How should I feel about my fiance being shallow?

posted 1 year ago in Full Figured
Post # 31
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

cassiegirl :  I’m sure it does give her plenty of anxiety. But she’s projecting all that anxiety onto her fiance and making him the “shallow” bad guy instead of owning up to the fact that shes unhappy with herself. It’s why she asked him the question in the first place. She wanted an external enemy to be upset with.

Post # 32
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

duchessgummybunns :  She’s making him an external enemy?  Projecting all the anxiety on to him?  How you got all of that from a 152 word post and from a commenter with 1 post to their screen name is beyond me. 

Post # 33
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee

thefuturedrat :  Literally obesity = disease. 

So. You don’t need to know any other thing about a person in order to state that they are unhealthy. 

That’s like saying you can’t observe that a person with COPD is unhealthy without seeing their medical charts.

Post # 34
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

duchessgummybunns :  Unhealthy is not a diagnosis, it is a judgment. One that is not helpful to the OP and does not add anything to this conversation. 

Post # 35
Member
318 posts
Helper bee

OP, you have enough people commenting on being healthy so I’m going to skip that part other than only you and your doctor knows your health condition at your current weight. 

It sounds like you suffer from insecurities stemming from your weight and I’m sure you know it’s not uncommon no matter what your scale says. Unfortunately beauty standards have become a joke but at least nowadays people are learning more about body positivity and learning to love yourself, no matter your size. I’m not 100% happy with my chubby body but I learned by making progress my way, I’m learning to love myself as a whole. I don’t follow any fad diet, I just do things that makes me happy and see myself in a better light. 

With that said, good job on losing the 30 lbs to begin with and I can empathize on the disappointment you may feel from gaining ti back. Yes 30 lbs is significant, you lost 10% of your weight but it doesn’t change your body drastically. Your fiancee loved you and proposed at 270 and he loved you when you were 300 before that and he loves you now at 300. Asking him about you being a fat bride stems from your self image and insecurities unless he was the first to say something about your weight for the wedding. That doesn’t make him shallow. I’m afraid your insecurities are projecting onto him as guilt in a way. It can be as simple as finding a thinner girl attractive and he can probably sense your unhappiness with your weight and feel shallow and guilty. 

Your fiancee isn’t shallow if he just finds thinner girls attractive and that does not mean he’s not attracted to you. You can’t marry someone you’re not attracted to when you have a choice. He loves you as a whole, that’s why he wants to marry you. 

What you need to work on is not how to deal with the fact that you or your fiancee think he’s shallow. You need to work on being happy with yourself. Whether that means just seeing yourself in a positive light as you are now or losing some weight and seeing improvements and being happy that way, that’s up to you. But once you love yourself, you won’t even care what other people think. Yes, you want your man to find you attractive and we all go out of our way sometimes to do something extra to make that happen but again, he is already attracted to you. 

If he fat shames you or says he’s not attracted to you, I would seriously consider leaving him. You don’t need that kind of negativity. You need someone who loves you as you are and supportive. If he brings up weight loss, there is a difference between wanting it to be for physical appearance and wanting it for health reasons. If you suffer from any health issue because of your weight and he mentions weight loss for that reason only, that’s being concerned about the woman he loves, not wanting you to look a certain way.

Good luck and take care of yourself first and foremost.

Post # 36
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

ashuri : I am with you, girl. I honestly, think, though, that this is truly more of a reflection of how you feel about yourself, than how he feels about you. You lost 30 pounds, and it probably felt great. And he noticed. Not only did your body change a bit, I’m sure your whole demeanor changed too. You were feeling better, and that reflected in every aspect of your life. My fi loves me the way I am right now. But we often talk about getting healthy, because that matters. It is overwhelming, the whole process is. And then I yoyo and I feel good, and then I feel like absolute tish when it comes back. Your fi is trying to be honest about how he feels without being offensive. It is easy for ladies like us to get worked up over our partner’s real concern. I urge you to talk with him, and have a real conversation about this. You cannot do it alone, and you need to know he has your back. You need to know exactly how he feels, and he needs to feel like he can safely discuss this with you. Also, you have time. Start now. The dress isn’t nearly as important as health. I bought my dress way too early, and I didn’t focus on my health because I didn’t want to have to worry about crazy alterations with the dress. Isn’t that silly? 

Post # 37
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

duchessgummybunns :  I am as body positive as they come, but 300 lbs is obese. That is not fat shaming. That is stating a fact. 

“The title of her post calls her partner “shallow” simply for stating that he would be happier if she weren’t so overweight when they marry. “And he’s NOT shallow. He’s sensible. And practical. And in the vast majority.

Body positivity SPECIFICALLY means acceptance and appreciation of all body types. You can’t claim to be as ‘body positive as they come’ in one sentence and then in the next say that her husband is sensible and in the majority for not liking her body because it’s too big.

I get where people are coming from on the health issue, but there’s a way to handle this topic with a lot more delicacy and tact than some posters have (not all). Often telling people with weight issues to ‘just lose weight’ is like telling a depressed person to ‘just cheer up’. Pretending that you’re concerned about her physical and mental health while you tell her she should be less accepting of her body is just not helpful.

 

Post # 39
Member
2019 posts
Buzzing bee

No comment on your actual weight because it’s been covered. Personally, I know about myself that when I am at a weight I feel good about, my personality is wildly different. I am more confident, happier, more outgoing…the list goes on. If you are uncomfortable and anxious about losing weight, I am sure that comes through in other areas of your life. I would guess that physically, you don’t look wildly different at 270 vs 300. Your emotional and mental health may be SUPER different at those two, weights though! 

Post # 40
Member
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

ashuri :  you have to do what makes YOU feel the best. Since you’re asking him loaded questions about your weight, that says to me that you’re not feeling your best at your current size (regardless of health). You’re looking to him to validate something you already know you’re uncomfortable with. If you’re happy at your weight now then you’ll be a beautiful bride no matter your size! If not, then you need to make a change for yourself, not for him, for you! I don’t doubt that he loves you, and as some other bee’s have said, when you lost the 30lbs, you probably felt better, were more confident and he loved seeing you that way. His comment about “I love you, but I am shallow” seems like he felt guilty for thinking that you’d be happier if you weighed less. But at the end of the day, you’re the only one that can decide what will make you happiest and it can’t be based on what others think, even if it’s your fiance. 

Post # 41
Member
10020 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

ashuri :  You are really beautiful!  You will be a gorgeous bride at any weight, even if you don’t lose another pound you will still look beautiful on your wedding day.

Based on your update I would say this – chalk it up to men say stupid things sometimes.  My husband hurt my feelings once, said something stupid – literally years ago – and it still hurts my feelings to this day if I think about it, lol.  He doesn’t know that and he apologized at the time, so as far as he knows I’m over it.  I don’t think your fiance is shallow, really, or meant to hurt you. 

The bottom line is if you want to lose weight you can’t do it for anyone besides yourself.  It is not easy!  Make small changes at first and don’t let yourself start feeling deprived.  You will find what works for you.  Hugs!

Post # 42
Member
4910 posts
Honey bee

ashuri :  Hi there. I wasn’t going to  comment until I saw the super harsh responses on here. So I’m overweight too. I’m 197 on a five foot four frame  carried mostly in my middle. I have been told for certain conditions to heal I need to lose a significant amount of weight. It’s a huge struggle for me. I have an injury and other health conditions too so it’s hard. Plus a bad skin discoloration on my face and I’m just not feeling pretty. I know the feeling of “am I good enough?” And its toxic to your mind so you need to learn to love yourself as is. At 300. At 270. Even if you want to lose weight you need to love yourself each step of the way. I still struggle with it myself but each day is a new day. So here’s my thoughts. 

Your Fiance needs to be in your corner. My husband tells me every single day that I’m beautiful to him. It helps so much even if some days I don’t believe it. If he will be your husband he needs to be in your corner. Tell you you’re beautiful because you are. Society will beat you down enough and nobody needs that at home.

So you sound healthier than me at the moment. But for me I need to exercise to build muscle strength and bone. So my husband encourages me to do my exercises. He wants me to be healthy. He says he is working on losing weight eating smaller dinners and encourages me to do similar. I am trying. So hard. The scale creeps up still but I feel better. 

Only you know your relationship. So you’ll have to try and separate your self thoughts from what your Fiance is saying. It’s hard but you have to make sure you’re not adding context and tone and extra thoughts into what he said. I’m not 100% clear on what his response was from what you wrote so I can’t comment on that. 

Take care!!

Post # 43
Member
9853 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ashuri :  I don’t know what to tell you to make you feel better because honestly, nothing is going to make you not remember that comment. But I did want to tell you that I think you’re a pretty lady and you’re going to look great on your wedding day no matter if you lose the weight or not. 

Post # 44
Member
2080 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Honestly, I see an OP who is saying that her Fiance would prefer that she lose weight in order to be more attractive to him (his own comment was that he was shallow, not hers). Most of the comments have been along the lines of, “well, you are unattractive. It’s only natural to be unattracted to an obese person. He’s right.” It also seems most people think OP has no idea of the health consequences possible at her weight. OP, you are beautiful and I know you are aware that losing weight would be good for your health in general. I would suspect that is true for half or more of us on this site. Being fat does not mean you are automatically unattractive (as many here seem to think), or that you deserve to be told your Fiance should find you unattractive.  I know you will look beautiful on your wedding day, and I think your Fiance will only have eyes for you. 

Post # 45
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

All these comments make me sad. A person who is “morbidly obese” knows that it is not healthy long term existance. It doesn’t need to be pointed out. Also, no one walks around and goes “I’m morbidly obese.” We all say “I’m fat.” 

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