Post # 31
My DH is big on words, he tells me I’m beautiful and/or compliments me on other things (not necessarily appearance related) multiple times a day. I do the same for him. I’ve found that I really like it, though I’m not sure if that’s my love language.
My ex was terrible with words. He rarely complimented me and when he did it was usually something generic like “you’re nice” or “I like your hair” or something and it was like pulling teeth to get him to tell me he loved me (though he said that he did). I expressed my distaste with this situation several times, but it never changed. I gave up because otherwise everything else was fine (at least it was to me at the time), but looking back now, not having those words of affirmation really did upset me.
Post # 32
Pretty much never. He would never just come out and say “you’re beautiful”, it’s just not how he works. I mean, he certainly does things and has ways to let me know that he thinks I look nice he would just never come out and say it like that. I think if I ever used the words “love language” he would probably laugh at me. We’re just not those kinds of people, we aren’t terribly emotional or lovey dovey.
Also, i’m like the most incredibly vain person so I really don’t need him to say it cause I already know I look damn good.
Post # 33
If you want your husband to speak your Love Language, you will have to learn to accept his Love Language as well. Expecting compliments and then brushing off his attempts to be affectionate is unfair as well as counterproductive.
While I agree that compliments are important, your husband is right when he says that you should know that your beautiful. Self esteem comes from within. If you don’t think you’re attractive, no amount of compliments are going to make you feel better.
My husband’s Love Language is Acts of Service. I do many things for him and I let him know that I appreciate everything he does for me. In return, my husband has become very affectionate since we met and he compliments me all the time. I had the same problem with not receiving compliments as you did but it changed when I learned to speak my husband’s Love Language and let him know what I needed.
Post # 34
I had (ish have) a similar issue with my SO. My love language is words of affirmation, where as his is acts of service and quality time. He thinks words are cheap and likes to show his love for me by doing romantic things like.. doing my laundry. Honestly, he does gestures like that all the time and I don’t even register them in my mind.
We’ve worked on it. I made him read the book. I try to remember to speak his love language. I kid you not, probably the best sex I ever had was after I cleaned his apartment for him. Sounds ridiculous but that’s how he feels loved. On the flip side, when I tell him he’s sexy and beautiful, or I tell him how much I appreciate having him in my life.. he just says ‘ok’ and changes the subject. it’s like he doesn’t even notice.
think we’re both getting better. I think it’s important to figure out what his love language is, and both use it on him and try to be aware of him using it on you. When my SO buys me toothpaste, I don’t even notice it.. but that’s his way. Knowing that and recognizing he’s showing me love in the way he knows how.. it really helps. Sometimes I prod him, and he’ll say sweet things to me. Sometimes he surprises me and tells me I’m beautiful out of nowhere. Not as often as I would like, but he’s getting better. I hope I am getting better too.
Post # 35
I hear it every day. Affirmation isn’t my love language (quality time is :)), but I still really like hearing it. I’ve been in your position before and I didn’t like it, either. But I don’t think your DH is doing it on purpose. I know many a guy who is oblivious to such things!! Or they think it internally but that thought doesn’t span the gap to the verbal realm. My feeling is if you take the focus off of what you’re not getting and put it on what you ARE (as well as putting the focus on making yourself feel good), not hearing it as often from him won’t be so glaring of an issue. And without the unspoken pressure, he may come forward and say it more often. I’m sure he heard all you’ve said. And based on what you said about his love language being touch, I bet if you let him do that a bit more, he’d naturally be inclined to GIVE a bit more. Just my 2 cents!
Post # 36
While I understand wanting your hubby to tell you how beautiful you are beautiful to him, it isn’t really the end of the world if he doesn’t say it often. Do you feel like you’re not cute, beautiful, sexy, etc. if he isn’t verbal about it? You mentioned he is very touchy-feely. I think that’s his way of showing his attraction. If he was repulsed by you, he wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole, haha. Everyone shows their love and affection in different ways. Just because it’s not what you want, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Post # 37
I have an SO who is not very lovey dovey and I’m more apt to hear him say: check out dat ass! than babe, you look nice.
That being said when I’m wishing he was more lovey dovey or affectionate it’s usually because I’m not really happy with myself. I would never want to rely on his words of affirmation to feel beautiful. Once you see and accept your beauty and have that confidence, you wont even notive whether or not he SAYS it, but I bet you’ll notice the other things he does to show his love and attraction to you.
Post # 38
Maybe once a weekish, I’ll catch him looking at me and he’ll pay me a compliment.
But verbal although appreciated isn’t huge on my list. Physical touch means everything to me. Or acts of service.
Post # 39
He’ll say it pretty much every time we’re together. We also exchange ‘I love you” at least once or twice a day. Both of our love languages are physical touch and quality time so words aren’t a big deal for us, but it’s nice to hear that stuff. Although I don’t care anywhere near as much about being told I’m beautiful as I do hearing ‘I love you’. Do you compliment him? I always make sure to do that. As for you brushing off his physical affection, I have to say that that’s the worst thing you can do to someone whose love language is physical touch. I certainly wouldn’t have the desire to say lovey dovey things to someone who was rejecting me like that. In fact, I’d think something was really wrong with our relationship if that was happening.
Post # 40
Thank you ladies for all of the wonderful responses!
I know he doesn’t do it intentionally, but I grew up in a household where my dad *always* told my mom that she was beautiful/gorgeous/sexy etc. (which was gross to us kids at the time of course lol), so I guess I kind of expect that kind of thing in my own marriage.
I realize that’s not how I need to view things, since DH and I have our own marriage and I am very happy with our relationship. I never really noticed him not complimenting me before I gained weight (probably because I was more secure in my own looks) so I realize this is 100% on me.
I do compliment him on his appearance, as well as tell him how much I appreciate him (he works full time so I am able to stay at home with LO), but I don’t hear it back, which I realize that he probably doesn’t even think about.
He he does tell me he loves me often, so I realize he probably just lumps it all in with that, lol.
I know I need to work on how I view myself, because that is definitely a huge part of why it bothers me when he doesn’t say anything positive about my appearance. He’s even said “Even if I tell you you’re beautiful, you wouldn’t believe me because you always roll your eyes and say you aren’t.” Whoops. Lol.
I probably caused this whole thing myself, but I am glad I was able to vent and get my feelings out there, because I feel SO much better today.
Post # 41
ArcadiaRose: As for you brushing off his physical affection, I have to say that that’s the worst thing you can do to someone whose love language is physical touch. I certainly wouldn’t have the desire to say lovey dovey things to someone who was rejecting me like that. In fact, I’d think something was really wrong with our relationship if that was happening.
I agree with you completely, and I will definitely be working on that in myself. I have a history of sexual abuse which is part of the reason I am anxious about being touched, but DH has never done anything to hurt me so I will have to deal with my issues myself.
Post # 42
I know a lot of women want their partners to say things without prompting and I get that but sometimes it takes being very clear and specific in the moment about what we need from them and how to show up.
I noticed that my Fiance was a bit shy/embarrassed when we first started talking about Love Languages but now (a few years on) it’s shared terminology. So he’ll call me and say- Let’s make some time this week for a good conversation. I want to be sure to give you some of your love language. And I’m conscious of being more physically affectionate with him to help fill him up and get his love needs met.
It might feel forced for your husband initially but the positive responses from you might help him get into the groove of it.
Also- My Fiance tells me I’m beautiful all the time and I love hearing it (especially at the times when I haven’t quite been feeling it) but I’m also pretty confident that I’m hot shit no matter my weight or how recently I’ve dressed up or not. So I love hearing it AND he’s also telling me something I already know.
You sound like you’re being a bit hard on yourself. Like you want your husband to tell you you’re beautiful even though you feel like maybe you’re really not (or he doesn’t think you are)- and forgive me if I’m misunderstanding that.
If you just had a baby, things have likely changed with your body AND you just grew and birthed a whole new human being- that is some of the greatest magick we can do as humans! It’s amazing! You have stretch marks? Those are amazon warrior battle scars! Your body is a bit fuller or fleshier? Mother Nature is making sure you can feed your child and stomp the fuck out of anyone that threatens your baby. Your breasts have changed? They make FOOD to keep another creature alive. When’s the last time your husband made food with his chest? I’m guessing never ever. You are the most amazing thing walking in your house. You’re fucking magick. You might need to connect into that feeling for yourself so your husband isn’t feeding something you feel you don’t have but contributing a nice side dish to the compliments you’re already giving yourself. You made a whole other person- you might not feel radiant right now but you are goddamn glorious.
Post # 43
My husband is not good about telling me that I am beautiful. He is not a verbal affirmations kind of guy. It used to bother me but not anymore. He is more of a gifts and acts of service kind of guy.
Post # 44
Several times a week. He says beautiful and gorgeous a lot when I am dolled up but calls me a natural beauty when I am sans makeup. Sometimes he uses the term cute as well. We’ve been together for almost ten years, if that matters.
I would just express to him how you feel, again. But be more serious about it. Don’t punish him or make him feel bad about it, though. It seems his love language is different than yours, and that is fine, too! Try to keep in mind that you’re the one he is with. You’re the one he is spending his life with. He thinks you’re beautiful and he loves you. Just keep talking with him about it.
Post # 45
He calls me beautiful/cute/sexy daily…and I randomly tell him probably around the same. I know words of affirmation and physical touch are huge for him, whereas words of affirmation and acts of service are huge for me.