Post # 1
Question is just as the title states! Also, do you need to hear it or is it not important if your SO comments on your appearance?
(This could also mean when he/she says you look good, are pretty today, have nice hair/makeup/etc.)
I ask because my love language is words of affirmation and I don’t remember the last time Darling Husband called me beautiful. He hasn’t said anything about my appearance in a while (in fact, I don’t remember the last occurence, that’s how long it’s been.)
I know I’ve put on weight (combo of being pregnant + going on antidepressants postpartum + getting Nexplanon), but I still would like to feel like he thinks I’m attractive. If he doesn’t, fine, but I’ve asked him and he says he does think I’m attractive just that he doesn’t feel the need to tell me ever, which…okay? I thought about going anon but this account is pretty anonymous anyway so it’s not a big deal.
I’ve become pretty discouraged, and it doesn’t help my body issues when I feel like the one person in my life that I want to find me beautiful doesn’t really think I’m all that pretty.
I’ve talked to him gently about this twice now over the past 7-8 months, just a “Babe, I need to hear that you are attracted to me. Not all the time, but every once in a while. It’s my love language and it really hurts when I don’t hear it and makes me feel unloved and ugly.” Still, nothing.
I’ve given up now, but it still stings when I dress up or attempt to look nice and he doesn’t even seem to notice or care.
Sorry this turned into a vent! Jeez. I’m a little emotional, lol.
Post # 2
Did he read the entire book on Love Languages or just your reference to it?
I think most guys after reading it in full will take it seriously. That could change his mind from thinking words of affirmation for you are nice to essential.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2017 - Grandover Resort
You are not alone. My fiancé who I’ve been with for 5 years doesn’t ever comment on my appearance. The last time he did was probably within the first few weeks we met. It doesn’t bother me now though. In the beginning of our relationship I use to try and talk to him about it to see if he could work on it for my sake. But he just explained how that’s just not in his personality to be that way, and I had to accept that he’s not vocal with that nor is he affectionate.
I’m sorry that you are feeling upset. 🙁 Did he use to say stuff like that a lot early in your relationship, and then now he doesn’t?
Post # 4
More than once a week but maybe not every day. Also I get “pretty” a lot and while that’s nice I wish I would get called beautiful or gorgeous every once in awhile. “Pretty” has just become too easy and almost comes out without meaning anymore… I feel like. Or it could just be me being self-conscious.
Post # 5
- Wedding: April 2018 - SLS Las Vegas
mrstea83: Bee I am so sorry! I know how hard that is. I was in a relationship that I did not feel wanted and he didnt affirm me. I am now engaged to a man that tells me I am gorgeous every day and leaves me love notes and affirmations all over the house. I feel incredibly lucky but also that i deserve it.
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2015 - Ruby Princess
He tells me how beautiful, gorgeous, wonderful I am on a daily basis, and it still makes me squinch my face and feel slightly uncomfortable.
My love language is def not affirmations. I have never read that book, so I have no idea.
I’m sorry what you’re going through. What is his love language? What are they? Could he be showing you in other ways that you’re valued and loved?
Post # 7
SO usually says it once or twice a day. He hasn’t said it in a couple days, but he’s had an insane week so I totally get it. It’s usually when we’re laying there after smexy time, or when he gives me a big hug that I’ll say it. I love hearing the compliment-it makes me feel special, and beautiful, to him at least. We’re big on the compliments and I love you’s, it’s just how we are. We’re very verbally and physically affection:)
Post # 8
hevmarr: He did, and that’s what bothers me so much. I feel like he isn’t attracted to me like he used to be (I was very skinny when we met and I’m now average to slightly overweight). He’s a great guy and we have a good relationship, it’s just this one caveat! I know he probably doesn’t do it intentionally (he’s said “You should know I think you’re beautiful without me having to tell you”. Men. Lol)
southerncharm: Just my reference. I will see if he’d be open to reading the book, thank you for the suggestion!
rrenee: I agree, use some creativity! Get a thesaurus! Lol 😉
nikbee: I am so glad you are in a relationship where you hear that (truly, everyone deserves to be told they’re beautiful!)
amandajane4949: His love language (from the quiz at least) is physical touch. You might have just opened my eyes a little. I realize that he does love touching me (twirling my hair, rubbing my back, holding my hand, kissing, etc.) but I’m *not* a touchy feely person and usually brush him off when he tries to show affection. So it’s possible that I am doing the same thing to him that he does to me. Hm, I didn’t even consider that until now, and now I feel a little bit silly. He isn’t a big “talker”, but he does like to show affection physically. We just need to work on getting our love languages in sync with each other lol!
Post # 9
yourhandinmine: Aw that’s wonderful! I am so happy for you. It does make you feel special, and in a different way than it would with anyone else saying it. I get complimented by family/friends a lot, but it isn’t the same!
Post # 10
mrstea83: I would say 4 to 5 times a week but he is a verbal love kind of person. I am more physical… fortunately, after a separation last year, then counseling we are both learning to speak the others language.
Post # 11
I think it’s probably that it’s hard to make a change in habits. He probably still finds you attractive but isn’t used to expressing it nowadays. I bet you are beautiful in real life!
I don’t need compliments that often, but Darling Husband is so great at saying sweet things to me. I am very lucky.
Post # 12
mrstea83: I usually get it several times a week, get told I am gorgeous and beautiful. I know looks aren’t everything but it’s nice to hear when I dress up and he says I’m beautiful. My guy is very verbal, more verbal than me, and has an easy time talking about what he feels.
Im sorry you are feeling this way. I find most guys aren’t like my guy, they arent as verbal. A lot of guys show they find you attractive in other ways, like touching. It sounds like your guy has his own way but you both have different ways of expressing it.
Post # 13
My husband tells me all the time even after being together for like 5 years, multiple times a day which is nice because he’s not usually open about his feelings unless I force him. I do know that he likes to be complimented consistently so I do that, it really boosts his overall mood. But he also is always trying to cop a feel which I find much more amusing. Haha
Post # 14
- Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull
We use ‘gorgeous’ as a term of endearment, so we hear it a lot.
“Hey Gorgeous” “Want a cup of tea Gorgeous?” etc.
I couldn’t tell you how often I’ve heard him genuinely compliment my appearance without me asking though. It’s probably only once or twice in the 8 years we’ve been together.
However, if I ask him how I look, he’ll usually say “very pretty” or “beautiful as always Darling”
Very rarely I get a “yeah, fine” to that question!!
I think I’m more verbal than he is – he usually shows me that he is attracted to me, rather than telling me outright.
Post # 15
mrstea83: ok so the love languages thing is all well and good but it doesn’t change someones personality. Just because your love language is one thing does not mean that is a comfortable thing for your partner or make them able to change how they personally express love.
I think it is good that you have recognised that you maybe doing the exact same thing and that he does express love just in a different way. It isn’t about right or wrong but about different styles all of which are perfectly ok.