(Closed) how quick are you to forgive after a fight

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I cant be of help. My Darling Husband wouldnt call me names and I cant say I would ever let him. I had a Boyfriend or Best Friend once, for a very short while, that thought it was OK to yell and call me names. That ended very quickly.

I don’t think this is about forgiving, but about thinking about what kind of relationship you currently have and what kind you actually want and deserve and, then, how to go about achieving it.

Post # 4
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@ThreeMeers:  +1 that was a great answer.  Maybe some counseling for just you?  That way you can have someone else looking in to the everyday workings of your relationship.  ((HUGS))

Post # 5
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@ThreeMeers:  +1


My husband did that to me for a long while. I wrote a huge post a month or so before we got married about all of it.

I finally told him how I felt, threatened to leave and it wasn’t until the talk, the counseling, all of it, that he has stopped.

Our relationship is so HEALTHY now!

I suggest talking to him about how this makes you feel, see how he reacts and go from there.

Good luck!

Post # 6
643 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and agree with the other ladies. This doesn’t sound healthy. My Fiance would trust me if I slept in the same bed with another guy. It sounds like he is trying to control you, and that generally stems from a belief that he isn’t good enough to keep you without resorting to control. I would go see a counsellor, STAT.

As for forgiveness, I would say Fiance and I are very quick to forgive. We simmer down, have a chat about it, and then it’s done (and when I say “done” I don’t mean we stop talking about it for a while only to throw it in one another’s faces the next time we fight, I mean my friend asks me a week later how it all worked out and I had completely forgotten I was upset with him a week before kind of done).

Post # 7
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think there’s a big difference between saying something you regret in the heat of an argument, and saying things that are intentionally personally insulting and hurtful.  For me, the first situation is much easier to forgive than the second.

Post # 8
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

if my Fiance ever siad anything like that to me i wouldnt marry him. but that doesnt help your situation much, all i can recoment is counceling for the both of you. hes overbearing a jealous and it scares you enough that you felt compeled to lie to spare yourself the onslought  the truth would cause. Get help before it gets worse.

Post # 9
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

There are so many layers here.  It goes beyond forgiveness, IMO.  

On a side note – I think you can forgive someone completely but that doesn’t mean the pain of their actions goes away.  Sometimes the pain of the action lingers for a very long time even though you may have forgiven them (in my book, to forgive means you release what’s rightful to you to ‘right’ a situation).

If I were in your shoes, I would address the root of the issue – which seems Darling Husband is controlling and jealous.  You shouldn’t have to feel like you need to lie to Darling Husband because it avoids an argument.  

What does your Darling Husband expect you to do when another man talks to you?  I’m assuming you guys have discussed this ad naseum and come up with some compromise???

Post # 10
5957 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

What you described is not a fight, but more like a three hour autopsy with character assassination and crying.  I’m all for a good tangle with Mr. 99, but what you’ve got on your hands would never happen at our house.  Time to take inventory girl, this guy sounds like a liability with no potential.

Post # 11
986 posts
Busy bee

@cb336: +1. Something said in the heat of the moment is one thing, but if Mr. O said something about my medication (anxiety girl here!) not working, I would take that personally and probably get offended. 

Name calling though would really, really bother me. I have to agree with PPs and say counseling may be a good idea. 

Post # 12
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Someone might be crazier than your mother, but its not you.

This guy has some serious anger issues.  You lied because you’re scared of his reactions & that’s not good.  He needs counseling pronto which would probably be easier with your help & support.


Post # 13
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I forgive my husband quickly after a fight because he never says such horrible hurtful things.

That sounds awful. It’s hard to “unhear” those words. I would suggest counseling. Good luck.

Post # 14
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Nona99:  Agreed.

Post # 15
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would not be quick to forgive any of that because it’s not acceptable behavior.  FI and I fight very infrequently, and once it got to the point of name calling, we forgave each other after a few hours and vowed to NEVER EVER no matter how angry we were call each other names again – and we haven’t.  If it happened frequently I would not be in a relationship with him anymore.

Your Fiance sounds controlling considering he gets THAT upset about you talking to your friend. You should not feel you have to lie to him to avoid him getting upset at you. That is NOT a healthy relationship.  It will also perpetuate the cycle – you lie to avoid him getting mad, which makes him not trust you because you lied and makes him angry when he finds out you talk to this person…

He sounds like he needs serious help. I’m not saying you should leave, but I’d seriously consider individual and couples therapy if I were going to merely consider staying.

So sorry you’re going through this. You don’t NEED nor DESERVE this.  Walking on egg shells for someone is no way to live!   

Post # 16
2874 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

mmm we established boundaries very early on – we dont curse at each other or use derogatory words (bitch, asshole) or say the other is stupid

but for a normal fight – it can be same day or next day before we’re takling again

i find it worrying that you need to lie to your husband about talking to male friend – that sounds very controlling to me and not normal

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