How should I feel about my fiance being shallow?

posted 11 months ago in Full Figured
Post # 46
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

It’s funny how many people here posted weight loss advice and comments about your health as if that’s what you were asking for. Fat-shaming is alive and well around the bee.

Anyways, in regards to your actual question, I firmly believe that the person you marry should love you as you are. My weight has fluctuated +/- 80 pounds throughout my 13 year relationship. Never once has my wife suggested I was unattractive or that I should lose weight. Marriage is for better or worse, sickness and health, until death do you part. It’s not contingent on your weight. IF and only IF you feel you need to shed some pounds, that’s something that should come from inside of YOU and not based on someone else’s comments or percieved notions of whats healthy/unhealthy. If your Fiance can’t take you as you are, that’s HIS problem, not yours.

PS- I think you’re beautiful 🙂

Post # 47
Member
1748 posts
Bumble bee

mimivac :  I cannot find a single comment that says the OP is unattractive. You can’t just change what people say to prove your point. I think there’s also a huge difference in finding someone physically attractive and being unattracted to one’s poor health choices.

Post # 48
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

Also, i think it’s fine and not shallow for husbands to have opinions or preferences on appearances. I prefer how my husband looks without a beard, that doesn’t make me shallow. I like that my husband is in shape because 1) i think he looks hot and 2) I like that we can do a lot of activities together. If he was 300 pounds I would of course still love and adore him, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a preference.

My husband likes my hair long and he hates red lipstick. I haven’t asked, but I’m sure he likes me better when I am happy with myself because I am more fun to be around that way.  You can look drop dead sexy and confident at a certain weight or you can look uncomfortable, anxious and upset at the same weight. It is not shallow or fat shaming or bad. Maybe he could have phrased it more tactfully but I don’t think he deserves being labeled as shallow.

Post # 49
Member
489 posts
Helper bee

ashuri :  Girl!!! First off you carry your weight well!! You are Beautiful. To answer your question on how to get over the hurt from your Fiance answer. The main thing that should stay on your mind is he LOVES you.

I think you shouldn’t ask him these types of questions cause you are just setting him up. Think about it, how was your relationship with him before you asked him that question? Were you happy just knowing he loves you? If your answer is yes. Then nothing has really changed between you.

Don’t ever ask him these types of questions. Be happy with the relationship you already have. Has he ever brought up anything like this before you asked this question? If No,then it’s not him having any issues it’s you. I know we all want to look our best on our wedding day. That part has to come from you.

The only way not to go through this again, is to LOVE yourself. Therefore, there won’t be a need for these types of questions. 

Just take this situation as lesson learned. And move  on and be happy. Life is just to short to be hung up on the small stuff. 

Best wishes to you Bee.😊

Post # 50
Member
886 posts
Busy bee

I think this was your fiancée’s clumsy/not-so-subtle attempt to tell you that he thinks you should lose weight. It is only natural that you would feel hurt by this because you hear your fiancée basically criticizing your appearance, and that hurts a lot. I had a similar situation with my own husband at one point, where he said something about my weight. I was really really hurt by it. I don’t think he meant anything by it, or wanted to hurt me, but he had a point I guess, and I got over the hurt feelings eventually. We feel hurt because we want our partners to think we are beautiful. I’m sure your fiancée thinks you are beautiful just the way you are. I think you are beautiful!  I would have a talk with him about how his comment made you feel, and see if you can feel better after that. 

Post # 51
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee

I can’t tell you how you should feel about his response. I don’t know that I understand his response myself. I think that appearance and weight is a sensitive issue, and it sounds like you may not be happy with your own weight. This is unfortunately common, and there are many women who fall into the “normal” weight range who are not happy with their appearance. Are you disappointed that you gained the weight back? I think that it may help to decide your weightloss goals for yourself (if this is a goal for you) instead of inquiring about your fiance’s weightloss goals for you. 

Post # 52
Member
1274 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

ashuri :  You are beautiful, inside and out.  It sounds like your fiancé really loves you.  I’d talk through his response more, just be honest with him about how you feel too.  If you ask for his shame and vulnerability, try to gives yours in return.

Now.. get out of this hell hole forum and consult doctors who can advise you on the other topics mentioned in this forum.  I have bad body dysmorphia and am working through that with professionals.  Learned a lot by no help of strangers without all of the details. 

Much love. <3 

Post # 53
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

ashuri :  Holy shit, girl, you are gorgeous! Personally, I cried in front of my husband, then-boyfriend, when he pointed out my weight. I didn’t ask and he chose a very inappropriate time to mention it to me.

But because you asked him due to bugs in your ears, he ended up being honest. So, the thing to do first is to express to him that he hurt your fucking feelings, that shallow asshole.

Then really sit and think about how you feel about yourself. If you know you’re bad and the insecurity comes from other people who are telling you what to be, you have to ignore the noise. But if you don’t feel good to you, you have the power to change that. And then you can go ask him to lose weight for you, too. Lol

Post # 54
Member
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

There’s a difference between beautiful and healthy.   Of course you’re beautiful.   You can be beautiful at any size.  You can’t be healthy at any size and I do think you’re in a little bit of denial if you think you can out run, out lift, and out hike, almost anyone on here while morbidly obese.  I understand it though because I had that same denial when I was overweight.   But believe me, once I was at a healthy weight I saw and felt the difference.  I’m also questioning any medical doctor who would think you would be at too low a body fat at 200 lbs.  (Unless you’re literally 7 feet tall) All that aside, people get married at all sizes and you will be beautiful on your wedding day.  Your fiance, although he’d prefer you lose weight,  will also find you beautiful.  

Post # 55
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee

Gotta love it when people offer unsolicited advice regarding your health as if they know you or your medical history. Didn’t realize the bee was so heavily staffed with doctors, therapists and nutritionists at the ready for us fatties who don’t know any better. *eye roll*

OP, i get it. A struggle with one’s weight is never over despite dropping pounds and it is emotionally exhausting. I will be honest, i am in a state where weight loss is just too damn difficult for me to focus on right now. I hold onto every ounce without fail unless i really cut down to 1200 cal or less, so i have to be really aware of what i put in my mouth. I have always been that way and it can be so defeating. Layer on the comments from the ones you love and strangers on the internet and it can be quite painful. 

You need to first love yourself no matter what size you happen to be and go from there. 

Post # 56
Member
1457 posts
Bumble bee

duchessgummybunns :  Her entire post is NOT about weight.  It’s about how to deal with her Fiance.  

Most people see ‘fat person’ and assume that 100% of their problems are due to, wait for it, being fat.  Guess what, being fat doesn’t define you.  I believed it did.  I listened to the doctors and had surgery, but when I didn’t respond as expected, they did further testing and found a barrage of other problems that they’d dismissed as “Bywater just needs to lose weight’.   Turned out that I have massive autoimmune and intolerance issues – if someone had focused on something other than my morbid obesity, I might not have needed surgery and I might have a normal life.  

I promise you that people who are morbidly obese, or obese, or super morbidly obese KNOW that they’re fat and KNOW that they have health problems and the potential for more health problems.  Beating them over the head doesn’t do anything but make the person doing the beating feel better.

Post # 57
Member
10413 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Fat shaming is when Bees make posts pontificating about the evils of obesity, and try to make believe they just want to help.  So, what is the person who brought up the weight issue supposed to do?

What?!  A bunch of extra weight isn’t good for me?!  You’re kidding!  I had no idea!

It reminds me of people who insist on lecturing smokers about how bad smoking is for them.  Unless they have spent the past 47 years in a tree-top monastery in Tibet, they already know smoking is bad.  You’re not helping.  You’re nagging.  And very annoying. 

Weight issues are a mine field. Giving someone advice on diet and exercise is fine when we’re talking about the person who feels the need to drop a few. But, when we get to serious obesity, it’s pure folly. Nobody gets to an extremely high body weight unless there are issues. Yes, maybe some extra-heavy people eat too much.  But, what is the driver? What causes someone to jeapordize their health to such an extent?

We also have to be aware of eating disorders. It can take very little to trigger an ED in someone who is predisposed. 

We shouldn’t be encouraging people who are seriously obese to attempt to fight it on their own.  There are other issues in play.

And I agree, OP is quite lovely.

Post # 58
Member
2524 posts
Sugar bee

ashuri :  Can’t tell how tall you are, but not too long ago, I weighed 270 at 5’4” on a VERY small frame. Fact is, I was both old AND reasonably healthy.

I decided to lose weight because I WAS concerned that because of my age, I might not be able to be the best grandma I could be. I designed a program for myself that I could do comfortably, and did it.

We are all responsible for OUR OWN health. I’m betting that most of the posters in this thread do not, and never have,

weighed what you and I have weighed.

The most loving, adorable, generous, kind person on earth is not IN CHARGE of your size, and is not entitled to comment on it either. If he is saying something about your size which even vaguely implies that he wants your size to be different, you need to initiate a conversation with him and establish your size as only yours.

If he is not able to accept this as your reality, it will continue to be a part of your life as long as you are together. I have had an eating disorder for decades, Darling Husband and I began dating when I was VERY thin, and we lived successfully with it our whole married life, because he loved me enough to deal with the fact that it was off limits in conversation.

People who are not morbidly obese or super morbidly obese are unable to understand the complexities of  “being there”.

BY THE WAY, OP, YOU ARE a VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

Post # 59
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

oceangirl40 :  Did you even look at her pictures? She doesn’t look “morbidly obese” to me. Stop being mean.

OP – if you’re concerned about your health, talk to your GP. If you’re not, then ignore all these Bees. As for your Fiance, I still am not understanding his comment about being shallow. I think you should talk to him and straight up ask what he was trying to say. He obviously loves you just the way you are. You weren’t model thin when he proposed so I highly doubt he expects you to be now. Maybe he felt defensive in the moment because he felt like you were implying he was not happy with how you look? I don’t know – I don’t know how the conversation went – but it’s something to think about. When a guy knows you’re insecure about something and then you ask him for validation on that topic, it can put them in a really awkward position and they end up saying some dumb shit because they feel defensive.

Post # 60
Member
6672 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

ashuri :  Just wanted to chime in and say that I think you’re very pretty! I think you will look gorgeous on your wedding day!

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