you sound…….pretty emotionally young.

It sounds like the two of you have a communication problem. He seems to not be giving you something reasonably possible that you need, which he should try to do if you are explicit. Conversely, you seem to be uncharitably interpreting him—he obviously is complimenting you, using not the language you would use precisely seems to be a demand for mind-reading that also inappropriately fails to grant what he is trying to stay.

 

For what its worth, my husband tells me I am beautiful….never. I tell him he is beautiful….never. That’s not how our relationship works. We aren’t those kind of people. He does tell me that I’m the third best thing that happened to him (behind being born this century to a loving family) and I tell him that he’s the ugliest husband I’ve ever had (he’s my only marriage). We both find it funny. Cutesy words aren’t a thing either of us think of as having weight. HE does do all the household and organizational tasks I find annoying and helps my family out even when they are awful to him. I support his hobbies even when I don’t care, and sometimes do things that don’t accord with my preferences because he cares about them. For us, these are sufficiently indicative of love. I’d find his telling me I’m beautiful useless. I find his emptying the dishwasher and picking up the laundry deeply loving. (Also we live apart half the week and never bother to text, much less flirty text, when apart). 

 

You need to have a straightforward conversation about what you both need. But you also need to be charitable in reading his behavior. Listen to what he is saying not what you would mean if you said those things.

Post # 62
Member
425 posts
Helper bee

hunterfigi1 :  If that’s your love language, then yes. But what you have to understand, is that in my experience (and I have a lot of experience) a man can tell you that you’re the most beautiful girl in the world to your face but be calling a million other girls that behind your back. He can make you feel sexy and beautiful with words, but most of the time men who are sweet-talkers like that (again, in my experience) are running that game with many women at once. You need to find someone who can make you feel beautiful but also treat you like a queen. And that man is out there! You just can’t settle. 

Post # 63
Member
9733 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Damn girl maybe he just don’t think you’re beautiful. This is exhausting! 

Post # 64
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee

hunterfigi1 :  So which is it? He never iniates sex, or you have to do it half the time?

Post # 65
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Full disclosure, I get that the concept of love languages can be helpful in some relationships, but I think the way it’s trotted out on this site is often as an excuse to make your partner do something you want. Like, physical gifts being your love language does not somehow entitle you to a ring your fiance can’t afford. 

Likewise, I don’t think this is an issue of words of affirmation being your love language, because you aren’t just asking for more loving words, you’re demanding he give you specific compliments via text. That’s about control.

Post # 66
Member
5455 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

saratiara2 :  yes!! I thought it was a way of understanding your partner and how they express their love to you.

Not, “this is my love language so you have to do this for me”

Absolutley talk about what you need in a relationship and what is making you unhappy, but you can’t mold someone into something they are not to make you happy.

If their love language isn’t compatible with what you need in a relationship then they might not be your person. You can work on things and see if things can improve but you can’t change a person 

Post # 67
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

Are you the bee banging the father of several other children by multiple prior relationships and freaking out because you haven’t conceived as fast as his exes?

Post # 69
Member
383 posts
Helper bee

I was going to chime in and say that I actually think your partner should call you beautiful if it makes you happy. It’s not a completely absurd, time-consuming, expensive, or difficult request. It’s also something that clearly matters to you for whatever reason. It shouldn’t be the hill for your boyfriend to die on. I think we all have certain things that we’re particular about, or that we really enjoy, if this is your thing, fine.

However, the more I read the thread and your other minute complaints – which emojis he uses, not initiating over 50% of the time, not even going to touch the kids/pregnancy stuff…make me feel like you are not ready for an adult relationship. I think you’d be better served finding someone your own age, without all the extra baggage, and enjoying your youth and taking time to mature.

Post # 70
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

He’s probably saving all of his “you’re beautiful”s for whoever he’s sending the peach emoji to.

Post # 71
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

hunterfigi1 :  You sound like you have self image problems and low self-esteem problems to be honest.  This sounds more of a you problem than a fiance problem.  Sounds like he could give you all the compliments in the world and it still won’t be good enough for you.  What do you think is going to happen when you get pregnant?  As a person fairly confident in my looks and appearances, I feel like a whale and pretty unattractive at 8.5 months pregnant, despite Darling Husband telling me that he finds me so beautiful and trying to initiate sex a lot (stuff he didn’t do as much when I wasn’t pregnant).  You have bigger issues to worry about than your Fiance not giving you the compliments that you want to hear, and please don’t get pregnant at this point.  Pregnancy and proper childrearing require emotional maturity, which I have to inform you that you lack.

Post # 72
Member
373 posts
Helper bee

hunterfigi1 :  

I haven’t read all of the other responses so apologies if this is repetitive but… the only opinion of you that should count is your own, bee. Don’t look for your self worth in his words, he may leave and take it with him. 

Husband isn’t in the habit of compliments but when I take the initiative to dress, do hair, makeup whatever and we are among company I’ve caught him staring at me once or twice. In all these years just that many times…Its a weird experience as his eyes say a lot, and the best part is dude hasn’t realised he’s doing it. That’s the extent of it – not a single word uttered. Should I be mad? No, because married life is bigger then those things. If you have it and appreciate it great, you’re lucky, but if not it’s really not that much of a big deal because again, we go back to the very important fact that your opinion of you is the one that counts.

It sounds like you are badgering him for compliments and let’s be honest, would it even seem authentic at this point? It all sounds very high school tbh.

 

Post # 73
Member
8265 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Yup, that’s the one. She also has an emoji problem…..

hampsterdance :  

Post # 74
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

To answer your question.. Darling Husband compliments me almost daily, even after almost 13 years together (13 years in total, not in marriage). But I don’t even think that’s the problem here…. I truly believe you need to take a step back and really look at your relationship, not only with your fiancé but also with yourself. I wouldn’t move forward with a marriage and I definitely wouldn’t even be thinking about having a child until several other issues are resolved. People assume marriage/babies fix issues and that’s simply not the case. It’s the total opposite. 

Post # 75
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

He compliments me almost everyday.   He even tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m having a bad hair day or with no make up.  Maybe you guys argue too much and that takes away the thoughtfulness in him.   Healing?  It must have been a serious fight. 

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