How should I feel about my fiance being shallow?

posted 11 months ago in Full Figured
Post # 16
Member
6147 posts
Bee Keeper

He loved you at 300, and at 270, still loves you at 300, and you are secure that he’ll marry you. Not sure what makes him shallow? 

At a certain point weight becomes a health issue. Are you happy where you are? Do you want to have children some day? If YOU aren’t happy with your weight then YOU should see a doctor and make some changes. He doesn’t seem to be the person with the issue here, Bee. You are the one who has to either decide that you are happy and confident where you are or make changes so that you can be.

Post # 17
Member
1457 posts
Bumble bee

I see the fat shamers are out in force today.

I won’t go into your health or your weight – you know your issues.  Did your Fiance say that he would mind or just that he was shallow?  In reading your question, it’s not really clear.

No mater what you do, you need to learn to be friends with your body and do what you need to do, even if your Fiance turns out to be a shallow jerk.

Post # 18
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

 

bywater :  Thanks for speaking up. I agree – I’m more concerned about the OP’s mental health from all the fat shaming than their physical health. 

It is possible to be healthy at any size! Ashuri, you are ok as you are! You are worthy of love and acceptance from yourself and anyone you choose to share your life with. 

 

Post # 19
Member
4987 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

thefuturedrat :  what exactly was fat shaming about any of the previous comments? Most of them were basically saying it’s okay if her fiancé prefers her at 270lbs than at 300lbs and it’s okay to have physical preferences but that it doesn’t sound like she has anything to worry about regarding her fiance’s priorities and their wedding day. 

It seems like you have to completely avoid mentioning weight even when that’s basically the topic of the post or you’re an evil fat shamer. 

Post # 20
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee

thefuturedrat :  No. No it’s not “possible to be healthy at any size.”

I am as body positive as they come, but 300 lbs is obese. That is not fat shaming. That is stating a fact. 

Post # 21
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

zzar45 :  All the comments about the OP’s weight being unhealthy and that they need “expert intervention” for starters. That is not what the original post was even about. The OP was asking how to handle the fiance’s reaction that did not provide the reassurance they were looking for and how to deal with the societal pressure to lose weight for the wedding. 

Post # 23
Member
1457 posts
Bumble bee

zzar45 :   duchessgummybunns :  Pull weight OUT of the equation of help.  What advice would you give a Bee who wasn’t overweight?  She’s not asking about her weight, she’s asking about her Fiance.

Post # 24
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry you’re going through this.  You should have told him that he must not have minded that much that you’d be fat at the wedding because he proposed to you when you were already overweight.   He’s very much welcome to his preferences and I can’t fault him for telling the truth, but honestly if he’s marrying you with expectations that you’ll one day be skinny, then he’s dumb. You might very well get skinny one day.  You might not.   

 

 

 

 

Post # 25
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

ashuri :  We can’t tell you how you should feel. You’re obviously hurt and upset. That’s okay. You’re allowed to feel whatever your natural response is.

Perhaps your fiancé should have sugar-coated the answer for you, but you asked him a direct question and he gave you a direct answer. If you don’t feel good about your weight, try to do something about it. I don’t think your fiancé means to sound shallow, though. Unless you’ve put on a lot of weight since he first met you, he’s always loved you and been attracted to you for who you are. 

Post # 26
Member
4987 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

thefuturedrat :  No, it is not fat shaming to say that being 300lbs is unhealthy. I’m not replying to you and adding to derailing OPs thread again but I’m sorry it’s completely ridiculous to say that is fat shaming and to call out posters for it. Is it “shaming” to tell someone who smokes 80 a day that habit is unhealthy? Is it “shaming” to tell an alcoholic that drinking that amount is unhealthy for them?

I also don’t think it’s shaming to tell her not to get wrapped up in losing weight for the wedding, but she really should consider a lifestyle change for her health because 300lbs isn’t just fat it is clinically morbidly obese. 

Post # 27
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee

thefuturedrat :  Exactly how is it helpful to tell an obese person that she is healthy? Or to call people who are stating the fact that 300 lbs = obese “fat shamers”? 

You do the body positivity movement a disservice.

The reason SO MANY people are focusing on OP’s weight is that she seems to be turning a blind eye to it. The title of her post calls her partner “shallow” simply for stating that he would be happier if she weren’t so overweight when they marry. 

bywater :  Your logic is confusing in the extreme. HOW to you take weight out of a topic that is ABOUT weight?!?!

OP’s ENTIRE post is about her weight. Her own feelings about it, her partner’s feelings about it. She calls him shallow for prefering his partner become healthier before their wedding. Obviously, this needs to be addressed. 

No one can answer “how she should feel about her fiance being shallow” because… he’s NOT shallow. He’s sensible. And practical. And in the vast majority.

Post # 28
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

And who is putting this pressure on you?  As a plus sized bride, lots of people tried to give me opinions about what I should wear, what exercises I should be doing blah blah blah.  Before they got started, I’d tell them that I wasn’t open to suggestions.  I wound up getting in great shape for my wedding but didn’t need a bunch of unsolicited advice from lay people about what I needed to be doing.  

Post # 29
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

duchessgummybunns :  How is she turning a blind eye to it?  According to her weight loss is giving her anxiety so it seems that she thinks about it quite a bit.

 

And I don’t think I saw anyone call her healthy.  There were, however, a bunch of people calling her unhealthy or alluding that she is without having seen a single chart or test result and telling her she needs to seek medical intervention or join an over eaters anonymous.  

Post # 30
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

zzar45 :  Unless you are the OP’s doctor, it is inappropriate to be making assessments about someone’s health based on limited information. 

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