Post # 1
We’ve lived together for 3 years now. I’m normally all for “guys night” because I get in ALL my shows and not do a thing around the house. It’s my ME time. Plus I moved a little out of the city so my friends and family aren’t around the corner (45 min drive). I know I took a little risk of not having the luxury of having my friends/family near by like him but I really do love living out here. The last couple months I’ve been noticing the outings have become more often during the week. He say’s he isn’t doing anything wrong and doesn’t understand the issue. I guess it does kind of suck that he gets to go out so often even it’s just fishing with the guys or going to a horse race. Just this last week he was gone all Friday night (got home at 4am) fishing, All day and evening on sunday at horse races, Yesterday gone all day and evening fishing. Drinking all those days and hanging out. I tried explaining to him that I’m okay with having his guy nights because he isn’t doing anything wrong but when he goes out so much it feels like I’m pushed to the side. He just doesn’t understand and continues to say he isn’t doing anything wrong. Just curious on how else to talk to him because what I’m saying isn’t helping. By The Way I’m 27 and He’s 28 . Needs some words of wisdom.
Post # 2
MissNC: We’re probably unusual in terms of how much time we spend together. Fiance and I (31 and 28) are both introverts, him even moreso than me, so we’re not huge on social outings. I go out with friends without him maybe 2-4 times a month (less in winter more in summer). I’d say once every 3 months or so we go out with friends together (couples dinner, small party, etc.). The rest of the time we’re pretty much attached at the hip and hang out just the two of us.
I think a lot of this kind of thing is personality type/relationship type. Some couples seem to crave a lot of time apart from each other and they operate very independently. I know couples who go on trips without each other (like girls’/guys’ weekends, etc.). I had to go on a work trip 2 years ago and I literally couldn’t even sleep for the entire week without Fiance. The idea of going away from him for a weekend for “fun” is totally bizarre to me.
I’m not saying one way is right and one way is wrong, I’m just pointing out that different people require different levels of intimacy/independence. We are lucky because we’re very similar and prefer each other’s company to the company of other people but Fiance is always supportive when I go out without him.
It sounds like you guys just need to talk and figure out a compromise. Obviously you require more one-on-one time than your guy does and he requires more friends only time than you do. It’s definitely not an impossible thing to work out. I think the only real problem is that he seems dismissive of the way you feel. Fi and I are going on 7 years together and we have very little cnoflict because we try to prioritize each other’s feelings. I know he doesn’t like big parties so I simply go without him and don’t nag him about it, he knows I like fancy restaurants (he’s a sandwich guy) so he happily puts on a buttondown and goes out with me for special occasions.
Post # 3
Why does he need to get home at 4am if he’s fishing? Unless he’s fishing for other stuff…
I would be displeased about all the nights out he’s been having. Could the uptick in outings be because of the seasonality of his activities? Does he still spend time with you? You live together for goodness sakes; you would think he would still want to spend time with you.
You could ask him why he’s been doing all these things more recently, or ask him if anything is bothering him. Tell him that you would also like to spend time with him.
Post # 4
swonderful: we are similar to you
we are also happiest to be at home but don’t mind the occasional friend catch-up. My Darling Husband generally will go see his friends just to hang out maybe one night a month. I work part time so I can see people during the week sometimes or I will also go out once every couple of months. The rest is time together, with family or combined with friends. It sounds like this is a recent thing? Is it bothering you more because you are further away from your support network Too?
Post # 5
Like your SO my Fiance has lots of hobbies. He plays squash and darts on 2 nights and may go out another night to say watch the footy or play tennis. It’s rare that he would go out on a drinking boys night; that would only happen a couple of times a year. Then he has his kids evey second weekend and will be away 2 nights for that (he has them closer to where they live).
I’m a pretty independant person and devour alone time so mostly it’s not too much with me…. it’s only when I feel like he’s not appreciating me that I get annoyed.
It’s a lot better when we’re purposely carving out time to spend together which isn’t just us plopped in front of the TV at home. Do you guys do coupley stuff together much?
Post # 6
My SO is more of a home body than me, but I do love staying in-so I go out on my own maybe once a week and usually on a weekday. Then the weekends are ours to stay in or go out together. This works for us, but if he had an issue I would expect him to speak up so we can reach a compromise.
If your guy isn’t willing to compromise in either the amount of hours spent out or decreasing the frequency without making you feel bad about it that’s a big issue. I hope he understands though, good luck!
Post # 7
It does suck that my network of friends aren’t close and what are the odds that 3 of them work nights. We are actually are going to the movies Friday with a group of people and then to a little party to watch the Fight on Saturday with his family . I don’t really take that as a date.
Post # 8
swonderful: wow I totally agree with you, we NEVER go out without each other Except maybe a few times a summer when I go to the beach with my girlfriends or when he goes and plays handball! Seriously, we have been together for going on 8 years and in those 8 years, we have spent ONE night apart in our entire relationship! we are both serious home bodies, but I guess that’s a good thing because we know we can go years with each other day in and day out (besides work, going to the store, etc.) I actually couldn’t picture living without him for even a day!
Post # 9
Darling Husband and I both have our guy’s/girl’s night out every couple of months or so. Not on the same night so one of us is home with the boys and ALWAYS on weekend. Darling Husband will go to a friend’s house to play video games and drink a couple of beers, sometimes they hang out with a group and go get beers and wings, or the group goes to a hockey game. He never gets drunk and he’s home by 1am at the latest. I will go to dinner and a movie or just dinner with my friends. Sometimes, I will have lunch with a few of my stay at home mom friends, while our kids are in school. Neither of us have done weekends away with our friends. All our friends are married with kids now. We are both 43. But age is not really a factor considering my best friend is 32.
Post # 10
Darling Husband and I rarely go out without each other, although we have a toddler. Even before we had a baby, we didn’t go out without each other often. Maybe once a month, probably less. Also we never were gone all day and night.
Post # 11
MissNC: I think we need friends lol. We moved to a new area last June and without him I can think of 6 times. And I’m including family to make myself feel cooler. I think he has hung out 3 times since moving but just friends.
Post # 12
Me and my Fiance hardly go out we are home bodies but I feel that if your going to be in a loving relationship both parties should be comfortable with how much the other goes out and the time you come back. It is troubling that he is spending so much time out and coming home very late. Something seems very fishy to me…
Post # 13
Fiance will go to farm auctions with the guys maybe every 3rd Saturday morning of the month. Then they spend the day unloading the lot of shit they didn’t need, followed by playing cards and drinking a beer at the cousins farm. Oh well, keeps them busy. Fiance usually doesn’t buy much of anything himself at these auctions, just helps his friends or cousins. Although he did buy a nice $400 pop up ice house for $40 so he bought one nice thing.
I enjoy my “me” time as well, I’m such a longer and introvert I just need the time to be alone every now and then. I usually play the sims 4 or catch up on my Ru Paul’s drag race.
Post # 14
Darling Husband and I are homebodies. He doesn’t do guys nights and if I’m out it’s for meetings. We pretty much spend all our time together when we’re not at work. We live pretty far away from our families and neither of us grew up here so we don’t have a large base. One a year he will go on a ski trip with some friends but that’s about it.
Post # 15
I’d communicate to him that he’s absolutely doing nothing “wrong,” you’re not doubting him, not suspicious of him, but you just miss him! If you put it that way, then maybe he’ll see it from your side. It’s not that you don’t trust him to go out, you just want to have time with him too.
Explain that you want “date nights.” So if you’re both going out with parents or (I imagine) just lounging around the house, that’s not counting to you as a date time. Be clear about what you want (more datey nights together, and less nights of him out with the guys) and try not to be accusatory or emotional–it sounds like he won’t recevie that well. Figure out what will keep both of you happy.
As for us, me and my Fiance are both introverts with him being more introverted than me when it comes to going out. His “me time” is spent doing his hobbies, which are all home-based (gaming, programming, crafting–yes, we’re also both giant nerds), so one of us going out too much just isn’t an issue for us.
We do all need our “me” time and experience it in different ways. It sounds like your guy is very extroverted and enjoys his “me time” with the guys. Provided he isn’t up to anything inappropriate, if you’re going to be with him, you will have to accept that. But he should also be willing to compromise on how often he gets his guy time if he wants to be with you and make you happy too.