(Closed) How Often is reasonable to see parents/in-laws?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@missjewels:  Eep! My future in laws live about 1.5 hours away, and we see them maybe once a month/every 6 weeks. And we coordinate beforehand, there is rarely a “I was in the neighborhood” situation. I can’t say my inlaws are my most favorite people, but I don’t mind seeing them every 2-3 weeks, for dinner at most (no overnight visits, etc). My family lives 8 hours away so I only get to see them twice to three times a year at most. I think you and your man should discuss this and determine a united front that he talks abotu with them.. that you love to see them, but really need to plan ahead to get together as you are often very busy together.

ETA: If we lived in the same town or close by, I would probably say, getting together every 2 weeks would be nice for me. Maybe once a week depending on our schedule and the context– are they inviting us out to eat? Or they just want to come to my house and spend all weekend? lol

Post # 4
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t know, I see my parent at least twice a week if not more. Fiance and I ar very close to them, plus we have a son so my parent like to see their grandchild. We have weekly dinners at my moms house every Thursday (with my brother and his son) and we usually see them at least once on the weekend too for some party or something.

I don’t think what your Mother-In-Law is requesting is that out of the ordinary, but maybe that’s just me.

We only see FI’s family about once a month, but that’s mostly because his mom passed away.. I have a feeling it would be different if she was around.

ETA: we live 15 minutes away from my parents.

Post # 5
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It’s a sticky situation. I think once a month would be plenty if they live 2 hours away.

My Future Mother-In-Law wants us to come up every weekend for a day. (2 hour drive each way). I don’t mind making the trip once a month just to visit or more than that for special occasions. Last time she pitched a fit about us coming up so we drove up there. She went upstairs and took a 3 hour nap while we all sat and watched NCIS. I can do that at home and not waste gas money. UGH

Post # 6
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think anyone else can tell you that. What does your Fiance think is a comfortable time? You can only negotiate with him. Then he can put his foot down with his mother. 

PS- it will be an adjustment for her. My Mom used to come visit me every month or two (lives 4 hours away) and stay for 2-3 weeks. When I said that wasnt going to work once Darling Husband and were living together, she had a fit. But she’s gotten used to it now.

Post # 7
Member
4606 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

My parents live two hours away and I’m doing pretty good if I see them once every three months. FH’s dad lives about 30 minutes away, and he sees him once a month, sometimes more, depending on how things are going. FH’s mom passed away last year and his dad hasn’t dealt with it well, so sometimes he wants to see FH once a week, sometimes not. 

My parent’s are coming up for my birthday the first weekend in April, and that’s going to be the first time I’ve seen them since the beginning of January. 

ETA: That’s going to be something that your SO has to deal with if he thinks mom’s visiting too much. You should discuss it with him and see what he thinks about it but also let him know how you feel too. There is no generalized amount that you should see your in law’s. I wouldn’t want to see my in laws once a week, but other’s may not have a problem with it. 

Post # 8
Member
1134 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We live very close to my fiances family, and his sister and her hubby live on our street so we see them all the time, and to me thats great! i love his family. My family lives furthur away so we see them about once a year.

Post # 9
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

I think it depends a lot on how far apart you live, and how well you get along.  I know families that all live within a few blocks of eachother and happily pop in on eachother multiple times a week – run errands together, pick up things for one another at the grocery, etc.  I don’t think that’s required though, it’s just what works for them.

We live a 3.5 hr plane ride from my family, and 8 hrs by car from DH’s, so we visit each group once or twice a year for several days at a stretch.  They usually come visit us once or twice a year as well, so I guess that works out to seeing one set of inlaws or another every other month or so.  If we all lived in the same town, I know we’d see them a lot more, especially because we have a baby that all the grandparents are gaga over.

I think expecting to see you every week when you live 2 hrs away is a stretch, unless you have some reason to be in their neck of the woods often.  Really, I think you should be seeing them as much as you want to, though if there’s a big discrepancy between their desires and yours, you should probably pick a middle ground and go with that to keep family strife to a minimum.

Post # 10
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

We see his parents who live 30 minutes away about every 3-4 weeks and my parents who live 10 hours away every 2-3 months. 

Post # 11
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My parents live 45 minutes away and I (not my FI) see them about once a week only because they watch our dog one night/day a week (she has separation anxiety and we normally have to bring her to doggy day care. It’s silly.)  Despite them being so close, I would not expect my Fiance to want to hang out with them on a weekly basis.  We usually end up spending more time with them in the summer just because they live in a beach town!

His parents live 4 hours away and we see them once every 2 months I’d say.  Even if they lived closer, I would be in your boat, I would not want to see them on a weekly basis.  I think it doesn’t really matter what other people do, because it is clear that you don’t want to spend that much time with them.  And that is totally fine.  I think what is bugging you the most is that his mom is being clingy and needy about it.  Maybe at some point your Fiance needs to try to talk to her about how her behavior is having the opposite effect that she desires – by being so needy about seeing you, she is making you guys not want to spend as much time with her (said in a much gentler way!) I would also try to push off the responsibility for saying no to her repeated requests to your Fiance so it doesn’t seem like it’s you keeping her dear son away from her. 

Post # 12
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

We usually see them for holidays and family gatherings. Maybe once a year we have them over for a dinner and they usually take us out once or twice a year. That’s plenty for me and I ADORE them!

Post # 13
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My soon to be in laws live about 40 minutes away, and we see them every one to two weeks; however, we are very close with them and I genuinely enjoy time spent with them, and will start to miss them if we haven’t seen them after awhile!

Post # 14
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@missjewels:  Every family is different, and has different traditions. You are clearly not a visit your family once a week type, but your FILS are clearly that type of family. I think you need to respect that. 

I come from a family that isn’t super close, we see eachother for birthdays and christmas, plus the odd other day. Fi’s family is super close, always visitng eachother, having family dinners, talking on the phone almost daily.

It was weird for me to get used to at first, but I get along with his family so the frequent visiting doesn’t bother me. You cannot be the one to set restrictions or limits on visits with the in-laws, you need to leave that to your Fiance to determine. While you get to have it your way for visiting your family.

Post # 15
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

We see my parents at least once a week (I work with my mom, so I see her more, but for social reasons, once a week or so). We really enjoy seeing them, and it’s gone up a bit since having DS. They are a big help to us, though, and it’s not at all pushed by my parents. We actually moved here to have that help and support. I can understand how it would be a problem if we felt pressured to do it, though. Pick how often you feel comfortable, and stick with it. 

Post # 16
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Depends on the parents! We live about five minutes away from my parents and about 25 away from DH’s. I do see my parents once every week or two, but it’s very rarely a case of my mom calling and wanting to stop by – usually more like them inviting us over for dinner or meeting with us somewhere, or I’ll stop over on my way to work when I’ve got the late shift and Darling Husband is already gone for the day, and I’ll have lunch with my mom before I go in. But the big difference is that if I’m not up to visiting or am busy, my parents totally understand and don’t push us or call all the time.

We used to have BIG problems with DH’s mom calling us and wanting us to go over there CONSTANTLY. She would call every single day to see what we were doing. Early on in our relationship I was with him on his day off and his mom called to see what we were doing. He told her we were about to head out to get a present for his sister’s bridal shower. She asked if we wanted her to come and he said no. She then instruted him what gift she wanted us to buy his sister off the registry. Then she called again when we were at the store to make sure we found it okay. Then she called again when we got home to make sure we got it back okay and to offer freaking wrapping advice – seriously. Then she called AGAIN later to see if we could go over for dinner. OMG. I put my foot down that it couldn’t continue, he needed to separate his daily activities from his mom a bit more or it was going to be a dealbreaker for me. Thank goodness he understood, and his parents barely bug us now that his sister has a child – instead they are over at her house every single day, but apparantely she doesn’t care. We see them every 3-6 weeks for dinner or something (although he works for the family business, so he sees his dad every day.)

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