Post # 1
Short Version: If your man said something aweful to you during a fight how soon can you forgive him?
Full version: My Darling Husband gets offended when I talk to men, not flirt with, not touch, but talk too. Especially one particular friend from highschool who lives thousands of miles away and is married (obviously not a threat) Said friend from highschool called me last night to ask if I was going to another friends wedding, the entire conversation about 4 minuets long, nothing threateneing and Darling Husband was there for 90% of it. When I got off the phone Darling Husband asked who it was, I lied and said it was my friends wife that called to see if we were going to the wedding. Yes, I lied, and I admit that becuase last time this friend called me Darling Husband went on an absolute anger spree for days and I didn’t want to deal with that again… reguardless. He called me out on it hours later after consulting facebook blah, blah, blah, and Darling Husband went off. He ended up calling me names, really really hurtful names that are not even R rated and I am not going to re-type. He said that I was ‘crazier than my mother’ (my mother has an actual psychiatric disorder, I do not) He said many hurtful thinks like he resents ever marrying me, he hates his life with me and he can’t handle how I disresepect him by talking to other men behind his back. (DH has a history of getting jealous of male customers that come in to our coffee shop) Anyways…
On many occasions I have told my self that “the next time Darling Husband says ______ it will be the last” or “I don’t diserve to put up with _________, I can live without it” most of the time he appologizes and things are fine and we go back to normal, but a few of the things he said are still ringing in my head and I really don’t know if I can forgive him for them. Has this happened to anyone where you really didn’t think you would ever forgive the person? did you? can I?
sorry ladies, I know that there are a lot of really helpful bees on this site and I don’t really know where else to turn. Thank you in advance for any support you might be able to offer.
Post # 3
I cant be of help. My Darling Husband wouldnt call me names and I cant say I would ever let him. I had a Boyfriend or Best Friend once, for a very short while, that thought it was OK to yell and call me names. That ended very quickly.
I don’t think this is about forgiving, but about thinking about what kind of relationship you currently have and what kind you actually want and deserve and, then, how to go about achieving it.
Post # 4
@ThreeMeers: +1 that was a great answer. Maybe some counseling for just you? That way you can have someone else looking in to the everyday workings of your relationship. ((HUGS))
Post # 5
My husband did that to me for a long while. I wrote a huge post a month or so before we got married about all of it.
I finally told him how I felt, threatened to leave and it wasn’t until the talk, the counseling, all of it, that he has stopped.
Our relationship is so HEALTHY now!
I suggest talking to him about how this makes you feel, see how he reacts and go from there.
Post # 6
Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and agree with the other ladies. This doesn’t sound healthy. My Fiance would trust me if I slept in the same bed with another guy. It sounds like he is trying to control you, and that generally stems from a belief that he isn’t good enough to keep you without resorting to control. I would go see a counsellor, STAT.
As for forgiveness, I would say Fiance and I are very quick to forgive. We simmer down, have a chat about it, and then it’s done (and when I say “done” I don’t mean we stop talking about it for a while only to throw it in one another’s faces the next time we fight, I mean my friend asks me a week later how it all worked out and I had completely forgotten I was upset with him a week before kind of done).
Post # 7
I think there’s a big difference between saying something you regret in the heat of an argument, and saying things that are intentionally personally insulting and hurtful. For me, the first situation is much easier to forgive than the second.
Post # 8
if my Fiance ever siad anything like that to me i wouldnt marry him. but that doesnt help your situation much, all i can recoment is counceling for the both of you. hes overbearing a jealous and it scares you enough that you felt compeled to lie to spare yourself the onslought the truth would cause. Get help before it gets worse.
Post # 9
There are so many layers here. It goes beyond forgiveness, IMO.
On a side note – I think you can forgive someone completely but that doesn’t mean the pain of their actions goes away. Sometimes the pain of the action lingers for a very long time even though you may have forgiven them (in my book, to forgive means you release what’s rightful to you to ‘right’ a situation).
If I were in your shoes, I would address the root of the issue – which seems Darling Husband is controlling and jealous. You shouldn’t have to feel like you need to lie to Darling Husband because it avoids an argument.
What does your Darling Husband expect you to do when another man talks to you? I’m assuming you guys have discussed this ad naseum and come up with some compromise???
Post # 10
What you described is not a fight, but more like a three hour autopsy with character assassination and crying. I’m all for a good tangle with Mr. 99, but what you’ve got on your hands would never happen at our house. Time to take inventory girl, this guy sounds like a liability with no potential.
Post # 11
@cb336: +1. Something said in the heat of the moment is one thing, but if Mr. O said something about my medication (anxiety girl here!) not working, I would take that personally and probably get offended.
Name calling though would really, really bother me. I have to agree with PPs and say counseling may be a good idea.
Post # 12
Someone might be crazier than your mother, but its not you.
This guy has some serious anger issues. You lied because you’re scared of his reactions & that’s not good. He needs counseling pronto which would probably be easier with your help & support.
Post # 13
I forgive my husband quickly after a fight because he never says such horrible hurtful things.
That sounds awful. It’s hard to “unhear” those words. I would suggest counseling. Good luck.
Post # 15
I would not be quick to forgive any of that because it’s not acceptable behavior. FI and I fight very infrequently, and once it got to the point of name calling, we forgave each other after a few hours and vowed to NEVER EVER no matter how angry we were call each other names again – and we haven’t. If it happened frequently I would not be in a relationship with him anymore.
Your Fiance sounds controlling considering he gets THAT upset about you talking to your friend. You should not feel you have to lie to him to avoid him getting upset at you. That is NOT a healthy relationship. It will also perpetuate the cycle – you lie to avoid him getting mad, which makes him not trust you because you lied and makes him angry when he finds out you talk to this person…
He sounds like he needs serious help. I’m not saying you should leave, but I’d seriously consider individual and couples therapy if I were going to merely consider staying.
So sorry you’re going through this. You don’t NEED nor DESERVE this. Walking on egg shells for someone is no way to live!
Post # 16
mmm we established boundaries very early on – we dont curse at each other or use derogatory words (bitch, asshole) or say the other is stupid
but for a normal fight – it can be same day or next day before we’re takling again
i find it worrying that you need to lie to your husband about talking to male friend – that sounds very controlling to me and not normal