(Closed) How should I handle my FMIL?

posted 11 years ago in Family
Post # 3
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

This sounds like such a tough situation to be in..for the both of you! You both sound like you are trying so hard to keep everyone happy..and no matter what his mom is angry. I really don’t understand women who act like this..

Do you think she feels as though she’s losing her son by him getting married? ..Some moms act like this because of that…OR could she be jealous of you? You never know! No matter what though, you should definitely talk to her (apart from him) to see if it’s a mendable situation. It may sound like the scariest thing on earth to do..but if she’s going to be there forever, it’s worth a shot to try to form a relationship with her..a civil one at the very least. (During the confrontation I would definitely stress the fact that you are doing this for him because you love him so much..it’s what you have in common with her..and it’s NOT a bad thing to point out!) I would look at it like a sacrifice you are making for your Fiance..you love him-he loves you AND his mom, so it’s definitely worth the trouble.

I wish you the best, and keep us updated on what you decide to do!

Post # 4
3625 posts
Sugar bee

I really don’t understand women like this. Giving an ultimatum to her son thinking he’ll choose HER? What on earth is she thinking?

Are you young and she thinks you should wait or has she ever given any other reason to dislike you so much? Is this a cultural thing? There has to be much more to the story.

Talking to her might make you feel better, but what will it accomplish? You’ll just be giving her more ammunition she can use to talk about you.

There really has to be more to this. Care to share?

Post # 5
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@plove5389: i am so sorry you are going through this. i have been there before so rest assured you are not the only one! my Future Mother-In-Law began to hate me about 5 months into my SO and i’s relationship. it deeply hurt me because i had no idea what i had done to her to make her feel that way or say those things about me. and it hurt me to see the position she was putting my SO in because felt like he had to make a choice. we’re not engaged yet but i remember when she told him, “i hope to God you don’t marry her.” it’s awful. things have changed only because his mom has come to terms with the fact that there’s nothing she can do about it and that if she wants her son to be a part of her life at all, i have to be a part of it too. we are civil, but it’s still very awkward after the way she acted and the things she said about me.

i think in your situation since your FIs mom has made it clear that she is not budging and is willing to cut her own son out of her life despite the fact that you have gone out of your way to be nice to her is that you just need to be there for him. do you have any idea WHY she never liked you? is it just because of the things you noted? if so, what an evil woman. have you ever tried to talk to her about the situation? maybe it’s not over the reasons you think. if you can find the real source of the problem maybe there’s a possibility things could be cleared up. i wish you luck, and just be there for your FI! it’s a horrible position she has put him in.

Post # 6
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@ItWasntMe: I really don’t understand women like this. Giving an ultimatum to her son thinking he’ll choose HER? What on earth is she thinking?

i think this is fairly common in mom-hates-sons-fiancee situations. my SOs mom did the same thing to him over me. he showed her he would choose me and things changed a bit. i think she was semi bluffing, if anything.

Post # 7
3625 posts
Sugar bee

My husband chose me too, and we had no relationship with his family for over 20 years. Unfortunately, I know how these things go. 🙁

Post # 8
36 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

@plove5389: Ugh, what an awful situation, I’m sorry!  I suppose you could try to have a conversation with her to see if things can be worked out.  However, it sounds as though she is being highly unreasonable, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that didn’t go anywhere.  Also, I would be careful when you do talk to her to stay calm and civil and do NOT give her any ammunition to use post convo!

If all else fails, unfortunately, your Fiance is going to be put in a situation where he needs to tell her, “Mom, I love you, I wish you would change your mind, and I am getting married on such and such a date regardless.”

Keep us posted!!  Good Luck!  You don’t deserve this!  But take the higher road, it will serve you well later, esp in the eyes of your Fiance. 

Post # 10
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@plove5389 I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I can’t even begin to imagine what a terrible situation this must be for you and your Fiance. Although I’m not personally in this situation, I heard some GREAT advice from my pastor, which he gave to a couple who are in a similar situation (they’re in love, but his mom hates her).

The man believed it was his responsibility to either change his mom’s mind or break up with the woman. Obviously he’s not going to break up with her because she’s amazing and they’re in love, and at the end of the day, he simply cannot change his mom’s mind. They can be the perfect son and daughter-in-law for the rest of their lives, and his mom could still hate his wife. So my pastor said that he needs to absorb everything that his mother tells him and basically respond with, “Wow, I’m so lucky to have a mom who cares so much about me. You so clearly love me and want the best for me.” This will make her feel appreciated, but it won’t get into the larger issue (i.e. that she doesn’t want him with this woman and that he’s not going to break things off). The absorption is crucial, too, because the woman can’t live the rest of her life hearing all the bad things that his mom says about her. He needs to absorb these things and protect his wife from them. That way, she won’t grow bitter and resentful towards his mother, and then also potentially him. 

I hope that this helps! Just know that at the end of the day, you are in love and focus on building a great future for marriage. 

Post # 11
1 posts

Well this sucks, and I’ve been through something similar, but I won’t say I understand, b/c every situation is different. But I would suggest asking your Fiance what he wants to do, and just supporting him. He knows his mother best, and nothing you do will ever be right in her eyes, anyway, so you have to do what’s best for your Fiance…and that is to just support his decision. So whatever he wants you to do is what you should do.

Post # 12
6980 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I’d maybe suggest he get counseling? His mom is putting him through some seriously f’d up stuff and he’s going to need help to work through all of those feelings. Maybe a professional could help him cope with her bs, and maybe give him some strategies for dealing with it all? Or maybe his mom would agree to go with him to a session or two at some point? If she heard from an impartial that she was being ridiculous maybe that would help. 

Post # 13
3628 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I am just…so sorry you have to go through this, and that your Fiance has to go through this as well…

I agree with CorgiTales, counseling is one of the only options that seems like having a realistic way of helping…

She may not ever go with him, and that’s OK- important thing is for you two to be able to deal with this situation in the healthiest and most loving way possible- its important that you guys work together on this and not against each other.

He sees for himself how awful she is being…no need to fuel the fire.

I am reminded of that very familiar prayer: God please give me the strength to change the things I can, the peace to accept those I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference…

Some situations in life unfortunately are just unfair and we have to find the best way to deal…

Good luck and keep us updated.

Post # 14
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@plove5389:  esh, so sorry you’ve gotta deal with this and him too!

I’m just curious… what does HE do when his mom says those things to him and you?

I know this has to be a horrible time for you, but all things considered, I’d be happy if she broke of all communication with me.  That’s a toxic relationship that neither of you needs.

Your poor Fiance, I can only imagine what he went through growing up with her as a mother!  

good luck and well wishes to you both!!!

Post # 15
236 posts
Helper bee

My best advice to you is that you and your Fiance have to work and stay as a team. I completely understand how broken up he is, it’s horrible that any mother would act in those ways. But believe me, coming from experience, it gets easier on them. My DH has been estranged from his mother for over a year and full out since our wedding in August. He doesn’t regret it one bit, because he is happy with  ME, and with OUR life. It’s very sad his mother isn’t on board with it, but we are happy and she is not.

His mother did the samet hing as your Fiance mother, she tried every trick in the book, she got her family to not attend our wedding, she came and acted horrid to the point where we had to call the cops on her. For awhile I tried to talk it out it with his mother and try to make the issues go away, but it never worked, because she would constantly create more issues. She would scream and yell at me for hours, she would call me and my family names, and finally after months of this my DH and I went to see a therapist and it was the best thing for us.

What she adviced was that my DH man up, take a stand, and grow up and demand respect for me and our relationship, as well as that dealings with his mother are left up to HIM not me. My DH needed to hear it from a netural person, and it was a BIG eye opener for him. All in that week he went to her and laid out for her.

His mother said she understood but within a week she was back to her behaviors, and that is when my DH said your not welcome in our life if you continue to treat us this way. And obviously she still continues to act nuts so we don’t have any contact with her.

I know it’s not easy to cut family out, but having her do this to you guys is toxic and no matter how strong you are it will take a toll on you both.

Post # 16
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

It’s a tough situation, but if your fiance can’t man up and handle her I’d leave him. My in laws were pretty horrible until my husband found his voice and started facilitating our relationship instead of just letting it happen.

 I have a feeling her tune would change if he said, “Look mom, were are getting married this year and you are invited. If you can’t find it in your heart to come and support me that is your decision. You are always welcome in my life, but your negativity is not.” Hang up on her after that. He needs to do this everytime she starts something. Do not indulge her immaturity. Do not get upset.

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