How should I feel about my fiance being shallow?

posted 11 months ago in Full Figured
Post # 2
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

Attraction is attraction. I would say that I hope physical attraction is not the only attraction that you pay attention to.

I would say that it is not shallow to find obesity unattractive. It is, however, shallow if you’re entire bases for attraction is appearance based. Looks fade and people gain and lose weight but a person you can’t connect with intellectually and emotionally will make your life miserable.

Post # 3
Member
3607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

ashuri :  to be perfectly blunt, at 270 pounds you’re still fat. so i’m not sure what relevance the 30 pound difference plays here? did you used to be 150, and now you’re 300? i dont get it.

putting your fiance and his feelings aside entirely – you should look into ways to lose the weight FOR YOURSELF. you’re not just “fat”, you’re super unhealthy. women can be “fat” (by cultural definitions) and still be fit and healthy. but you cannot be obese and healthy. this isn’t about looking pretty on your wedding day – it’s about making positive changes in your life so that you have one.

Post # 4
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

 agree with above… 270 is still overweight.  If he thinks you look hotter at that weight, I wouldn’t call that shallow… I’d call that human. 

That said,  stressing won’t help.  I’ve been obese and thin and everything in between.  Finding a guy who loves you at a high weight is wonderful. So enjoy that and focus on getting healthy for you. 

What helped me is pretending I got a surgery.  I figured if I got a surgery to help, I’d have to be on a liquid diet for months… so I used that mindset of “having” to eat small healthy portions and cut out the bad stuff to fuel my lifestyle.  Eating out or bad wasn’t possible due to medical necessity. Good food was my medicine. Food is fuel not fun became my mantra. 

 

Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
4417 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

ashuri :  Your fiancé isn’t shallow. He probably wants you to be healthy and at 300 pounds you are putting added pressure and stress on your body which isn’t healthy in the long term. 

I used to weigh the same as you. Its been a long journey that I’ve chipped away at but I’m finally at a healthy BMI. My husband has loved me at every weight but he’s a lot happier that I’ve taken steps to be healthier and have eliminated something that has been linked to an increased chance of disease and early death. 

OP, he told you he loves you but maybe you should really sit down and have an open honest chat with him about this. You are automatically assigning his answer as him being shallow and putting emphasis on the physical appearance. His answer had probably more to do with your health as opposed to your weight. He probably also knows you well enough to know thst if you got married at your current weight, you would not feel as happy as you would want on your wedding day. He’s with you and he wants to marry you. Don’t automatically assign his truth to being about looks. I know you’re hurt but if he’s always been supportive of you then try and see his words as him caring about you because that is most probably where they came from. They probably weren’t the best and most sensitive choice of words but they were said with love for you at forefront.

Best wishes OP, honestly I know a journey towards better health is hard but it is so worth it when a flight of stairs doesn’t defeat you or a parking bay a few hundred meters walk away from the door doesn’t fill you with dread. I spent a lot of time working out how to live my life around my size without letting on to those around me that was what I was doing. That was no fun. 

Post # 6
Member
1153 posts
Bumble bee

I too am a little puzzled, 270 v 300 lb isn’t a massive difference, surely if he proposed then, he didn’t care about your weight then nor should he now? His answer doesn’t really make sense, maybe you missed some parts of his answer? Did he actually say he DOES care about your weight on the day of the wedding and wished you’d lose some weight before saying he’s sorry he’s shallow?

How do you feel about yourself? I think that is the more important question. It’s not even about looks. Ignoring any comparison to super models and celebrities, I think most people who are significantly overweight and are unhappy about it is because they KNOW they’re unhealthy and feel powerless about it. Because making a change seem so hard.

I think you will make so much difference to the way you look and feel if you just make an effort (any effort) to eat healthier and exercise more even just a little from now to the wedding, except of course if you have a health condition that prevents you from losing weight. You’ll be amazed how much can be achieved in just 3 months let alone you have 6 months. But don’t do it just to look good for one day, do it to feel better about your health, to feel more confident. 

As for the dress, how long is it going to take to make? Can you still get it altered closer to the wedding day if you lose weight?

I would make an effort to make a lifestyle change rather than a temporary superficial weight loss. I wouldn’t even set a goal weight, and purely focus on health. I think you will find that weight will naturally come off when you change your lifestyle and you will naturally feel more confident about your looks.

Post # 7
Member
10432 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ashuri :  

Bee, 270-300 lbs requires expert intervention. This is way beyond 15 pounds from too much junk food and video games.  Sheer willpower might go somewhere in those cases.

But, please, do not try to do this alone.

It is entirely possible to have a food addiction that is just like an addiction to substances.  It’s trickier to work with because you can’t just go cold turkey on food.

Have you had a thorough physical exam? If not, that would be step one.  Make sure you’re healthy and there’s no medical condition getting in your way. Also, many meds, including psychotropics and antihistamines can cause weight gain.

Trying to overcome this level of overeating via willpower isn’t likely to work.  It’s going to require medical supervision and intervention.

Deal with this now, Bee, while you’re still young and can lose weight fairly easily.

You seem to be in a bit of denial, Bee. You’re thinking your SO found your attractive at 270, but not 300.  As others have noted, there is not much difference.

Start with your primary care doctor.  Get some support, Bee. You have a tough slog ahead, but it’s well worth it.

Post # 8
Member
926 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think he said anything wrong. He loves you and as a PP said, there is absolutely nothing shallow about finding obesity unattractive. 

Post # 9
Member
2133 posts
Buzzing bee

ashuri :  bee, I know you didn’t come here for a lecture on your weight, so I won’t go there; however, please know that some of the bees are coming from a good place with their advice and aren’t trying to be mean…we all often get advice here that we didn’t initially ask for, but just understand that this is a very supportive community and oftentimes, being supportive comes with hearing harsh realities that we didn’t want to acknowledge at first.

 

moving on to what you actually asked: it is normal for you to feel hurt when you went to him expecting reassurance but ended up getting a *completely* different response than you were anticipating. it is normal to feel all the pressures from society to lose weight, only to run to your comfort zone and realize that he basically feels the same way about appearance and weight as everyone else does. it sucks—I know. but you also cannot call him shallow, as we’re human and physical attraction is a normal, biological drive—regardless of whether that physical attraction is driven by societal standards, the ever changing standards of how women should look on social media, or influenced by culture or friends and family. physical attraction is still important, so he is not wrong.

 

now, as I said it is only natural for you to feel hurt, you have a few of options moving forward:

 

1.) work on yourself so that you can hopefully restore the physical attraction between you and your FH

2.) let the relationship end because you don’t want to change—then go out and try to find someone who is attracted to you for what you currently look like, not just what you *could* look like

3.) live the rest of your life with your new husband feeling insecure and undesirable to him because you still don’t want to lose weight

 

it really is all up to you. but the thing about weight loss is: it doesn’t matter what other people think. you won’t be able to do it until you make up in YOUR mind that it is time (if that is even something that you want to do).

 

good luck, bee.

Post # 10
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

I think any time we asked our SO or close friends & family about our weight/looks it’s a loaded question & we will never like the answer. The fact that the question is even asked is an indication that you already know the answer but looking for validation outside yourself. I’ve been there, I understand very well. At my highest I was ~250lbs and small daily changes are what worked for me because they compound over time. Alot of times we focus on the long term when it is the daily choices we make that matter. Take it day by day. Getting medical help is always a great option, you need some sort of support system.

Healthier is always going to be attractive, even if your over or under weight, it’s biological. Culture/society warps theses things to the extreme but healthy should always be the goal and attantainable. 

 

Post # 11
Member
9573 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Don’t ask questions you might not like the answer to. 

You seem to have been big for sometime (whole relationship?) and he still is with you and wants to marry you, so no, I wouldn’t call him shallow. Even though it stings, sometimes a little honesty is what we need to get our butts in gear. 

I say this as someone at their largest weight who is struggling to get my ass in gear and drop the pounds.

Post # 12
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

Honestly, I might feel confused if I were you. From where I sit, he didn’t answer the question, not directly. I also wonder about the relationship leading up to this point. I mean, he asked you to spend your life with him when you were fat. Why would he then expect you not to be fat at the wedding? Sounds like this warrants more discussion before y’all commit to each other forever.

Post # 13
Member
4987 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

It’s pointless to ask questions like this, particularly when you’re going to get upset about the answer.

Everyone is attracted to different things but ultimately a lot of people find an in shape person more attractive than when carrying a lot of extra weight. I don’t think that’s necessarily shallow or bad. Shallow is only caring about the outside but it’s stupid to believe that people don’t care about the outside at all.

It sounds like he isn’t going to leave you at the altar because you now weigh 300lbs. However you should probably look at this for your health, when did you get engaged? 30lbs is a serious amount of weight gain in a short space of time.

Post # 14
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

His comment about being “shallow” is weird… is there any more context to it?? I mean.. when he proposed you were 270 lb… so still quite overweight… I’m not seeing how he could consider himself shallow when he has decided to marry a woman who falls pretty far outside society’s narrow definition of beauty. (I’m sorry – I am trying to figure out how to word that nicely but this is the best I came up with). I don’t imagine that if he is attracted to you at 270 that suddenly 300 is disgusting to him. That would be weird. There is a world of difference between someone who’s 270 gaining 30 lb and someone who’s 120 gaining 30 lb… the latter is a fundamental change to the person’s body size, shape, etc. So that comment would make more sense coming from a guy whose GF/fiance used to be petite but gained weight (still not cool tho).

Post # 15
Member
1644 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

 Hi Bee, 

I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone and there are support groups that are like AA but they have ‘overeaters anonymous’ and also there is ‘smart recovery’ which is online.

The smart recovery online is really cool because it’s a chat room with voice and it gives you tools and a support group of people going through the same thing. So it’s people to talk to who can totally relate and will really understand what you’re going through. It’s really good to have someone to talk to when you have a struggle or obstacle in life. 

I think that could be really beneficial to you since some people on here might not be experiencing the same thing as you are in your life right now and may be coming off as being overly harsh and judgy, not realizing how difficult the struggle is. 

I hope you look into!

Good luck Bee, 

 

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