Post # 1
Hi there waiting bees,
I am curious to know how long you were dating before you and your SO set a timeline for engagement and how old you were. What is the norm? When did you start talking seriously about marriage?
I am curious because my SO and I are 24 and have been dating for 1yr and 4 mos. After about a year he gave me this heartfelt speech about how he wanted to marry me one day. But now he also says stuff like “I don’t want to get married anytime soon” and that he has a lot of things he wants to do before getting married. But I am not sure what that means because if he plans on marrying me than how will the fact of us being married or just dating prevent him from doing those things? He also said he soesn’t want to rush it because he does not want to get divorced, once he is married he wants that to be it, and I completely agree but it also confuses me as to why he said he wants to marry me one day if he is not sure.
I might be moving out of state for grad school soon and he has said he would move with me and I told him I would not live with him and he would have to get his own place. Why would anyone want to commit to living with me and moving across the country but not marrying me?
Thanks for your answers!
Post # 3
@grignardreagent: My SO and I were dating for 2.5 years when we discussed that we wanted to be married by January of 2014. We are in college and will graduate in the Spring, and we both will have jobs come June. We just had our 4 year anniversary and I hope to be recieving a ring this month. 🙂
I think that normally when you are already out of college people typically date 18 months before getting engaged. So you are almost there.
I wouldn’t doubt what he told you about wanting to marry you. Also you should know that when most men say they are not ready to be married it is usually because they do not have the money (ring, wedding, etc.)
I also think that you are right to not have him live with you if you feel he is not wanting to really take the next step with you. I am with you in thinking why would he not be able to do everything he wants to do before getting married. Maybe he feels like you would want kids soon after marriage and in essence he would not be able to do all that he wants.
I think you guys have been together long enough to talk about a timeline. There is nothing wrong with dicussing feelings.
Post # 4
Probably the 2 year mark we talked about the idea of marriage. He propsed at 2.5 years. 27 and 29 when this all happened.
Post # 5
We hadn’t been together long (but we’ve known each other/dated off and on for almost 5 years now) when we decided that we wanted to get married after I graduate and before I start teaching, so it narrowed it down to May – August 2014. Proposing was up to him, but he knew I wanted a long engagement because of my student teaching. I was 19 and he was/is 21.
Post # 6
We never really set a timeline, but at some point we just knew it was going to be “soon.” I’d say I knew he was going to propose about 5 or 6 months before it happened, but we both knew WELL in advance that we were going to get married. A few weeks into our relationship, I dragged him into Tiffany and I tried on the ring I am wearing now. Three months into our relationship we went to New York and wound up at Tiffany’s on Valentine’s Day. It was just bound to happen.
When we started dating I had just turned 25 and he was 36. He popped the question one month before my 27th birthday <3
Post # 7
@grignardreagent: I think part of the problem is that you are 24 and he is 24. Most men just don’t start to think about getting married until they are in their late 20s early 30s. Your SO probably loves you and probably wants to marry you someday, but isn’t in the mindset yet that he wants to be a responsible provider. At least, in my experience, a lot of men feel like they need to ‘provide’. I would go with the flow. At your stage in life, there isn’t a huge rush to run to the alter. You don’t have to worry about your biological clock yet, and you can afford to spend a couple years waiting and making sure you are right for eachother without any fear that he will never ‘put a ring on it’ while your boyfriend gets used to the idea of getting married.
As far as why he is willing to move across the country to be with you, but not marry you, I think men are just more comfortable moving in together as a form of commitment which still gives them the freedom to move on if necessary.
At this point, after only 1.5 years and with an SO at 24, I wouldn’t put a time line on it. Your boyfriend is willing to follow you so you can pursue your dreams. He obviously loves you and is willing to give up friends, family and a career for you. (He sounds like a great guy!) Timelines and walk away dates are for older women who are worried about having kids or people who have been in really long relationships without moving forward (like 5+ years). I’m sure in a few years both you and your bf will be in the same place vis-a-vis marriage.
Post # 8
I never set a timeline for my husband. He had to decide on his own that he was ready to ask me. He came from a family with a lot of divorce and I knew marriage was a scary thing for him. I waited 6 years (yes 6) for him to ask me to marry him and I wouldn’t change it at all! Because I knew I wanted to spend my life with him and I got to do that with or without a ring. Now I know that when he asked me he was 100% sure that it was what he wanted for the rest of his life and he made that choice without any pressure or due date for it to happen. He also told me that it would have been sooner but my sister got engaged right before he was getting ready to do it and decided to wait so she could have her special time. So it would have been 5 years but either way we are very happily together! 🙂
Post # 9
I was 22 when we started dating, he was 27. We got engaged after 1.5 years. And we are getting married 15 months from engagement.
Post # 10
We’ve kind of set a timeline. We’ve been dating for exactly a year and a half but are very young (he (23) just graduated, I (almost 21) graduate next year from undergrad) and we’re planning on getting engaged after I graduate next year. After that, we’re waiting for at least two years for the wedding to get our finances in order. So by the time we get married, it’ll have been 4.5 years!
Post # 11
We were 25 and 26 when we met, last August.
He was pretty sure he was going to marry me just by reading my online profile and seeing my two (really crappy) pictures lol. He was absolutely sure after about 6 weeks (we’d met after about a week of talking online). It took me about 8 months before I even seriously considered it. lol
I told him early on I’d have to be dating a good two years before I’d consider marriage.
He wasn’t going to propose until he was about 95% sure I’d say yes.
He proposed at just over a year, I said yes. lol
I was PERFECTLY fine waiting longer, as my last relationship lasted 7 years, but he didn’t want to. haha. I’m amazingly indecisive, and it’s a big decision! I trust him though, and I have no regrets ^_^
Moving with you and willing to find his own place, to me, shows that he’s very serious, but that he doesn’t want to do it too soon. He doesn’t want to lose you, but wants to be really, really sure. He’s taking marriage seriously, which is exactly what you want! You don’t want a guy who wants to marry you just because he doesn’t want to break up with you. You want a guy who wants to marry you because he wants to be together for the rest of your lives.
He sounds like he’s just very cautious and responsible, but loves you very much. Sometimes people just need time to come around. I’m still coming around to my fiance! He’s been sure since like, forever. As time progresses, I’m more and more sure, but sometimes for no reason some people just need time, for many reasons.
Post # 12
We dated 2.5 years before talking about timelines. I was 23 and he was 24 during the timeline talk. We got engaged at 2 years 10 months.
Post # 13
We dated 1.5 years before discussing a timeline. We’ll hit 3 years in January…proposal is coming before Christmas. I am 35, he is 43.
Post # 14
My SO and I are 20 and 21 and have been together a bit over three years. We first discussed marriage around the 1 year mark. Around the start of this year we both set a timeline for our lives both individually and as a couple for the next 5 years, which includes a proposal within the next year (his timeframe not mine) as well as a loose timeframe for marriage later on.
As far as the moving situation, my SO will potentially be in a career that will require him to go where they decide when he is starting out. I have always said I will go with him regardless of if we are married yet or not, as we both have our timeline to become engaged and married etc.
I hope this helps you out!
Post # 15
I didn’t set a timeline with DH. He surprised me with a proposal at 1.5 years; and, we got married 6 mos. later. We are 28/29 years old. However, I did set a timeline with an ex-bf, who I knew deep down inside, will never commit to me.
I agree with PPs about the being young. Men don’t usually know what they want until later in life around their late 20s and early 30s. Also, being in college/grad school seems to stunt maturity for some people. i.e. They haven’t had an adult relationship with a job/apartment/responsibilities.
I think it is smart that you believe in not living together if he isn’t ready for the commitment because it gets messy when things don’t work out. I’m not opposed to living together without the ring but it is a good idea that you and your bf are on the same page about commitment/marriage in the future. I wouldn’t push the timeline on your BF just yet.
Post # 16
I have a timeline… I’ve only officially set the date, but I did think about it around a year ago. It’ll be 9 months since he officially promised me that a proposal was “coming soon”. I’m 28 and he’s 37 and for me, age does play a factor in it because I don’t want to be in my 30’s and then end up having to start all over yet again.