How Should I Even Bring this Up to Him? Should I just let it go? I'm angry.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
613 posts
Busy bee

avprobeauty :  Way to go!! Staying sober is an accomplishment in and of itself. And it’s awesome that you are sticking to it, going to school, and working. Don’t give up!

Talk to your bf.  I know you are doing counseling in a variety of places, but maybe couples counseling should be added to the list. It will help you guys work through this productively together.

I think it is really good to talk to your primary about meds. Many meds for treatment of depression cause low libido. See what you and he can determine is the best combo.

I know it’s hard, but hang in there. *hugs*

Post # 3
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’d talk to your doctor about a different form of birth control.  Maybe the Mirena IUD?  It has localized hormones so they basically kill off your period, but they don’t affect your whole body in the same way as the pill.  It’s not healthy for your relationship for you to have zero interest in sex.  How often do you guys get intimate?  If you do celebrate Valentine’s Day in any way shape or form, it’s a reasonable expectation of his that you’d have sex.  If you guys are getting busy a few times a week or more, then sure, days off are of course expected.  But if you already don’t have much sex, and you celebrate a holiday that is all about romance, and you still don’t…. I see the guy’s point. 

I only say this because maintaining a healthy sexual relationship (where both people feel happy and fulfilled by it, regardless of how often you do it) is super important for a long-term relationship.  If this is creating problems at 2 years in, then that’s troubling for the future 🙁

My former marriage ended in part due to this.  I wish I had dealt with it a lot earlier, because my lack of interest created so much resentment in my husband, which manifested by him being less loving and sweet to me, which of course made me even less interested in having sex with him… it’s a vicious cycle and it’s smart to get on top of it early.  It doesn’t end well otherwise.  

Sorry if any of this response is me projecting my previous experience onto you.  I just wish I’d been aware of how detrimental the dynamic is to a relationship, even when most other parts are wonderful.

PS congrats on your recovery!  

Post # 6
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’m sorry you’re going through this! I think talking to your doctor is a good step, and hopefully there are some adjustments that can be made. Congrats on your 8 months! Covet your sobriety over anything else, and if you feel like some other stress in your life might jeopardize that, then cut it out and keep focusing on your recovery! You got this. 

Post # 7
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Well done on your recovery! And for going to therapy/counseling.

yYou should be super proud of yourself!

To be honest, it doesn’t sound like you are in a great place, nor your relationship, so it doesn’t seem like a great idea to even think about getting engaged right now? 

I agree with PPs regarding looking into other forms of birth control – it’s the only way to find out if your lack of drive is caused by the pill or not. Like kittyyogi said, sex is an important part of a relationship and it’s important that both partners feel loved and connected. While it’s normal for drives to differ and fluctuate, it’s good that your SO raised that he was feeling like his expectations are not being met. You should also talk about a timeline to move forward, but honestly, in my opinion, life gets more stressful for a while once you get engaged and plan a wedding, so be in a good space before it happens! It doesn’t magically fix anything. 

Strength to you, Bee, and just keep practicing good self care. Eat a healthy diet, get outdoors, spend time with good friends, get enough sleep etc. cut down on tv/series etc or anything that wastes too much time. Most people’s sex life are linked to how healthy and energised they feel. You can do this!!

also just want to say be kind to yourself – sounds like you’re doing your best, and that’s all anyone can expect. I’m sure your SO understands this too. I’m sure you guys can work through this.

Post # 8
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club

avprobeauty :  first of all, congratulations on 8 months of recovery! Keep your head up, you’re stronger than you know! 

I would have a talk with SO about timelines. Sit down and discuss how you are very ready for this next step and would like clarification on how soon that will be. Within 3 months, or whatever timeline you agree on. Don’t stress over the proposal. Let it happen. If he doesn’t meet the timeline discussed, then have a follow up and explain how disappointing it is for you.

As for the text, I would say something like “Hey, I’m really overwhelmed with my schedule. I didn’t intend to upset you, but my schedule has been exhausting. That message just made me feel really sour because I feel like you had no consideration of my feelings.”

Post # 9
6588 posts
Bee Keeper

FWIW we had no vd sex either lol. But we don’t have much time on weekdays, so I dont think he expected it? Id be pissed if I got a text like that too!

Post # 14
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I’d be pissed to get a text like that too. Just feels so guilt-trippy and whiny. Like there’s a way to bring up sexual dissatisfaction in a relationship, which is a completely valid issue – but a pouty text is not the right approach imo. It’s a convo that needs to be handled more delicately in person – ESPECIALLY given all you’ve gone through lately with your recovery and what not. 

Post # 15
4496 posts
Honey bee

I don’t claim to be an expert in recovery, but from a couple if friends who have I know that the recovery programs they attend (one might be AA, the other NA) recomends no major relationship changes for at least one year.  This means if you aren’t in a relationship, don’t get in one and if you are dating don’t move it forward until a minimum of one year sobriety without relapse (i.e. do not move in or get engaged/married).  The idea is to live the reality you have while sober first and obtaining stability.  It may be a good idea to shelve expectations of a proposal/engagement until you are further along in your sobriety and perhaps done with school.  You have a lot on your plate and relieving yourself of that immediate expectation may help instead of just being another thing to stress about or be disappointed by.

Does your partner attend al-anon?  If he doesn’t, it may help him put things into perspective and figure out how to cope with the changes first your drinking and now your sobriety are having for him as well.

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