How should I feel about my fiance being shallow?

posted 1 year ago in Full Figured
Post # 61
1763 posts
Buzzing bee

sboom :  Morbid obesity is based on BMI (height and weight). Not what you look like in a photo.

Post # 62
3238 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Oh. I wasn’t aware that we knew her BMI …

A lot of factors impact a persons health and weight is only one of them. Two people who are the exact same weight can have very different health outlooks.  If someone is particularly tall with a large build, they can look fat even with a pretty average body fat percentage. Size isn’t the indicator for health – body composition is. BMI is actually a total shit indicator of health and most health research would tell you that.

REGARDLESS, her health isn’t what this thread was supposed to be about in the first place. She knows her size. She knows what she looks like. And like anyone else living in the modern world, I’m sure she is quite aware of the fact that obesity carries health risks. Please point me to where she asked anyone to comment on her weight and health. I’m waiting….

Post # 64
6383 posts
Bee Keeper

I just want to say – you are gorgeous, and you are going to look stunning in your dress. I really hope you feel beautiful on your wedding day! 

Post # 65
1763 posts
Buzzing bee

ashuri :  I never claimed to be an expert. Just stating what a BMI is. Health cannot be based on a photo.

Post # 67
9604 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Im sure your fiance still finds you beautiful. Thats a tough question, it puts him in a hard spot. I would explain that it hurt and let him reassure you. If hes being a dick about it, reconsider marrying him.

If you think you might be extra sensitive to this because the weight gain bothers you, then I would spin that around into a positive, proactive plan instead of dwelling in that insecurity. You should be happy with yourself and proud everyday and especially on your wedding day. 

Post # 68
11 posts

Do you think he meant it in a bad way? I always try to remind myself when Fiance says something stupid that he would never say something to intentionally hurt me. It still hurts, but it helps. No real advice to give 

Post # 71
1151 posts
Bumble bee

ashuri :  if he demanded that you be a size zero (and refused to talk to you when you gained weight) then that would be shallow. However, him wanting you to be healthier and trimmer doesn’t seem shallow to me. I would feel the same if my man gained 30 lbs. I’d encourage him to be healthier so he could live a longer and healthier life with me. 

Post # 73
733 posts
Busy bee

I am going to give the bees who commented on the OP’s weight the benefit of the doubt that they were coming from a good place of wanting her to be healthy.

However, I really feel like her weight is aside from the point of her post. She came here looking for advice on how to get over her hurt feelings because her fiancé made, what felt like to her, a hurtful comment about her appearance. 

If she had come here and said, “I just cut my hair and asked my fiancé how he would feel if my hair was short on our wedding day. He said he loves me but he’s sorry he’s shallow” I believe the comments/advice would have been a bit different. (I know they’re not a one-to-one comparison because your hair length doesn’t affect your health. But, again, her health was not meant to be the topic of discussion.)

OP, I think your fiancé mis-characterized himself as being shallow and now you’re worried that’s what he is. Has he ever shown you signs that he’s shallow before? Or has he shown you love and affection no matter what your weight was?

It’s natural to have preferences and to be a bit more or less attracted to our spouse at times. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and our weights have yo-yo’d all over the place. There was a weight where I was most attracted to him. I also prefer his hair at a certain length. When he wears his baseball cap backwards, I’m ready to jump his bones. Likewise, he likes my hair shoulder length. He loves when I wear certain colors. I don’t know what weight he prefers me at because he knows I’m sensitive and don’t want his comments about my weight. But it doesn’t mean we aren’t attracted to each other at other times, too. I’m still attracted to him at other weights, when his hair is buzzed, and when his hat is forwards. I know the same goes for him with me. 

Your fiancé will think you are beautiful on your wedding day, no matter what weight you are, how your makeup looks or how your hair is done. He is not shallow. He loves you for who you are. It’s not conditional on what you look like. You asked him a question about preference and he gave you an honest answer. If my husband had asked me “Would you mind if my hair was buzzed at our wedding?” I would have said, “I mean, I would prefer if it was longer.” If he showed up with buzzed hair, I still would have loved him and thought he was the most handsome man in the room.

Post # 74
209 posts
Helper bee

Bee, you are gorgeous and will be a beautiful bride! From how you worded your FI’s response, could he have been speaking at all from a self-deprecating position? I just notice that his comment wasn’t about you, but about him; without a play-by-play of the conversation, it’s tough to get context, but “I’m shallow” almost sounds like an apology and like he wants to better support you. I’ve definitely heard couples say things like “I’m thoughtless. I wish I had been more considerate of you” to each other. I’d take that as a positive sign.

Given your post, this may not be the case, but I wanted to point out an alternate interpretation just in case!

Post # 75
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I haven’t read past the first page, but I wanted to jump in on the 270 vs. 300 debate.  Maybe these gals have never weighed 300 lbs, but there is a HUGE difference between 270 & 300.  HUGE.  There’s a mental difference, a size difference, blood pressure difference, so much is different.  

I am morbidly obese.  At my highest, I weighed 350, I have lost 37 lbs on my own since May.  Now, starting at 350, you may say that 37 lbs is not a massive difference considering how much more I have to lose.  Well, here are the massive changes I have noticed:  I don’t hurt when I walk.  I have ZERO joint pain anymore.  I have a defined waiste again, my confidence has skyrocketed.  My depression has become more managable.  I have more energy.  I don’t cry because of how ugly I look.  Am I still fat?  Absolutely!  BUT the sense of self worth I have gained from losing only 37 lbs is by far the best thing. 

Bee, trust that your hubby loves you when he says he does.  Heaven knows my husband says things that make me raise an eyebrow. lol  When I met my husband, I weighed 195.  Obviously  a HUGE difference from where I’m now.  I know he loves me no matter what size, but he wants me healthy.  He actually makes me laugh because several times he’s said “I love you no matter what size, but I can’t wait to see what you look like when you hit your goal.”  Is that shallow?  Absolutely not.  Do I want him to lose his little belly?  Yes.  Is that shallow?  No.  I want him to be healthy too.  

If you ever need someone to chat with on your weightloss journey, please hit me up!  I’d always love an accountability partner!

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